You Know What? I Don't Care Anymore.

That's right. All you people taking a double take when I go in for an exercise class, or glancing at me when I'm on the weights or treadmill. I don't care. Look all you want, I don't care anymore. I don't care if I look weird, or if I'm bigger or slower than everyone else in a class. I. Don't. Care. I'm not letting you judgmental people try and dictate where I can and can not go and how I'm supposed to feel.

I'm trying my best, and I will lose this weight. I will become faster. I will become stronger. I will become healthier. I'm not letting anyone stop me anymore, including myself. I deserve to feel good, I deserve this chance, but I don't deserve your judgments.

It's just a matter of time now. I will make it to the finish line, just you wait, I'll make it.

Finals, Finals, Finals...And Christmas.

Well, I'm not sure about freshmen Anna, but December has been hella busy for me. Finals, projects, critiques...I've been keeping up with the weight and such, but haven't been very good blogging about it. :/ Let's do a bit of a recap, shall we? I did manage to post a bit on CC about my "drama". :D

November 28th:
"I went out with friends today. For some god awful reason the mall and not the library was the place we decided to meet.

I have never been more depressed and sad then I was walking through the stores with them. When the hell did we start going to clothing stores!? We used to go to book stores and tea stores and game stores...now we're going to f**king Macy's? Of course they're all a size 2, so I felt like a huge giant around all of them, wading through clothes that won't ever fit me, even when I get to my goal weight. Hello! I'm 6ft tall! I'm never going to be a "junior."

I saw a pair of gloves I wanted and, surprise, surprise, my hands were too big for them. It sucked, because one of my friends came up and asked, "shopping for gloves?" and I had to admit that me and my fat ass hands couldn't fit into anything.

Boy, don't I feel great?

I spit out some crap about not liking to drive in the dark and got the hell out of there. I don't think I'll be going to the mall for a long, long, long, long time, let alone going out with friends. When did we become so different? It was really the worse outing ever and I regret going.

Glad they're doing well though.

P.S. Found out that I'm a 100% emotional eater. :) I actually ate before I went out so I wouldn't gorge myself. Ended up having waffle fries, two cookies (Big, huge, toll house cookies. Fabulous), I'm on my second slice of something called a "chocolate loaf," and I also had chicken and such with my healthy choice (before said chocolate loaf). I'm in the 2,300 now. I'm hoping all the walking I did today balances this out. I'm going to try to stop eating now and just get some sleep."

December 8th:

"Well, it's not all that dramatic, but my body is just being a real turd. It seems to lose weight in spurts. I have got through two plateaus in the last four months, and I'm pretty sure this is number three. Here's a break down of the pattern.

Went down to 271, then shot back up to 275, stayed there for weeks.

Went down to 266/264, stayed here for weeks.

Went down to 258, shot back up to 260, this is week two at 260.

I'm kind of running out of ideas. Do I need more food? Less food? Work out more? Is it the weight lifting? I'm running out of ideas."

The End.

Only two posts, but it's the info, in a nut shell, of what I've been going through. Did get back into the 250's today at 257. I'm hoping Christmas won't screw me over. My mom's coming down for some local food and our food is good...I'm gonna need an attack plan. <.<

I hope this finds everyone well though. Best of luck and don't give up. :)

Love & Peace,

Gabby

Happy Thanksgiving~

Yup, its turkey day~ (Not for me, I HATE turkey. More like...Chicken day. :) ).
I hope people don't think about calories and such on a day you should be thankful to just be breathing. Enjoy your food, enjoy your life. You can always worry tomorrow. <3

Love & Peace

Gabby

Long Time No See. <3

Well, it's been a LONG time since my last post, and even longer since Freshmen Anna. :( I'm busy, she's busy...Being an animation student isn't as fun as it sounds. ...Well, it is, but it's a lot of work. Lots of drawing and redrawing, and editing and stuff. Not a lot of time to type, barely time to work out. Anyway, enough about that.

Here's the update.

I just got into the 250's, so I'm now at 259, making my pounds lost to date 90. It was a big relief, since I was shifting between 266 & 264 for the longest time and, no lie, I was ready to call it quits. However, the kind, awesome, lovely people of Calorie Count helped me make sense of it all and realize this wasn't the end of the play, just an intermission. I'm a less than 50% into this journey and still have 96/97 pounds left to lose. But if I can do it once, I can do it again, right? Of course.

Freshmen Anna is dealing with some weight issues herself, at least, from the last time I spoke with her. A lot of ups and downs, but, not being in her direct presence and only chatting online from time to time, it's all on her at this point. :( The last time she logged into CC was Oct. 13th, so I'm not 100% sure what's exactly she's been doing. I wont' share her weight since I believe it's her choice if she wants to expose that. I'm only sharing this because I feel it's important for people to hear more "bump in the road" stories than just the straight, blinding success of TBL (The Biggest Loser) like stories and dropping massive weight in ten minutes.

Speaking TBL, Oh. My. God. I love it so much. I love watching that show. I watch it while i eat ice cream. <3 This is the last week I think. I don't really have a favorite this season, but that hasn't stopped me from watching. Bringing this all up because this Wednesday is a "Where are they now?" episode which I am going to be watching. They rarely talk about who fell back into routine (unless it's a side story or... on Oprah), but I think Bob is going to some houses and going to start helping them take responsiblity for it all.

...Deep down, I just want to see who messed up!

Well, I hope to be into the 240's by the end of this year. That will bring me to a 100 pounds lost and I'll be very much happy. <3 Next year...Well, I'm hoping to get to that 160 finish line or damn near close!

Love & Peace

Gabby

AHHHHHHH!

Warning: This is nothing by a rant

I go get weighed in this morning and...264...Really...Really!? Last week, I was 266, so this might be a little confusing to some, but the week before that, I was 264. When I went to 266, I tried to tell myself that it was that I was weight lifting, that is was my period, and that it would go away again...It's not leaving. OH. MY. GOD. This new personal trainer is leaving me tired and breathless and I don't even get a pound for it? ONE POUND? THIS IS SO ANNOYING!

They started doing measurements and it is making it SO much worse. They're all over the place (the numbers, no the people) and I'm up one week, down the other, and it's frustrating and a little depressing. No more! I'm going to ask them to just stop it, because I nearly left in tears today. Since Arizona, weight has not been going my way at all. It's NOVEMBER. I just want to hit 100. Is that really too much to ask?

I'll admit something, I may not be eating enough (no, it's not 1200). I eat around 2300, because the nutritionist doesn't see any reason for me to go up, even though this site and the child's site say other wise, but I just feel weird having to show her a close to 2800 calorie intake (My workouts last about an hour, maybe hour and a half).

