I lost something!!!

Can you believe it? Got on the scale to 216.6. FINALLY. Best Christmas gift ever! Now I just gotta keep my fingers crossed that it'll keep going down. 16.6 pounds and I can say good bye to these dang 200's!

...Kind of getting better?

There was a shift. A small one, but a shit none the less. I'm at 219 now. I'm trying to not get myself depressed over how these last few months of gone. If the number 200 was a person, I'd beat it up. It's such a hard number to get under! This has just been such a hard time for me with weight.

But I just have to keep the goal in site. 199...199...199...

These days, after some recommendations, I'm trying to eat more. Getting up earlier to have some breakfast mostly. I'm hovering around 1600-1700 calories these days instead of 1400-1600. I don't even know what the damage was from last week. I am hoping that it didn't undo the little, teeny, tiny progress I made from the lock on 224 that I've had since October. It would really bring me down to day the least.

Here's looking at 218 or lower. (How come people in the magazines don't say how hard this is? About taking three years to lose the weight. It sucks!)

Today, I am getting myself in gear.

Something has happened. I don't know what it is, or when it happened, but something happened to my body and I started gaining weight and holding on to it. I'm working out, trying to watch my intake, but something has gone wrong.

Whatever it is, it ends today.

I need to stop waiting for whatever it is to work it's self out and get on this myself. Five days a week of working out isn't working. Fine, I'll make it six. Me "trying" to focus on my eating isn't working. Fine. I'll watch it like a hawk. I'll drink more water, I'll make a damn effort. I'm going to figure out what's going on with me before it's too late.

And...I'm obese again.

So I have been at 218 for...forever. At least, that what it seems like. Step on the scale and what do I see?

A six. pound. gain.

I broke down. I just couldn't believe. I could not will myself to believe. Back up to the 30 BMI, back to obesity. I ran so much that I hurt my knee, I counted the calories, I tried my best to keep myself in check. I just could not understand.

Am I the perfect eater? Of course not. Some days are certainly better than other, but months of nothing and then six pounds? Six!? I'm losing my strength. I just can't with this. All this work and it's like I'm falling back. It makes me want to curl up and die. I really felt like quitting and just giving it up.

My mom and nurse are saying it is the birth control that I recently started and it is taking everything in me to believe that. I never thought I'd be obese again. It truly broke my heart, if not my spirit.

It's my birthday tomorrow...and I couldn't be anymore depressed about it.

Yes, I'm getting older (the big two one), but that's not it.

I thought I'd be done losing weight by now. I thought I'd be proudly maintaining. Not 50 pounds from my goal. It's disappointing. I feel like tomorrow is marking another one of my goals I couldn't reach. I started this April 2009. And it's good. 130-ish pounds in two years is good. I'm happy to be a 218 instead of 349. I swear that I am. But...Dang, if it has been the whole 183. I would be so much happier.

Or, hell, if I was just out of the dang 200's.

I know stopping won't make it any better, but sometimes...*sigh*

Hopefully I won't be making a similar post when I graduate from college.

This is just one of those weeks...

It's just one of those weeks where you have to sit down and look at where you've been and where you are. I'm still at 218, and I have to just sit down and count the reasons not to throw in the towel.

I've lost over 100 pounds. That's good.

I can sit in a chair without fear of breaking it.

I can wear clothes I could at one point only look at.

I can touch my toes.

I can go out with friends and not feel like the "huge" one (though I still feel like the big one).

I get more jokes/taunts about my height than I do my weight.

I have done something neither my mother or grandmother could do with their surgery.

I have the will to move forward.

There, that'll do it I think. no reason to throw away all of that just because my body's being stubborn. Just have to show it who's boss!

Ugh.

Every have one of those weeks that just don't make sense (weight wise)? I did. I gained two pounds. TWO. I have no idea why or how. I shoveled that week, worked hard, ate well, felt good...until I got on the scale. I'm terrified for this week. It's seriously been making me depressed. I feel fat(er) and just ...blah. Even my hair and skin have been getting to me.

I keep going to the gym, keep trying my best with food, keep trying, but it's hard when you're not only not seeing results, but you're getting the opposite effect! I sometimes wish I just had someone to vent two about this and give me a pat on the back before giving me a kick in the bum to get me to the gym.

*Sigh*

Hopefully it'll be better this week.

Wow. Long time no see. Goodness.

I'm back. It's been a long time, I know. But I'm still here. I had a hell of a summer and a hell of a time transitioning back into school, but I'm back.

