Staying on track...

Staying on track these days is hard. My Satruday "cheat" days are something I kind of count on even though this is just the first week. Everything I put on my mouth just freaks me out because I'm afraid of what the next weigh in will bring. =_= Ugh, I'm terrified. But anyways, these "cheat days" are good since I can put things on the back burner. Like, "I won't have that piece of chocolate today, I'll just have it Sunday." "I won't have that slice of pizza, I'll have it Saturday." I try not to gorge myself on Satruday, but if I want to cook up some fries, or some chicken nuggets (not freakishly high in calories, but salty as all get out), I can. And I can also have that chocolate bar (22o calories, but it's a nice treat).

My classes are so...so hard. During break, people go to get snacks and soda (and offer me some) and I sit there munching on my apple. I do enjoy my apple, but it's still weird with the cookies and such floating around. It makes me think, "Oh...Just one..."

I've been going to the gym like I should though! I am so out of shape! Two weeks off brought me down from 5.0 on the treadmill to 4.5. 5.0 gave me stomach cramps and made me so tired that I almost couldn't finish (beyond the normal tired, but like, "I'm in pain, I need to sit down." I do two songs at 4.5, the third on 5.0 and do that about three times. Not as bad. I'm always covered in sweat and I am just amazed and how weak I go in just a few weeks.

Japan is coming...gotta stay on track...I'm going there at 187...I can see it...I can see it.

Oh, and where I now live, two Onions are almost four dollars and four apples are almost five dollars. I call bullshit on that because a box of chicken nuggets is around 2/3 dollars. I'm very upset with the price of food and fruit around here.

None weight news: My hair is growing. :D

@#$^#&$(#)*

I go to the nurses today and they're so happy. They're saying I look great, blah blah blah, and then I get on the damned scale.

221.

I was floored. I know for a week and a half I wasn't working out and that I was eating, I know that, but TEN POUNDS. Of course I cried. My summer's work, gone, smash, crash, gone in a flash. A week and a half erased almost half of the summer, two months of hard work. I was so upset...

I asked her not to tell the nutritionist. Not because she's mean, but because I was upset, embarrassed, and very disappointed in myself.

I knew it was my fault, but still, ten pounds? I hope that it'll go away, like it did last time (Anyone remember the San Deigo 7?). I get weighed again next Friday. I have about...two weeks to try and get down. When I went to get lunch after, I was getting all kinds of compliments from the people inside, people asking how I lost all that weight, but I had this big, fat, dark cloud of shame hanging over me the entire time, I almost wanted to scream "DON'T YOU GET IT!? I ONLY LOST 21 POUNDS AND GAINED BACK TEN OF IT! ONLY A TEN POUNDS LOST! NOTHING HAS CHANGED! NOTHING!". I would smile and get my chicken salad sandwich (the only sandwich I happen to like) and just thought about how I was going to make this better, how i was going to fix this, how this wasn't going to happen again.

I made pumpkin cookies, about 70 calories per cookie. Better than the usual 140-160. Two cookies, around 140, a normal, nice dessert, right? Not when you eat 3-4. Kind of gets rid of the purpose. It's part of this, I'm sure. I have to learn restraint. I'm not an animal, I'm a human, and a fat human as well. No need for gluttony. I ate the cream bun, so it's gone. That was my last hurray, but sitting here typing, I feel terribly guilty. Throwing it away would of been better than stuffing it down my throat (even if I scooped out the cream, not that it makes a difference). I don't even want to eat dinner. I feel like I don't deserve it, but I don't go to bed hungry, even if I've been an ass. I'll eat a dinner tonight, cry, and go to bed.

No one to blame but myself..