I just don't want to be obese in Japan. Spring 2011...Ugh. I'm so not motivated (did my workout, but it was torture).

In sadder news, my friend's mother passed away last week, so this just isn't a good time for anyone. I'll be keeping her in my thoughts, I hope you all do the same.

Love & Peace

Gabby

Well...I'm Tired To Say The Least

I got my first work out with the personal trainer...and she totally kicked my butt (in a nice way). She was really nice and chatty and such, and by...I don't know, 30 minutes into it, I was ready to call it quits (not that I could. :P ). It was fun though. Much more fun than just the treadmill and stuff. And I felt silly doing a lot of things, but other people were doing "silly" things too.

Also, I was able to ask about saggy skin (my main concern at this point), and she said that, if saggy skin was really going to be a problem, I would of noticed it by now. And, well, I haven't, so I'm very relieved. <3

Yay for personal trainers.

Love & Peace

Gabby

High School...You Were A Jerk

While running on the treadmill today, I had a few thoughts about my highschool's fitness program, or lack there of, for overweight children.

Now, I'm sure you're wondering why, after two years out of high school, I give a rat's ass, but I can hold a major grudge~

Anyways, highschool sucked. Gym wise anyway. It was like...they had never dealt with someone overweight. We were all weighed, and had to tell our weight to ANOTHER STUDENT to write down. Not a teacher, another immature highschooler. Who would know, who could tell, who could text, whatever. We had to run in the beginning of every gym, no biggy, however, when I couldn't run for five minutes, I was scolded and ostracized. Yelled at from across the gym about how slow I was.

I bring all this up, because, with the letters home saying I was fat (because my mom totally didn't notice), the "fitness tests" (Running as much as you could for a certain time (I was never last, but it was done in the open, so...it was embarrassing), push ups (I couldn't do 1, so that was sad) and sit ups (I COULD DO THEM ALL! SUCK IT SKINNY BITCHES) ), and public weighing, surprisingly, none of that motivated me to lose weight (the normal way at least).

High schools (Or, my highschool) need to know that being jerks to overweight people doesn't help...Like, at all. At least for me it didn't. I don't think anyone can lose weight until they're ready for it, not being embarrassed day in and day out about it, especially, if they're an emotional eater (I myself am a grazer). And thinking back on how terrible my school did at just...making themselves available, I think it would of been a much better experience, and much easier for people to ask for help in the first place. The reason I was able to ask my school's health center for help was because they didn't treat me like a monster, they didn't make me feel bad for what I couldn't do, and they helped and informed me without be patronizing.

High schoolers can be fat! But...really, did we need to be embarrassed? Maybe because all of our teachers were skinny and fit and perfect, they assumed that that was the norm. How sad.

Love & Peace

Gabby

Happy Brithday To Me

Turning the big 1-9 today. And I lost two pounds. :)

Well, I'm going totally crazy today with food. I had a muffin (or breakfast cake) and coco for breakfast. Having pizza and candy for lunch, my favorite type of fish, potatoes and cabbage for dinner, and a nice piece of cake for dessert. :D

I logged everything in, and it's only 1900-ish calories, not that I would of cared. It's my birthday, so if it was 3500+, that would of been my count. ^^

Yay Birthdays.

I think I lost an inch on my hips, and like...three on my thigh. Which is good, but I really wanted some more hip action. And a bit more waist. Oh well. It'll come.

Love & Peace

Gabby

-2!

Yay. I'm out of the 270 death zone and I'm sitting cozy at 267 (for this week at least). I got measurements now. :D

Waist: 40.5

Arm: 14 (ish)

Thigh: 27

Hips: 50 something....maybe 56? 57? I don't know, I didn't write it down.

I was fully dressed, so it might be off by half an inch at the most. XD I don't know how bad it is, but Freshmen Anna said I'm five inches away from a healthy waist measurement, so that's good news to me. :D

Now the next hurdle: Midterms

THEY'RE GOING DOWN!!!!!

Love & Peace

Gabby

What...What is that?

It's leg muscle!
I have a calf muscle! Well, I've always had one, but I can really see the little sucker now. Haha! That was sweet~

I'm sick, and haven't been able to work out for four days, but I've got a leg muscle! Makes it all worth it~

Love & Peace

Gabby

Well, This Sucks

I. Am. Mad.

So, first, I’m in a generally bad mood (I’m blaming my period) and I don’t want to do ANYTHING, but I do it. Then I get sick, so I can only work out for about 40 minutes before my throat starts to burn. Today? What happens today!? I have a damn back spasm! I mean, what the heck!? I’m running for about…5, 6 minutes. I’m just happy I can breathe, let alone run, and all of the sudden, it creeps up. I think, “It might just be cramps, I’ll keep going.” Well, it wasn’t cramps. <.<

Monday: Worked out for 1hr/30min. Felt great.

Tuesday: Tennis 50min – I don’t even think this counts. My partner, though a sweetie, can’t play very well at all, so it’s mostly running back and forth to get balls, no rally at all.

Wednesday: Sick, so 40 minutes on one of the spin bikes. Didn’t feel like much…I was sweating, but I’m used to soaking through shirts, not a damp forehead.

Thursday: Five minutes.

I’ve only had one work out day! Maybe I’ll get one tomorrow, and I don’t even want to see the scale next Tuesday. This sucks so bad! I work out so I can eat a lot of food, now I can’t eat (A lot). D:

This is a poo poo week. >.< Side Note: My nurse and nutritionist want to start doing measurements. I think it’s because they see how deflated I get at one pound (even though it much better than a plateau). It weird, but measurements really don’t mean crap to me. *w* I’m not trying to fit into a smaller size; I just don’t want to die…so I don’t know what they want me to do with those numbers. I just want scale numbers.

Love & Peace

Gabby

Hit 80

I hit the 80 pound mark, the 260's...and I really couldn't be any more miserable. I feel, strangely enough, fatter than ever, and just all over depressed. Perhaps my "Lady Time" is coming on, but I feel awful. This, strangely enough, had been the most depressing weigh-in. I'm even more upset than I was with my plateau. I'm really not sure what to make of it.

You must be wondering why I'm posting at all if I'm so miserable.

When I get this way, I don't want to do anything. Working out is usually the furthest thing from my mind and school work is more of a chore than usual. However, it's not a reason to quit. A lot of people, including myself, get frustrated and simply quit, or "take a break." You can't "take a break" from life. Next week, when I'm in a better mood, I'll have wished I worked out, that I had done more work, that I had studied more, and I'll be even more upset. Instead of setting myself up for that, I'm going to, as my grandmother says, "put on my big girl panties," and get over it.