Because of what was going on I feel off the wagon. (Bad, Gabby. Bad). I just wasn't focused on it. I wanted any food I could get in my mouth hole to get my mind off...whatever. That food was never a salad as you can tell. I went back up to 219 and was there for a bit just getting myself together. I am happy that I did still go to the gym. I'm sure that saved me. I'm down to 215/216, and I feel that I have enough energy to get myself back on track. Get focused on food. I'm working out, but it's the food, the FOOD that I need to work on. My hour in the gym doesn't do much to cookies, brownies, and the like.

I'm not in the dorm (it's not...my cup of tea), and I'm on the meal plan. It was easy not to buy cookies and brownies, but man is it hard to turn down the fresh baked bastards every lunch AND dinner. I've just allowed one cookie to be my dessert. Sometimes it sneaks into a lunch, but I'm trying to strengthen that will power muscle.

I want to leave the year 2011 at 200 pounds. I gotta get pumped, get in the game! This is my last year as an undergrad. I have to leave at the ~goal~.

Also, I hope you are all doing well! Best believe that I'll be catching up on what everyone's been up to. :)

Long time so see.

Sorry I've been away so long, but life has been rough and didn't leave me with much time to think about blogging.

Anyway, I'm around 206 now, which is three pounds from my before Japan weight and six from the oh so anticipated 200/199. I've been "okay" with eating. The fact that they all buy cakes and cupcakes and other calorie dense things doesn't help. I've tripped up myself. I bought myself some nutella and had to dump it because I didn't have the self control for it. That stuff is delicious and addictive. :)

We moved from the house to an apartment. My mom's a bit upset about it, but I kinda like it (it has a free gym and the air conditioner works, which is important in Arizona). Two more weeks and I get to go home and focus on me without any drama. I'll be living in a dorm since I can't afford the apartment, but it's a small price to pay to go to school. I get a meal plan as well, so more salads and so forth.

I'll try to update with the next weigh in. Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their summer.

* Grumble Grumble *

Oh, this summer is just all types of terrible. :/

Fitness wise, it sucks. I'm going to go down the list of why to get it out there.

1. No free gym anymore.

Now, this is the case for a lot of people, but for me, it was something I had completely forgotten about. I signed up for kick boxing, but that's only three times a week, and it's so hot out here that the time I get the energy to work out (mid-afternoon) it's so hot that people can't go outside unless they want to pass out. So that leaves super early in the morning (I've done that...twice) or late at night, when people are out and I don't want to be there. I applied for work, but that hasn't pulled through, so I don't even have money for a gym membership!

2. Food

Sucks. It just sucks. It's like my household hates me. Cake, pizza, fried chicken, you name it, they buy it. Potatoes? Nah. Salad? Nah. Why should they? They don't have anything to worry about. While they're overweight, they're not worried about losing weight, which is fine, but for christ's sake. It sometimes feels like they want me to gain weight.

3. Weight Loss

Since I've been here, I've only lost eight pounds. Summer is usually my time to shine. To focus and just kick start my weight lost for the next semester. But, nope, it hasn't worked out that way. Sucky food choices, lack of a real gym, and my sucky will power have left me feeling chunky and miserable.

People, go to your gym and give them a hug. Kiss your baked chicken and carrots, because not everyone gets to have them!

This is going to be a looooooong summer.

It's been a hard first month here. I know this isn't the blog for this, but I am so ready to go home. The house is covered in pigeon that wake up with the sun, so I don't get much rest. My mom moved her sister and mother in and, while I am very fond of my grandmother, I can't say the same for my aunt. She's very loud, picks on me for everything, and just makes me, ugh, angry. She also is the source of another problem...

Food wise, the situation is terrible. I was able to control what I ate, if I had a treat, I had to buy it right then and there, and I was well aware of it. I could control it. NOW, there are pies (seriously, pie?), cupcakes, pizza, late night fast food runs, the works. I feel like the house(my aunt really) is against diet wise. I know it's not true, and that they don't mean it, but man, I feel like I am under food assault. When you get the munchies and you have an array for treats, it's hard to say no. Doable, but hard.

However, no one is making me eat it, and there are other things in this house to eat. So, while it's not the ideal situation, it is something I can deal with and live with. I don't like it, but I only have till August.

Working out is...annoying. I signed up for martial arts classes & their kick boxing class and I just can't stand how the place is run. Kids running around, people not taking it seriously, it just burns me up. Classes have been canceled without me being informed and I just...Other than the kick boxing, I just hate it. Even the kick boxing has the problem of people brining their little kids, or their teen kids who bring gaggles of boys to look at them through the window while we do the not so flattering workout. Needless to say, once my 30 days are over, I'll be finding a normal, kid free gym.