Well, I'm getting back on the wagon, focusing again. That week and a half made me lax in my efforts, but today, this hour, this second, it ends. I have four months until Japan (can you believe it?). Four months to try and get to 187, the very max for my healthy weight range. I feel...distraught. 211 to 187, hard, 221 to 187...It seems freakishly impossible. But I'll do it. I won't go crazy either. I won't starve myself, I won't take diet pills, I won't work out until I vomit. I'll just get back into the swing of things. I'll work out, eat right, hell, I may even try other sandwiches. I'll only have two pumpkin cookies. I'll lose the weight I gained (hopefully not 10 true pounds) and...just get back on track.

Man, losing weight is draining. I need a nap and some happy pills (or whatever people have to feel good. :/ ).

Old Photo

Rummaging around, I found an old vacation photo. I look pretty...pretty bad. Not just the weight, but all over. Ha, from the hair style I can tell that I was actually pretty young (Maybe, middle school?) Comparison time~

My mom said (before she left me D: ) that it looked like my sister. I was just...horrified to be honest.

Alright, now for a confession. I'm...quitting Insanity. ;.; I just hate it so much, it makes me want to cry myself to sleep at night. I remember feeling this way about the bowflex a few years (which I quit about...a week and a half in ). Lasting 3 and a half weeks with something I don't like is a new record. I guess I thought I'd start to like it once I started to slow down or something...That I'd stay pumped.

Didn't happen. I don't know, I don't think forcing myself to do something I hate is all that productive. I don't like going to the gym, running for an hour on the treadmill and weight lift, but I don't hate it like this. I can certainly get up and do it.

So...I'll do some walking for the next...three, four days. Just taking it easy. Walking here and there, doing something to keep me moving. Then get started Monday with my old routine, with more running added, lol.

On to the school year~

I'm back~

Moving is awful. =_=

I have so much stuff, I never even realized it. Even though I moved from a room to a studio, I have a lot of stuffed animals. And a toy chest...I might get rid of them one day, but today is not that day.

I had no internet till last night, so that's the lacking of posts. I didn't do Insanity on Sunday. I had just finished moving in (and the emotional good bye to my mother) and it was 9 when I was done all that. I didn't feel like moving, let alone doing pure cardio. I might tack them on to the end, I might. I did Monday, but no Tuesday. I was up at nine and did the hour and a half trip into the city. 20 minute walk to the bus stop, 20 minute ride, 20 minute walk to the location, plus walking around to any and everywhere we had to go, then the ride back (and running home to try and meet the comcast guy) and then walking back once again to drop my friend off at the bus stop.

Sigh.

My legs were achy. Not really an excuse, but it was 7 when that was over. I had a lean cuisine and just messed around on my lost love, the internet.

Well, I didn't get weighed last Saturday (busy moving) and I won't be weighed this Saturday for lack of scale, but I am happy for that. Why? From Wednesday to Sunday, I ate! Oh it was so good. Pancakes, burgers, cheese fries, a cheese steak (well, half of one). It was fantastic! I didn't feel all that bad since I won't be eating food like that again till...This christmas, maybe? I have no car, so walking to burger king is ridiculous to me. I barely want to walk to the market in this heat.

So that's my list of reasons/excuses. I'll be doing insanity today (it's only cardio recovery, so it's nice and slow :P ). I'll also start entering breakfast back into my diet. During the summer, I wake up for lunch, have dinner, and eat my breakfast calories at night. Now I have to get that breakfast in! Or I'll eat my classmates. D: Breakfast is important!

P.S. I am terrified of my gas stove. =_=

Now workout blues.

Well, it's about two hours before the shuttle comes to take me to the airport to fly back home, so why am I posting?

Guilt.

Okay, worked out yesterday, no problem. Today, not so much. I woke up around 1:30 (normal for the summer) and by that time I had to collect the cats so we could put them in a kennel (my mom is going back with me, therefore can't watch the cats). When we came back, thinking about it, I had, like, two hours of nothing...I could of gotten off my ass and gone to the gym for at least 30-40 minutes.

Tomorrow (today), I'll be in the air for most of the day. I'm not doing squats in the airport, just not that into it.