I'm actually a bit relieved that I lost. I went out with friends this weekend and put my "I'm not dieting" ideas to the test. I had sesame chicken, a pastry or two, some sweets, noodles, drinks that had calories (gasp) and what not, but I didn't gorge myself. I just ate like everyone else and I still lost a pound.

It's still a victory. Yay.

Love & Peace

Gabby

P.S. I know it seems like I'm the only one on the blog, but Freshmen Anna is really busy with her work and tests. She'll be around.

Oh, 271? I'm Sorry, They Don't Live Here Anymore.

Thanks right! This morning I weighed in at 270! Not 275, 273, or even 271! I have beaten Arizona! I am one pound from 80 and I'm just giddy. This is been the hardest 5 pounds EVER. I think that's what makes it so sweet. <3

I am soooo relieved now. I just have to keep pushing.

Also, what started this mad dash to fitness was my semester aboard in Japan. I know if was happening my Junior year, but I didn't know when. September 2010 and January 2011 are two totally different dates. But now I know the date (sorta).

Spring '11.

That's more than enough time to lose 108 pounds. I'm going to be just fine. <3

Yay for losing some weight. :D Now all I need is to know I aced my marketing test & paper and this will turn into a kick ass week.

Love & Peace

Gabby

So...Fat Is Ugly.

On Calorie Count, a conversation was started by a man who said, without a doubt, fat is ugly. He said that words like "Curvy" were used as self denial and would lead the person to an early grave because of their size.

"I'm sorry, but fat is ugly. Deep down inside you all know it. That's the main reason why you (and I) are all here on this web site." That's what he said and I could disagree more. If he said this to my face, we would of fought.

Now, being overweight is unhealthy. Saying that you're "curvy" or "big boned" can be self delusional if you use it as an excuse NOT to change anything about it and really are overweight/obese. However, that does NOT mean that every overweight person is ugly and I don't EVER want anyone to think that.

Fat does not equal ugly, and skinny does not equal beauty.

Having a pretty face is the same if you're fat or thin. If you were "funny looking" fat, you'll be "funny looking" thin. Your body might have a better shape, but you'll still be you and I hate when people try and say that if someone loses weight, they'll be prettier, more attractive, confident, and be the bell of the ball. A lot of people lose weight and are still self conscious and feel the same as they did when they were overweight. Do you know why? BECAUSE SELF ESTEEM IS SOMETHING INSIDE OF YOU, NOT ON YOUR FACE OR BODY!

I'm not saying losing weight doesn't help some people, but the whole weight loss transformation isn't just ones step. You don't lose the weight and then, once you hit that magic number, a switch clicks and it's all done. That's just not how it works.

But I've lost the point of my argument.
Fat is a lot of things, but it is not ugly. Beauty is subjective, and no one should feel that they have to change to be pretty to anyone but themselves.

Beauty is in the inside.

Love & Peace,

Gabby

P.S. I am NOT losing weight to be more attractive. I am not interested in dating, and it's the furthest thing from my mind. I am losing weight to be more healthy and to feel better about myself in certain social situations. I will always have the same face, I will always have knocked knees, I will always be very tall. However, I will not always be obese. That is what I'm changing, and nothing more.

Easy Does It...

Lost a pound this week. Though I'm glad I'm out of plateau land, I'm mad that I'm not back at 271. XD I'm starting to think it was just a dream. I've been back home for awhile, and this is the hardest it's ever been to get to another ten pound check point.

It's weird. In the beginning, all I was doing was walking. That was it. About five times a week, maybe 60-80 minutes, just walking. No weight lifting, no running. Walking. I dieted (and might of eaten more, who knows. XD I messed up my calories this summer, but that's another issue). In the beginning, I was dropping weight super fast with just that. I mean, five pounds, seven pounds, three pounds...It was expected. XD Now I'm killing myself and my body is like, "Eh...Kay, one pound, 'cause I'm feeling generous." The body is such a strange thing, isn't it?

I have 110 pounds left to lose...man, that seems really daunting, doesn't it? I can't wait till I have less than 100. It'll seem more...do-able? Not that I'm not doing it now, it just won't seem so huge...I really have no idea what I'm talking about.

Here's praying to return to 271. <3

Love & Peace

Gabby

P.S. Welcome, Lauren. :D

Some More Pictures

I don't have any front ons, but I decided to bit the bullet and get 'er out there.

This is the only one I have, but this was...early high school? I've become quite skilled at avoiding unwanted pictures if I do say so myself.

Old:

Today was the day of service. This is now the tightest shirt I have.

Today:

Still quite large, but it's a start (...middle?). Poor shirt is trying so hard o stay together. XD

Love & Peace

Gabby

So, today I weighed myself and though I had once got down to 144.5, now I'm back up to 147.5. Uuuugghh. I feel so pointless and worthless. I overate on purpose, and pretty badly too. I don't want to go to the gym. I feel like I'll never be able to lose weight at college.

Do I need to lower my calories back down to 1200? Count every single thing? Ok. Starting today, I'll be super-careful about what I eat. The next meal I will carefully look out for every thing I eat. I'll come up with new things to eat. I won't let this beat me. I'll do 1500 one more week, then if that fails, I'll try 1400. I need to win.

I wish I could say more, but I'm so busy. Maybe soon I'll have a comprehensive entry, I just hate this crap right now.

Love,

Anna

FINALLY!

My plateau is over. :D Well, seemingly over, but for now, it's done. <3>

Lol, this is what I get for all my bitching and moaning about only one pound here and there. I need to be more thankful before my body turns against me again. XD

At least I've made it through my first hump without falling in many pieces, just a few. :D

Yay~! Three more pounds and I'll be in the 260's. <3

Super Duper Love & Oodles Of Peace

Gabby

P.S. Freshmen Anna is too busy being a social college kid (working). Lucky I have no social life. :)

I've Plateaued And I'm Pissed

I have been in the 270's since July 25th, and this is my third week at 275. As I sit in the library, livid, all I can ask is What. The. F**k.

I could understand if I slacked or gorged myself, but I didn’t, all I wanted was two stupid pounds to get to damn 269, to get to 80. And now my body doesn't want to work anymore!? I actually gain AND hold on to it!? I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes when she told me, “It’s about the same.” I kept a smile on my face, happy that she was happy with my progress, but since I’ve gotten back from Arizona, my weight has been nothing but trouble and I’m mad!

I’m devastated.
I’m upset.
I’m depressed!
And I’m frustrated as hell!

I’m on the treadmill for 60 long ass minutes. I run for seven minutes, take a break, and run for three minutes for each of the following ten minute sections. That’s almost 22 minutes of running! I 275 pounds! How is that alone not supposed to get me to lose ONE POUND!? I weight lift! I work my arms, my legs, my stomach, to the point that I’m sore, and I don’t get any reward? I go back to the bikes and elliptical for another twenty minutes, and I get nothing but sweat and damn stares from the skinny girls in the gym? What the hell!?