I'm down to 215, so that's something. I have about three months to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to leave this place at 200 or lower. It's gonna be hard, but it's not impossible. Hope everyone else is having a better summer.

Hello again!

Goodness, I've been busy. All the essays and projects. I'm tired. I still have one more class, but I have a month to finish the project, so it's doable.

Weight has plateaued about. It's at 221 still, but at least it's no 228, right? The goal for this summer is to get back down and, eventually, under 200. I'd be sooooo happy. It's going to be tough. My mom lost her job (and moved from her apartment) so the gym isn't available anymore. I'm back to doing Insanity for lack of anything else. I gotta do something after all. I have been looking at a martial arts place though. I'm going in for a test run on Monday (then can make a payment plan later). I really just need to get this weight off (I can't believe I was at 209 and messed it all up in Japan. Yeesh).

I hope everyone is doing well and is having a good start to the summer. :)

Tired

I'm tired.

This week, I gained 3 pounds. My nurse wasn't all that concerned. She said I usually drop a lot (the six pounds from the previous week) and then gain a little. That's just how it goes. Still, it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't trying to get out of the obese category all over again after I said I'd never go back there. *sigh*

I'm tired.

I made it to the gym everyday until yesterday, Thursday. I made it inside the gym, I changed my clothes, I got on the bike, and after about ten, fifteen minutes...and I just felt awful. I really just wasn't into it. I was tired and just wanted to go home. So I did. Bad Gabby.

What happened was, I decided to treat myself to a cookie. I had logged it before as around...200 calories. I looked at the label and found out that it was actually 356. The font was so small I just never noticed. I felt so depressed. You would of thought that would of kicked my fat butt into gear, but it just made me feel bad. It didn't even fix my eating habits! I ate so much yesterday.

And today, I'm sick. =_=

I had to walk to a station for an interview, so I wasn't totally inactive. I know walking doesn't do much for me anymore, but, hey, it's better than nothing. My eating habits weren't all that better today (two candy bars, can you believe it?). I always get hungrier when I'm sick. It's like some switch gets flipped and it's just me and food.

I feel my gut against my legs when I sit and get all teary eyed these days. I see the rolls and don't even want to go outside. I feel like I'm falling back into bad habits and it's scary. I don't want to go back to where I was. I really want to get to under 200.

Hopefully I'll get there by the end of the summer. I really just have to work hard and put an end to my candy only pity party. (Candy is only for Saturday anyway. :P)

Thank you + Back on Track

I wanted to say thank you to those who commented on my last post. Especially MissHaneefa. Someone having been to Japan, and gain weight, makes me feel better (lol, misery loves company?). It really helped push me out of the "oh god, I'm a japanese glutton" real quick! I'm also back on track. Back to eating what I healthy (including oatmeal. <<) and working out. I'm calorie counting regularly and have already lost 6 of the 19 pounds I've gained. Hopefully I'll be back down to 209/8, and then I can tell the 200's to kiss my bum. I'd like to get to my goal before I graduate college (can you believe that's only a year away? Yeesh!). I have about 50 pounds and a little less than a year to lose 'em. I'm ready to sweat. :) Question: What are the name of the fancy arm bands that have the ipod holder on them? I'd really fancy one since most work out pants don't have pockets.

Ugh. Nutritionist hurt my feelings...

So I met with my nutritionist today for the first time since I got back and I feel...awful.

First things first, she asks be about my weight. I tell her I've gained weight. Anyone who's even skimmed the titles of my blog entries knows that gaining weight isn't something that I take lightly. She, however, proceeds to say, "You gained weight in Japan? That takes some doing." I was hurt. I was embarrassed. I had to try and explain that Japan is not as light as people make it out to be. Their stores aren't full to the brim with health foods, and, while I ate vegetables daily, cheap lunches were not always the most healthy (bowl of meat and rice = 300¥/500-600 cal.). After explaining that the food is indeed not always light, she says, "Well, apparently if that happened."