Thursday, we pick up the keys and we're going shopping for house things...maybe I can sneak in a work out in the morning? ...I doubt it... When I was home, I'd drive to a track and do a run. I'm not sure if I'll have car access...

Friday, more house and food buying...I might actually have time. It shouldn't take ALL day, right? If it does...well...I guess I won't.

Saturday, well, I don't do crap on Saturday anyway, and that's move-in day.

Sunday, it's my "off" day from all this. The school gym is closed on Sunday until school starts, so I should be able to start up Insanity again and not feel so bad.

Ugh. Not working out makes me feel so guilty and lazy. I feel like all the posts I'm reading are about how people are always making excuses to not work out and be fit, and even though I kind of feel like I have actual reasons, I still keep thinking, "...I should at least run or something..."

Maybe I'll feel better after Sunday and can get back into the swing of things.

I JUST FEEL SO DAMN GUILTY. Is that normal?

Taking a break from Insanity

I'm taking an INSANITY break. And it's not because I'm lazy or making excuses, Mr. Shaun T.

Tomorrow, I'm breaking in my mom's new pool. I haven't swam in YEARS (I don't even have a swim suit that fits, not that I care), so I will be in that pool for a long, long time. That counts as a work out in my book. Second, I'm going back home this week, on Wednesday, and moving into my own apartment ( Excited. ). I have to pack, help my mother pack, and get my stuff together. I will be busy.

And, quite frankly, I'm getting a bit tired of it. I mean, really, just plain upset with it. Having hissy fits when I had to do it, not wanting to do the warm up. I'll quit if I have to force myself to do it and then feel bad as soon as it's over for not doing a "real" job. I'd rather take a break and come back fresh then half a$$ two days this week, take a break, and all that jazz. Seems like a waste and unneeded torture. I'll start back up next week when everything is settled, no doubt about it, but I think I'd like a week to goof around in the pool, get my apartment in order, and just do some normal mindless exercise before I force Insanity back on myself.

Seriously people, do what you love and what makes you feel good. I still dream of finding that perfect work out. *sigh* Someday soon.

Oh, found out I'm a size 14 today. Go figure. Lose a little more weight and I won't be able to shop at the Layne Bryant anymore for my lady pants.

Lady Pants: A term I use for "adult," "Grown up" pants, mostly called slacks, that I wear once or twice a year for presentations that I have to do at school when jeans are not allowed.

Lost "just" a pound

Why am I always so disappointed when I lose "only" a pound? A pound is a good thing, isn't it? Some people would pray for a pound I'm sure, and if it was a pound in another way, I would be freaking out, so how come a pound in the right direction doesn't have the opposite effect? One of happiness and joy and what not? It's always an, "...Oh...okay...at least its lower" kind of response. If it was -2, I'd over joyed. Hell, anyone over two and this post would be in all caps. Seriously, all caps.

This is also officially my last week with my mother. I go back home Wednesday. I wanted to come back under 200, but it seems 211 is what I'll be going back as, maybe 210 when I actually get back to school. I started around 232, so...21 pounds isn't bad for the summer...right? Not going to lie, I'm disappointed, and a little embarrassed. :( I get weighed at my health center, so I feel like I'm going to come back with "failure" stamped on my forehead.

Sigh.

Weight loss just isn't a perfect science.

INSANITY Day 20: Plyo Cardio Circuit

Day 20: Plyo Cardio Circuit

Ah, the end of the week. Needed it because I was done with insanity. D.O.N.E. Come back to me Sunday. :D

The suicides make my back hurt. :/ I'm 19, it's not exactly nice to feel all these aches and pains (like my knees that sound like potato chips). Along with stretchmarks and skin, these will probably always be my reminders for what I've done to myself. *sigh* At least I started now, right?

I made dinner two days in a row all by myself. :D Tonight was steak~ I'm a beef freak, so I was happy. Next week, I'm moving into my own apartment. :0 So I'll be cooking by myself forever more. Won't that be exciting?