I know, I know, the body isn’t perfect, and I’m always the first person to tell someone to calm down and relax when weight doesn’t go their way, but it’s frustrating! I’m doing everything I can, even with my damn school work! I have been counting calories and even upped my calories when I saw that I was eating too little. I was eating too little, and I didn’t even get some weight off!? IT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE!

What the hell does a girl have to do to lose some damn weight around here!? Strike a deal with the devil!?

UGH!

I’m so mad! And I’m the one fat person that doesn’t eat when mad/upset, I just want to curl up under the covers and wait for something to come off. I don’t want to do school work, I don’t want to eat anything, I don’t want to exercise, I just want to lay down and sleep! I guess it’s good that I had a mandatory 50 minutes of tennis. <.< Even though I worked out yesterday for an hour and a half, but I guess it didn't matter!

Not only that, but my Aunt and Grandmother have decided to become the police, which usually wouldn’t be a problem if I was losing, but I feel that this plateau is their sign that I am f**king it up. I haven’t done a damn thing wrong (purposely)! And I’ll fight to the death to defend that! A cup of half fat ice cream at night didn’t undo me all summer, and I doubt it’s the case now!

I just want to go back to losing like before! Hell, I’m not even small! I’m barely under 300 for the love of Christ! What the hell is my body waiting for? Does it want us to die in this fat prison!?

I wanted to reach 100 by my birthday, I made this goal almost a month ago, giving me 3 months to lose 20 pounds, but I guess that’s not going to happen! I’ll be lucky if I get to it by Decemeber! Dammit, I have another country to go to! I don’t want to go fat!

I. Want. To. Lose!

Much Love & Little To No Peace

Gabby :(

Dear God,

Or whoever is up there, please let me lose weight this week. Please. Please? I want to lose weight. I want to lose .5 lbs. At least. Please? I hope that's not too much to ask. I've been doing my calories corrently. I really have. I'm a good girl! So, just let me see 147 again so I know there's some hope.

If not I will just keep moving on, this is not impossible, just INCREDIBLY annoying. I must keep up hope, motivation, and continue on.

Love,

Anna

Pictures So Far

Okay~ I'm editing these during class before the teacher comes in~
Freshmen Anna brought up taking pictures. I've taken a few, of my face and side gut. Maybe it's progress? I'm not sure. Anyway, you can see if I'm any less fat.

These first pictures were a few weeks in. Maybe...first month or two? It couldn't of been more than 20 pounds. I just remember being very bummed that I wasn't seeing it...But now I'm sure it's been coming from around my organs.
Couple Weeks In:
(Bad hair cut + bad attitude = Bad Picture)


I am so...fat.


These next two were near the end of freshmen year, so this was...maybe month 3-4? I was near 35+ pounds lost...something like that. I felt like I had done something at that time, but even comparing the pictures, it's a very, very, very small difference. I'm glad I didn't spend too much time on it though. I would of gotten sad again.
End Of Freshmen Year:

My face is so pudgy and round! Fatty fat fat face. :0 And look and my tiny old glasses~


Still Quite Fat


Now (I wish is were more dramatic, but I do have a lot to go, so...wait for it.) -78 pounds (about):

I am doing the fat girl pose. The "I'm going to curl myself up as small as possible so no one will notice my fat" pose...but, hey, it's a picture. And I'm also eating lunch and trying not to cover myself in food. <3

I felt I was smaller than this. Lol, guess not. And, without my tiny bras, my boobs are sad. :(



Well, this is all I have for now. I'll try to take one monthly instead of "oh, I wonder what I look like" - ly.

Side Note: I saw my old boss while waiting for food, and, after some small chat, she said I had lost a lot of weight. :D I just said "...yeah. :)" But I was thinking, "-78!" She did see me when I was -38, so I don't know how much another 30 is going to be to her, but I felt good. <3

Love & Peace

Gabby

Oh No...

I always told myself that it wouldn't happen. That I would distance myself from it, keeping the relationship strictly business. I just wouldn't get my feelings involved.

But now...I like exercising! I...I don't know how it happened, when it happened, why it happened, but I just get giddy at the thought of it! I got to go to my school's gym today and I just rocked it! I was running and feeling great! I was doing bicep curls with 55 pounds and I felt awesome! I could do abdominal curls with the best of them! And my legs are a force to be reckoned with!

I sweated through my shirt and felt gross for almost two hours afterwards, but I still felt just great and I was excited to get back to it! I'm actually a little disappointed that I won't get to do it every day! Only three times a week...I want to work out everyday!

Love & Peace

Gabby

...But I Didn't Do Anything Wrong!

Well, today was my first day of school. At the moment, my head is killing me, my stomach hurts, and I already feel overwhelmed and tired. But that's not what this blog is about, so let's get to the good stuff~

My animation class ended early so I took that time to go to the health center and say hi, get weighed in, see how they were doing, update my form...mostly just to get my weight. So, I fill out my health form, wait patiently for my named to be called, until I get called back in.

The lady, of course, is super nice. She just says "wow" over and over as she looks over the previous data to compare it. Being under 300 is pretty nice if I do say so myself. When asked about the last time I weighed in, I proudly say, "Last time I weighed, I was around 271. I'm really hoping for the 260's : sparkle sparkle : " She says, "Well, let's get you weighed~!"

That son of a bitch scale said 275. I was quite content with 271 and going lower! Not gaining! Now, I was frustrated, but I didn't get too upset because I was being praised for my work ethic and the weight loss as a whole (I mean, seriously, how could I bitch during that?). She even said my blood pressure was better. I just had to smile and take it like a girl!

When I left, I promptly tried to get in contact with Freshmen Anna and my grandmother, screaming, "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! I WALKED! AND I WALKED! AND I COUNTED! AND I COUNTED! AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET! WHY?!" I actually started to tug at my still chunky arms going, "Where is it? Where is it hiding on my body! You can't come back here! Why are you back!"

I'm a drama queen. <.<>.<
I'm rushing against the clock! No time for plateaus~

Love & Peace

Gabby

The Gym

It's really annoying to me, for some reason, when the machine that I am about to go on next is in use. I have my workout planned in my mind. When I go over to use that machine and it is already being used, what else can I do other than change my plan (Nooooo!) or walk around like an idiot. Normally, it's the former, but it's still quite frustrating to me.

This week is busy. Getting ready for college. I'm getting a little nervous about fitting in my lifestyle change to this new environment. I don't really have any other choice, so I must do it! Anyway, I really hope the scale reads something nice for me on Wednesday... if not, oh well. I'm happy here, I'm gonna keep on moving forward. As long as it's not going up, that's all that matters to me--if I keep at it, it will go down regardless. I can't gain weight on 1200-1500 calories, that's for damn sure.