The whole meeting went down hill from there. I didn't want to say anything, I just wanted to go into the bathroom and cry. I didn't want to talk to her, I didn't want to share, I just wanted to go home. She went through three days worth of food and picked it apart. Sunday I was out with a friend, so it's obviously not my daily eating habits. She even picked apart the fact that I ate oatmeal for breakfast. Saying that the "Maple Brown Sugar" variety has too much high fructose corn syrup, even though I had been eating oatmeal last semester without fuss. She also picked apart the fact that I eat an almond bar as a snack, saying she remembered me eating fruit. she didn't bother to ask if I had any fruit since I arrived, because if she did, she would of known that I had apples, strawberries, and grapes and had finished them last week, before the food logs she requested took place.

I don't know what happened. She was so nice, but to be honest I really don't want to see her again. She truly hurt my feelings and made me feel even worse about my weight gain than I already had. I knew that people would be amazed that I gained weight in Japan of all places, I was too. But she just made me feel worse and embarrassed. I'll probably be canceling my next meeting with her. I had liked her because I didn't liked being judged about what I ate, but that she saw it as a normal part of life. That eating ice cream or, hell, oatmeal, wouldn't be the death of me. Now I just don't know...

Back in the states and chunky.

Well, I've made it back in one piece, my semester cut short.

I'm not all that upset, I still got an enjoyable three months, and, hell, I have a story to tell. I was in the earthquake. Not many people can say that (not that I'd want them to have that story anyway).

Well, since this is the weight loss blog, let's get to that.

I gained about 15 pounds during my months there. I ran a bit, but regularly because of lack of time and sometimes just plain laziness. It happens to the best of us. I'm sad, because I struggled to get down to 209/8 and I was so close to getting under 200...sigh. But, I shall continue. I went running the day after I got back, jet lag and all. So, there will be progress.

Also, apparently, my aunt is trying to make herself thinner than me. She's a 40 year old woman, so you know, and she's trying to compete with me. I'm not that small to begin with...but it seems I'm just too small for her and she feels...threatened? Not sure, since we're in totally different age brackets, but...what ever. I guess it's motivation for me.

So, back to running around and dieting. It's been hard, because I've been hungry all the time...I need to get this under control to get back to losing. Wish me luck!

P.S. Hope everyone is doing well!

Ugh.

Well, if you've glanced at the other blog, you know I'm alright Earthquake wise, but something's gotten me down.

While I wasn't planning on losing a huge amount a weight, I've gained quite a bit of weight while I was in Japan. Between 10-20 pounds. I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who managed to gain that much weight while in Japan of all places. But I just ate and ate, and I just couldn't work out as constantly as I used to...but I still ate. Lots of bread and rice, which aren't bad for you, but in the amounts I had them...man.

I'm disappointed. When I leave here, I don't want to weigh myself until the end of my actual school's semester, because seeing 220, or god forbid, 230 come up on the scale with just leave me in tears.

I'll just have to get back on the horse, but I'm so disappointed that I let myself go that much in three months. I have to try harder.

Photo Update

I haven't done one since...October? I know my body is still pretty much the same, but I've gotten lazy, don't you think?

Sorry that I haven't been updating much in general. Japan & school has kept me busy. On to the photos.

Last Batch:

New Photos:





Kind of the same, but they're there none the less. I do hope everyone is doing well though. :)

I'm around, I swear.

Yup, I'm around. My weight's been the same, but I'm really going to get myself into gear. I'm going to start running a lot more regularly (I've done it two days in a row!), and I'm going to stop with the pastry with lunch and the extra soda/juice (which I didn't even drink while I was in the states, but now I can't get enough?).

I got myself some gum to fight off the "sweet" cravings between meals. And I've restricted myself to tea instead of juice or soda, and of course I have water. I have to get back into the swing of things again. I would like to return under 200 pounds by the time I return home. Wouldn't that be nice?

P.S. I bought my first dress. : x
I have to say that I'm kind of pleased that I can even wear japanese clothing, let alone buy things that fit.

I think I've been binging.

I ate cookies until I got ill, sick to my stomach. Just by myself, in my room, getting up over and over again to eat packet after packet of cookies (and a kitkat I managed to get change for).

I'm disappointed of course. I'm not hungry, I'm just being greedy, eating and eating. I've been eating a lot since I've gotten here (not to the point of being ill, but quite a bit of junk). I need to get my self control back. I feel like I'm in vacation mode. "Oh, some chocolate here and there isn't a bad thing. I'll only be here a short time, I want to try it." It's not like that. I'm going to be here for three more months. That's plenty of time to try things in moderation without eating to the point that I'm feeling ill, long after I've gotten a taste for whatever I've been craving.

I just gotta get back into gear. I have a goal after all.