Day 20/ 40 days to go

INSANITY Day 19. Cardio Power & Resistance

Day 19: Cardio Power & Reisitance

I think I figured out why I'm kind of "ugh" about Insanity! I started it because I didn't want to go to the gym, but after a week and a half, I had to go for at least 30 minutes to get the weight a shiftin'. So a part of me is like, "Um...this is insane...but I'm not really losing without regular old running." And also...I'm not seeing any changes. ._. This is getting to the end of week three, almost to week four...How can I post a before and after if I don't have an after, ya know? No lost inches, just lost the two pounds...Maybe it's because my body's still covered in a nice layer of fat that I can't see anything?

Oh well, just gotta see it through to the end.

The iced tea was alright. Might try a different flavor. I'll keep trying. :)

Also, I missed my little bench mark. D: I was "following" a woman to lost 175 pounds in 16 months, can you believe it? I was on track for awhile, but with plateaus here and there, I'm...I'm at month 17! Only 137, how unfair! Maybe I'll finish before next April? Fingers crossed I don't leave Japan with weight to lose!

Day 19/41 to go

INSANITY Day 18: Cardio Recovery

Day 18: Cardio Recovery

A nice, slow day. The running was easier because the day was relaxed and slow. Felt like it took a long time. Not excited about tomorrow because I'm just feeling lazy.

Oh well.

I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Sobe Life water zero. Says there's no artificial sweeteners...I don't believe them. I'll have to keep searching. I'm making my first batch of iced tea tonight. Wish me luck.

Day 18/42 Days to go

INSANITY Day 17: Pure Cardio & Cardio ABS

Day 17: Pure Cardio & Cardio ABS

I hate this day the most because it had two sections. :( No fair, I say, no fair! When I was done, I was truly starving, but the pantry is pretty empty. I had a frozen dinner and just dealt with it.

I started my no soda policy and now I'm watching soda commercials like they're porn. :/ I need to find a good replacement, stat.

Day 17/ 43 Days to go

INSANITY Day 16: Cardio Circuit

Day 16: Cardio Circuit

Well, the second day of week three and the "newness" of INSANITY has certainly worn off. I woke up this morning and had as close to a temper tantrum I can have at 19, because I just didn't want to do it. For the first rotation of the work out, I was just going through the motions, because my body didn't want to move and neither did I. :(

I got through it though, all 40 or so minutes, and I'll get up and do it tomorrow, and the next day...and the next day...Till I get to the end. I probably will never do this again afterwards. I'm not sure why, but the power to "dig deeper" left me in woosh. Maybe it'll come back in the next few days? Maybe it's not INSANITY? I'm not exactly "thrilled" to get up and go to the gym either.

I wish I could find some activity that doesn't make me want to pull my teeth out after a few weeks. That's my wish...I just gotta find out what that is.

Day 16/ 44 Days to go

INSANITY Day 15: Fit Test

Day 15: Fit Test

Back to the old fit test. I tried to push myself to at least go above whatever I had.

The first and most resent results:

Switch Kicks: 80 / 90

Power Jacks: 30 / 39

Power Knees: 70 / 87

Power Jumps: 17 / 27

Globe Jumps: 6 / 9

Suicide Jumps: 7 / 10

Push-Up Jacks: 16 / 25

Low Plank Oblique: 29 / 39

I think that's a pretty good improvement, don't you? Now I'm going to sit and try to get the energy to go to the gym. Gotta lose that weight!

I'm also starting my no soda policy. I usually drink 2-3 diet sodas a days (one with lunch, one with dinner, and maybe one with a salty snack), but I've been reading all these comments about aspartame that I either said I was going to drink the real stuff, or nothing at all, and since I don't like drinking my calories, it seems water and sweetened teas (with maybe stevia) is what I'll be drinking.

I do like flavored beverages every once in awhile, so if anyone has any recipes to slightly sweeten water, let me know!

Day 15 / 45 days to go