Love,

Anna

Well, I Have No Idea Anymore

So, I've been walking, sweating, all that jazz. Counting my calories, doing the whole lifestyle thing. So, this morning, almost having a panic attack, I go to step on the scale and now I just really, really, really hate it.

I got 269. Hooray, right? Not so much. I step on it again, just to make sure (I always do this) and I get 271...Like, a few times, sometimes even 272, then 270... I hate this scale! If you shift even a bit, BOOM, it's changes to something as radical as the 250's or close to the 280's. At my most stable, it teetered between 271 & 270. God, I wish I was one of those people who could take the lowest weight (right or wrong) and be happy.

I miss my old scale! I can't read this thing! I can't understand it even a little! I can't wait to go back to school just so I have a reliable scale! I'm not weighing myself outside of school anymore because it's just too unreliable and down right nerve racking! Hopefully it will be 269 when I get to the school, or I'm gonna be really peeved. And if its above 271!? Ugh, I seriously might just cry. I just want to know if I'm any less fat! Is that too much to ask!?

It is so ridiculous and frustrating to not know how you're doing! It's like walking around in the dark! Am I eating enough? Too little? Is my exercise working out? Who knows? Your scale sucks! I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!

If anything, it's less than last week's freak show of a weigh in, so...I guess I went up and then back down? If this is the beginning of a plateau, heads are gonna roll. <.<

Love & (Not So Much) Peace,

Gabby

149, Again

BLAH I just wanna get back down to 147, is this too much to ask, body!? Stop playing with my emotions! I don't want to be in the high 140's anymoreee. Ok, at least it's still the 140's. I just feel like I'm teetering on the edge. GRR!

Love,

Anna

Wonky Scale & Period Pains, But Not Shaken

Well, I got on my grandmother's scale, just as nervous as before and I saw something very outrageous. Previous weight, 271. So, let's see what's happened this week. Have I managed to land with both feet on the ground?

Let's find out...

275. I pee. 276. I move it to flatter ground. 275/278, depending on how balanced I am. I was, at first, shocked and pretty weirded out. But I actually calmed myself into a good mood.

No one gains that much weight in that little time. Even with me going back home, I only missed one day of exercise and with my elliptical, I was working out, enough to actually feel sore. I haven't over eaten, actually, I've under eaten due to jet lag, and I'm on my period. I just can't sit and say to myself "I've gained five pounds." I can't get upset. I just don't think it's true. I really just dn't think I've done anything wrong, at least, wrong enough to make that outrageous of a gain.

Maybe I'm being naive? Silly? Some weird nighttime feast my guilt won't take into consideration? I just don't think so. I'm actually proud of myself for not freaking myself out all day. This isn't going to shake me. I'll keep counting and walking and doing what I need to do to break the 80's (269 or below).

I'm not upset. I'll just keep moving. It's just...a part of dieting. I'm going to be just fine. :)

Love & Peace

Gabby

Gaining

When you're on a weight-loss journey, the reality of gaining every once in a while is hard to face. I don't really like it. While I knew that the two pound addition to my frame would be a simple reality, not something I could avoid after gorging on food like cheesesteaks and ice cream--sometimes I lie in my bed afterwards and lamet that I wasn't given a good metabolism so that I could eat whatever I wanted like those thin people.

But there is a silver lining to this cloud. I've learned that perhaps even on vacation, I would like to make at least more thoughtful choices. I have the ability--I could have a choice of anything on the menu. I didn't need to eat that ice cream. But why didn't I make the choice? I'm not sure. Being able to enjoy food makes me happy. However, I enjoy food now, even when following my proper choices. Why do I get satisfaction out of eating a cheesesteak when eating a good chicken sandwich would bring me just as much?

Perhaps it's because it's "bad." If something is "bad," I feel like I'm cheating. It's like a naughty satisfaction. Like somehow, I am living and enjoying life more when I pick that Blizzard over a small gelato. I'm trying to know better, though. I need to keep my head about me at all times, because this is a LIFESTYLE change. Making conscious healthy choices for my body is something I should try and do all the time.

On top of that, if I had a metabolism like those skinny people, who don't need to worry about what they eat, then I wouldn't be learning how to eat properly. It'd be a lesson I'd learn much later, perhaps when I'm an overweight mother, which is something I don't want to face. I want to be healthy forever. I want my body to be strong forever. Learning how to eat now is something that is invaluable, not only for my body but for the fact that I get to practice it for a long time.

I'm not going to freak out. I did the right thing by getting on the scale, and the right thing again by measuring out my cereal before I ate it. I'll have a lean cuisine or oatmeal for lunch. I'm going to be fine. I can do this. I'm a third of the way there, and only 5 more pounds until I'm halfway there. 5 more after that and I'm two-thirds done. I can do this.

Speaking of which, I need to go to the gym today. Ugh. Arms. Ok, at least it's my favorite muscle group.

Love,

Anna

My Heart Was Pounding So Hard

I had never been so nervous at a weigh - in! I actually felt like I was going to faint before I got the scale from the bathroom to the kitchen. My heart wasn't just pounding, it was jumping from the bottom of my stomach to the top of my throat. It was what? 4? 5 AM? I had to do this now, or else get no more sleep.

I strip and step on the scale. Even my feet are sweaty! I almost fall off! And then it flashes...
271.

I was speechless and didn't even believe it. I got off, and got on again. Same number. Still 271. I was ecstatic.

I beat my aunt. By more than three pounds! This week in total was a five pound drop, more than I was hoping for. I did it and I'm okay and I'm alive and I feel good, I think my body is okay too and that we're be fine together, even though it's sure to throw this feeling back in my face a couple weeks down the line.

Do I feel silly about my belly aching? Yes, of course, but I won't get rid of those posts. It's a part of my dieting experience. I'm a crazy, paranoid, over reacting person, and this part of my life will always get such emotions from me. If, next week, the same thing happens, buckle up, cause the ride is gonna start all over again.

This Summer:
Mid to late May, I came to my mother's, hoping to lose more weight. About 30 pounds was my rough estimate. I left at -40 pounds (309) and now I am at -78 pounds (271). That's a loss of about 38 pounds, excluding anything I'll lose during these last five days.

I don't care what anyone says, I think that's a success. I've met my summer goal, now...to take on life.

Love & Peace

Gabby.

Calm Down...It's Going To Be Okay...