Freatured on Calorie Count

*Link*Link*Link*Link*

I'm a "success story!" :D
I don't know, I was excited. When I started out I used to read these all the time and now I have one. How fun is that?

That is all for now. Hope everyone's doing well!

Still at 208, but pleased

If I could just lost eight pounds while I'm here and get under 200, I'd be a happy girl.
I took MissHaneefa's advice and around 9 at night I went and got myself some apples and strawberries. My body was quite thankful and so was I. It was so good!

I weighed this morning and I'm still at 208, which is fine with me. My habits haven't been so god, and working out hasn't been consistent because of school, but I'm working hard to change that. I've been running outside and though it's a bit embarrassing for me, I'll make sure to get the job done.

My back pains are awful though.

I tried to go out running this morning and I as done by my second lap because of the back pains. They just cripple me.

Sigh.
Even when I work out I have pains!

I need to SLOW DOWN

I have been going to town on all this food. Tempura yams (a.k.a DEEP FRIED). Chocolate is all over the place. Crepe stations in the shopping distract, really, really good pastries. I'm assuming it's all the biking that keeps the japanese thin, because I could gain a boat load of weight in this country. Yeah, I've been eating veggies, but the price of fruit is off putting. I eat stir fried meat and it is good...so good that I have to reign in those portion sizes. I have to stop myself from eating so much!

I did make a running route. I haven't been able to be consistent about it as of yet, but I'm trying to kick myself into gear. I did manage to weigh in at 208, but this isn't a holiday, I'm going to be in this country for 4 MONTHS. I. have. to. calm. down.

But the food here is just so good. I don't wanna start binging on tempura yams!

Been Busy, but not dead.

Obviously, been a bit busy with Japan and all (the blog is totally up and running. :D). I haven't been able to use calorie count because 90% of the time I don't know what the food I'm eating is actually called. But! Everything in this country has calories on it. On the menus, on the packaging, everywhere. You can't hide from it. So I've been doing it the old school way of just keeping a spread sheet.

I'm trying to get a running route and I ran it once, but I've been so busy that I haven't been able to do much but eat. Next week should be more stable.

Hope everyone is doing well!

H&M response

I was tired last night and just wanted to share the news, but I actually wanted to make a post. :)

I'm all about following the scale. I'm not focusing on weight lifting like I should, so I'm not gaining any real muscle, so I have no reason not to trust the scale when tracking my progress. However. I have just gotten below 211 (at 209 now) and I was at this point a few months ago in the summer. However, my size was still able to change.

During the summer, I wore an 18/19 or 17/16 (juniors) and, while not cutting off circulation, they were snug. Now I can fit my leg and my arm in the pants leg of a 17/16. I just bought a 15/16 and they fit fine, and I can wear a 14 in regular women's stores. Even though I've gained and then went back to my original weight, I was able to lose some sizes.

I was able to go into stores yesterday and buy things. I went to a store and was able to buy an XL shirt without thinking about it(I had previously bought from the store, so I knew my size). When I went into H&M, I was just looking around with my mom. She asked me to try on this sweater (turned out to be mega ugly) and I took in a shirt I was curious about. The highest they had in the store was a size twelve.

My hands were shaking!

When I try on clothes, I still get the shakes and my heart starts to race, because all I can think about is the clothes not fitting and me having to come out with that nervous smiled saying "...it doesn't fit" or lying and saying that it "didn't look right." Just the thought of me going, "...still have so far to go" makes me stomach turn.

But it fit.

And it wasn't a "...don't breathe...don't move..." sort of fit. It fit. At the H&M store, I can go in and buy a size 12.

Now, I can't go a buy a size twelve in many other stores, because sizing varies from place to place, but...I can go in those stores. I can go in those stores. I used to just glance at them 140 pounds ago, but I can actually go in, flip through the rack and buy something. It might be a 12 one day, a 14 the next, and a 16 the day after, but I can go into those stores.

I'm happy, because I've been able to see changes, even though the scale was barely moving. It's weird, because I've always said I wanted to be a size 10/12 and, for at least that store, it's here. I am that size.

I'm not stopping yet. I still want to get out of the 200's and at a minimum a healthy BMI (that would be in the 180's for me). That's something that excites me. Can I say that I feel sort of...Normal? Happy?

I don't feel defeated anymore. I'm going to Japan with my head held high. I may not be their size, but I worked hard to get where I am and I'm damn proud of it.

That is all. :)

I went to H&M today.

I went to H&M today and tried on a size 12.
It fit.
I bought the shirt.

That is all.