I've been saying this to myself over and over since the last's week's weigh in. Yes, I know, it wasn't a failure, and it really wasn't, but it was one pound...almost like a warning. "One pound this week, next week, nothing, and after that...BAM, 73 pounds back in the hole." Maybe not that bad, but you know what I mean.

I'm scared. I'm terrified. I know this won't make me quit, but it's shaken me up more than I would of liked. After giving out the advice, I feel foolish seeking it out now. Why am I so scared? What has gone wrong? What could possibly happen?

Well, if there's a gain, it'll be this:
What could happen] Scene 1: I'm scared I'll gain and that I'll be too brain dead to pick myself up off the floor. And I know that if it happens, my mother, who doesn't understand this "diet" but is as sweet as pie, will say, "Well, what did you eat this week? Did you make muffins?" And I, still on the floor will go, "...yes...twice a day...but I was under my calories..." At this moment, that sounds like an excuse. My mother will then say, "Well, for your last few days, we'll work extra hard. No muffins, okay?" And I'll nod, but feel terrible in the inside because I don't want a "diet world," I just want balance. To just tip that scale in my direction, but at the same time, I feel like I'm trying to excuse my gluttony. And after my mother gets me up off the floor, I'll wallow in self misery for the remaining days, running myself on E on the treadmill, and picking up small children to do a couple bicep curls where ever I can.]

What could happen[ Scene 2: I'll gain this weight and, instead of freaking out, I'll take a sigh of relief. I know that the food I was eating was too much, and the food before was too little. I'll be able to figure out my greatest area of success. I'll step off the scale with this knowledge, explain it to my sweet pie of a mother, who will still not understand and still try and "Diet" for me, which will make me smile and make the gain a lot easier to deal with. Hell, I might even get pancakes that night.]

What if I stay the same?

What could happen[ Scene 1: I stare at the scale, shocked, stunned. I'll run into the bathroom and try to force something out, anything, a kidney, my bladder, just something. Then I'll go back and have 276 flashing in my face. I'll put the scale back, go back in my bed, and try to believe it's just a mistake. Then, a little later that morning, I'll wake up again, get the scale, see the numbers, and cry. No if ands or butts about it. I'll cry. Sobbing? No, but a few stray tears will be seen. ]

But...even when going over these scenarios, I'm scared. I don't want those scenarios, but I feel like expecting a 2 pound drop, which I want so badly, is going to lead to disappointment. I'm so scared that I feel like I'll cry if I leave just shot of my goals. I'm working so hard. And I'm doing everything I was told to do and it's a hard pill to swallow that it just doesn't always work out right. I'll continue with my 60 minutes on the treadmill, I'll continue with the weights, I'll continue on the elliptical, but...I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to make it through all the pit falls of dieting. It's just so crushing to me. I feel like a failure, and I really don't want anyone to know that I can control myself or follow a simple diet, that's not even a diet at all.

All my life someone has had the answer for my weight. Doctors, nurses, camps, and none of them worked and I would be blamed for it, for being fat, for staying fat, for wanting to eat the wrong foods, or not enough of the right foods, for just being me. And even if I could see the flaws in their logic, it always came back to me and the waste of money it had beeen. Now it's all on me, and I can't fail again. I just can't do it. I can't blame anyone , just me, and I'm tired of blaming myself.

I'm so scared that it's not going to work and that I've reached my limit when I have so far to go. This...this is turning into the most important weigh in. It could break me and I'm scared of that.

I just want to lose the weight.
I just want proof that I'm working hard.
I just want someone to realize how hard it is, and that I'm really trying.
I want them to know that I haven't done anything wrong
I want them to know that I haven't cheated, or had an off day.
I want them to be proud of me.



I just want it to work out.



Love & Peace,
Gabby

140's

I am in the 140's.

I thought I would never be here again. I have so much strength, control and power that I never realized. I can and WILL do this.

Lift! For The Love Of God, Woman, Lift!

I am tired of hearing people, women and men, say silly, silly things about women lifting weights. "I don't want to get bulky!" "I'll look like a man!" "I don't want to have big muscles!" "I don't want a girl who's bigger than me." "I don't like thick thighs, they're so ugly!" "How can I get rid of these muscles before they get worse!?"

Unless your doctor has declared you the she-man, with testosterone levels that are off the charts, even greater than a man, none of this is going to happen. Ever. People always bring up female body builders. Have you seen them? Do they look normal? Not only do they do specialized work outs to get such results, they usually have a little friend called steroids. No woman just randomly sprouts enormous muscles.

If you start lifting, not only will your metabolism speed up (since a pound of muscle burns more than a pound of fat), you will look leaner, healthier, and be a lot stronger than women who simply run.

Now a days, people want to tone up, right? That six pack, those toned legs, those lean arms. Guess what...you're going to need weight training. Losing weight does not reveal an Adonis like body underneath. It has to be created. If you want to simply be thin, by all means, run. It's perfectly fine. But if you want that "toned body" that you see in the commercials or even at the beach, you're going to need some heavy lifting, and be able to ignore the BS.

So, no women, a year of lifting will not turn you into a monstrous she-hulk, stomping through the mall, your uterus falling on the floor along with anything else remotely feminine about you. You'll be fine, trust me. If not me, Stumptuous.

Love & Peace,

Gabby

Skinny

I don't know why, but today I was almost enchanted with the idea of skinnyness. Maybe it was all the searching about thinsporation I did the other day. And today. The videos of women, with their pencil-thin legs and itty bitty wrists, and inverted stomachs, hip-bones poking out like bayonets of soldiers ready to attack... I don't know. Something about it was quite mesmerizing. And the messages that this was beautiful, that this was perfection had me nearly hypnotized.

I can only thank someone, or something, that I didn't find these when I was at my weakest. Those were days when I might have eaten 700 calories at the most. I have only done this a couple of weeks during my life, but I feel like I would have done it more had I found the proper support by these "ana" communities. What saddens me is that these girls are deeply, deeply ill, and in love with their disease. They love Ana. Who wouldn't? It's a friendly name. It's my name. And Ana will give you happiness if you just obey her commands.

On the same level, I love food. I mean, I really LOVE food. How else did I get to this point, anyway? Not by accident, that's for damn sure. And more recently, I have become much more enchanted with becoming healthy. And doing things the right way. And getting strong. When I do a 30 lb bicep curl, maybe it's not a lot, but man do I feel really strong. Oh, and when I do squats!! I feel really good when I do that too. I want to start running. I wrote down some of my goals last night in a Sigma journal that was given to me by my big sister. I won't post them here, I want to see if I can reach any of them, first. I know I'll keep working at it.

My main question is, though, why IS there so much pressure to be skinny? Why do young women feel that they must be skinny to be beautiful, or even healthy? And why if a woman like Gabrielle Anwar is on television (you can clearly see the vertebrae in her back and her ribs clearly in many shots--I unprofessionally calculated her BMI to be 16.2) there are no qualms, and she's even "real sexy," but all this fuss is made about America Ferrera and how inspiring she is and "good for her," and blahblahblah. I don't know. Both are slightly outside what is the "norm" in Hollywood, but one is slightly more touted than the other. I personally believe Gabrielle Anwar is far more unhealthy than America Ferrera, but whatever.

What I'm trying to say is that I have tried, and am tried, harder than I ever have to love my body. Not just be content and say "Well if I just lost 10 more lbs..." but really, honestly LOVE it. I want to care for it and make it happy, I want to exercise so it becomes even stronger. I don't want to look at myself and say, "Ugh, what big legs I have," I wanna say, "DAMN, what big legs I have!" And for the first time in my life, I'm doing it. I don't stare in the mirror and pick out the stuff I hate. I look at the stuff I like. I've never been so content and carefree about my body before, and I've never felt so much longing for someone who didn't feel that way to feel the same.

I hope I can hold onto this feeling forever.

Love,

Anna

"Failures"

What is a weight "failure?" Usually, it's anything that's a gain, right? Well, not in my world.

Last weekend, I woke up early, my heart all a flutter, eagerly making my way to the bathroom scale with a mixture of dread and excitement growing in my chest. I was going to do it. I was going to be 275. I was going to beat my aunt. Haven't heard about my aunt? Side story time~

My Aunt, The Side Story: My aunt, in short, thinks she's the shit. She feel's she is the prettiest, smartest, thinnest, "hippest," and all around best person in the family. She 40, or 41, I can't remember, wears clothes meant for teenagers, and is obese. Now, this isn't public, but I've always wanted to at least be thinner than her. I'm already smarter ('Cause I'm in college, lolz), but she's still very, very superficial. I need her to know! To see it everytime she looks at me! Last time I heard of her weight, she was 275. I left for my mother's and I started this secret battle. Now back to the main issue.

So, I strip (pleasant image, right?) and step on the scale. Here it comes. Here it comes! 277 will now be 275! I have met my goal with one week to spare! I am all mighty, I am all powerful, I am Go-...What? 276? 276!?

I was, to be blunt, pissed. I ran more than I ever ran that week, trying to get two pounds down. I watched my food like a hawk. No calorie slipped by me, not a one. And this is my reward? One messily pound? What have I done to deserve this? Was I a goat thief in a past life? Is this my punishment?

Well, after a day of ranting and raving and wallowing in my own self pity, I really looked at what had happened. Hey. A pound is a pound. At least it didn't say 278! I did lose. I also took this as a sign to really look at what I was doing food wise, since I could of been eating too little, but we'll find out this weekend.

So, the point of all this?

Weight loss just isn't a perfect science. Your body doesn't care about how long you slaved over a calculator, punching in numbers for calories to figure out the perfect equation. It doesn't care how long you worked out. Hell, it doesn't even care how you use your calories. It's going to react how it's going to react. Most of the time, it's right on board with the plan, but sometimes it backfires. Sometimes you don't lose a thing. Sometimes you gain. But if you get trying, you'll find it to really be worth the fight.

As long as you keep trying, there really is no failure. A one pound week isn't a failure, though it's hard for me to accept this. Even a gain isn't a failure, especially if you're a chick, cause we hold water like no body's business.

I have to learn this lesson. I have to be content with any loss. I'm not going to have 3lb+ weeks all the time, I might never have them again, but I have to keep trying. I can't get discouraged, or it'll beat me again.

I'm going to slay this fat covered dragon.

Love & Peace,

Gabby

Inspiration? Motivation? Idolization? Or...Obsession!?

When dieting, I feel that it's hard to separate these three little devils before it becomes the fourth. I'm going to try to break it down, more to myself than the few floaters around this blog of ours.

Inspiration: Now, leaving out all the art that usually comes in with the word, try and think of your body's inspiration. Who do you want to look similar to in the end? Did you know this had a term? "Thinspiration." YouTube it, you'll see. Now, you see this body, and you like it, and it inspires you to want to do more for your own body. So a little inspiration seems good. But does it motivate you?

Motivation: Okay, you're now inspired. You saw the body and you wanted it. Now you find yourself doing things to achieve it. You've been motivated to take action. To bring yourself to your goal. Since, in this case, it is a body, you're eating right, working out, really going at it, but, even as you grow closer and closer to your goal, the original is doing/done it better. They're almost like your...idol.

Idolization: "Idolization, (verb: to idolize): as an excessive admiration, devotion, envy or attachment to a person or thing." You follow their body regiments to the letter, you admire their strength and their banging body. You devote yourself to getting to that level, maybe even becoming envious. What have you missed? What has gone wrong? You do what they have done, but it's not working. You're not the same. You have to keep looking, but you're not obsessed.

Obsession: Okay. At this point, just stop. Stop. Bodies are different for us all. If you're staring at a photo on the wall amongst photos of the same person, you've become obsessed with that body and image. 9/10, You don't achieve it. It's just not possible. We're not cookie cutter people. Can you create a more healthy you? Of course, but will you be the next greasy ho to be in a transformers movie? I doubt it.

I struggle with these things myself. I even have my own "thinspirtation" (Enter: Behka). She's a short little Korean girl with curves and is seen as a fat ass. I love her, but I don't know anything about her other than what she looks like and how she sounds. But does that motivate me? A little. I mean, going to the gym knowing that that level of hotness could be in my future does help me lace up the shoes on those more difficult mornings. Is she my idol? Nah.

Now, there is a woman on CC(calorie count) that is my idol. Lost 175 pounds in 16 months. She is my idol and motivation. I want that kind of loss and to look that way (healthy, normal, not bony, drained) at the end. Am I obsessed with her? Nope. I rarely even come in contact with her on the site, though I am friends with her. Other than that, we're on two different planets. And that's how I think it should be.

It's hard to not idolize and want a certain person's body without taking it overboard. It takes balance and an understanding of one's self to know when enough is enough.

Do I know? Well, come back to me when I'm starting going under my goal weight. :)

Love & Peace

Gabby

Rats, Cats, Fat Faces, Food

So yesterday, since I had only had about 400 calories all day and was afraid of starvation mode, I went out and got myself a Oreo McFlurry. I got my wisdom teeth out and eating anything not soft and easy was pretty much impossible all day due to the numbness, and etc. Today, I feel less numb, more in pain. Haven't turned to vicodin yet though, I wanna see how long I can go without it.

I'm disappointed because there is a Lean Cuisine pizza in the fridge just for me, yet I can't eat it due to my condition. OH, WOE is me!!

I have to do some exercise today too--I'm thinking that I'll just crank up Brian Kest's Power Yoga DVD I ordered and do that in the comfort of my own home, since, honestly, I don't feel like doing any sort of cardio, or having anyone see my big fat swollen face. Unfortunately, that can't happen until the cleaners leave, which won't be for another... billion hours, probably.

My rats don't run away at the sight of me all the time, now. They spend time outisde their hut, climbing around. They are starting to take food from my hand. The next step is to use yogurt (they can't steal yogurt away) and get them to eat while I pet them so they associate my hand with nice things.

My cat, Lucky, is getting old. He's 10 and looks it. He's had a long life, constantly getting into fights with other animals, getting hit by a car, all while outside... and yet he's just the mellowest guy at home. Just chills out, otherwise. He's so dirty and brown, he needs to clean himself but I guess he's too old and lazy to do it? His fur clumps up. He used to be bright white and fluffy. Sigh. Old cats, I guess.

I really want that pizza... I guess oatmeal will have to do.

Love, Anna

Fat Acceptance Movement

"The fat acceptance movement, also known as the size acceptance movement, fat liberation movement or fat power, is a grassroots effort to change societal attitudes towards individuals who are fat"

I personally think it's a load of crap, but I see the reason behind it. After reading over Wikipedia's little page of info (found here), I see it more as a point to make people feel more comfortable about their current weight, not to abstain from exercise or change. People seem to think that "fat acceptance" is going to lead to a future of morbidly obese people waddling around the earth, not willing or wanting to change because the stigma around their weight is no longer talked about. I don't think that'll ever happen, but I can see the concern. As Americans grow bigger and bigger, more and more people are going to ask for acceptance. Should they have it? Well...

I think that stigma, that awkwardness that comes with being overweight is a nice fire burning under the asses of the morbidly obese, including myself. If the world let me be this weight (minus the health problems) and clothes fit, chairs were big enough, etc., would I want to change? Maybe, but I doubt it. I wouldn't have a reason to. But how big is this movement?

Enter: More To Love. This show is,in a nut shell, about a chubby chaser. People like to show this as fat acceptance leaking to the media. That this'll show the world that it's okay to be fat, that you cane even be loved!

Again, I think that's crap. The fact that they're separated is enough to show that there really isn't any acceptance going on for these real(fat) women. I don't think there will ever be true fat acceptance and, quite frankly, I don't want there to be. I don't want people to be treated poorly, but being over weight is unhealthy and I don't think people should feel that it's okay to put their body through all that.

Fat Acceptance Verdict: Don't make fun of us, but don't coddle us either.

Love & Peace,

Gabby

The Second Freshmen: Anna

I've been at this weight-loss game for a long time--since I was 12, in fact, and it's only come to my attention now that playing games gets me absolutely nowhere. I've been the chubby girl, 20 pounds down, 40 pounds up, 30 pounds down, 30 pounds up again. Now, I'm 8.5 pounds down, leaving me here, at 151 pounds.

So, I only have about 21 lbs to go until my journey is "complete" in terms of weight loss, but I realize that there's another big part that I have to face, a part that is scary and a part that so many people can't bring themselves to embark on: MAINTAINENCE.

The thought of being lost to food forever scares me. Well, not so much lost, but somedays I get frustrated that I can only eat 1300 calories. This past week, I indulged a little too much, and I lost nothing. Didn't gain, true, but lost nothing. That's still a victory, and I'll be patient, but sometimes I think the hardest thing about this "marathon" is imagining my old pants fitting me, thinking about one of my favorites dresses slipping on, or even my smaller underwear getting around my booty--and not being able to do any one of those things.

There are days, like today, where I feel a little hopeless, and a lot scared for what's to come: that is, college. But, I can't make excuses, I can't complain, I can't even whine. That won't make the weight come off any faster or stay off any longer. What will? My constant and honest effort. I'm blogging to see myself evolve, and I hope throughout this blog, I am able to come to terms not only with my childish fears and insecurities, but also love myself more than I do.

SW: 159.5

CW: 151

GW: 130

I can do this thing.

Presenting The First Freshmen: Gabby

Hello all. :) I'm Gabby. I'm six feet tall (no, no basketball), 18 and very, very fat. After years of being fat, and being called more names than one can imagine, you must find it strange that I decided to start now, so late in the teenager game, instead of sooner or simply not at all. Well, I'll tell you what my kick in the ass was. <3

Early March, 2009: While I was watching a weight loss show (that will remain nameless), they showed a man who was going to get surgery. This man had never worked out, ate constantly, and was very, very large. This surgery was to save his life. For three days before the surgery, he had to stay on a liquid diet. Water, broths, the works. However, one night, he recorded his self crying because his family was cooking hamburgers...HAMBURGERS!? The horror! Anyway. Now, I don't mean he was sitting around thinking, "Hmm...I'd enjoy one, too bad I can't", he was really upset. Crying, sobbing, saying he wasn't ready to say good bye to food, the works. Watching this, I felt pity and a little disgusted. I thought, in all of my open mindedness, "It's just food. Get over it!" Then another thought hit me. "How am I any different?" I used to eat like I was a starving day laborer all the time and then complain about my weight mid-bite. Right then and there, I said I quit. I quit being that fat girl, that fat friend, that statistic. I quit.

April 1st, 2009: I finally weighed myself. I had started the change, sure. I was eating better, getting daily walks. But I just didn't want to face the scale. I knew it would crush me. And it did. Hard. Like, boulder hard. I weighed in at a whooping 349. I cried in the nurse's office at college, and I cried that night for hours. I couldn't believe it. The biggest in my family. That was me. But I didn't give up. I couldn't be attached to that damn number for another second.

Today, July 29th, 2009: Today, I am pleased to say that I've lost about 72 pounds. I'm under 300 for the first time in years and I love it. I weigh in now at a solid 277. It's still a big number, but it's so much less than I used to be and knowing how far I've come, I know I can only get better and better. I go to the gym 6 days a week and have learned to at least tolerate it. I don't diet. I eat what I want. Ice cream, a hamburger, if I really want it, it's going down. What's the difference? Calorie counting. I'm responsible for what goes in my mouth and can decide if I want a 500 calorie hamburger and nothing else for the day because I ate breakfast, or if I want something healthier, for filling and, nine times out of ten, tastier. All about choices.

I want want to share my story because I want to keep myself accountable. I need to know that someone, even one person, is watching. I won't disappoint. I'm going to do this and emerge with a whole new body. Will my clothes change? My personality? My life? Will I be more outgoing?...I doubt it, but I'll be happier with myself, and that's all that matters.

SW: 349

CW: 277

Goal: 162

It's gonna be a bumpy ride. <3

Love & Peace,

Gabby