@#$^#&$(#)*

I go to the nurses today and they're so happy. They're saying I look great, blah blah blah, and then I get on the damned scale.

221.

I was floored. I know for a week and a half I wasn't working out and that I was eating, I know that, but TEN POUNDS. Of course I cried. My summer's work, gone, smash, crash, gone in a flash. A week and a half erased almost half of the summer, two months of hard work. I was so upset...

I asked her not to tell the nutritionist. Not because she's mean, but because I was upset, embarrassed, and very disappointed in myself.

I knew it was my fault, but still, ten pounds? I hope that it'll go away, like it did last time (Anyone remember the San Deigo 7?). I get weighed again next Friday. I have about...two weeks to try and get down. When I went to get lunch after, I was getting all kinds of compliments from the people inside, people asking how I lost all that weight, but I had this big, fat, dark cloud of shame hanging over me the entire time, I almost wanted to scream "DON'T YOU GET IT!? I ONLY LOST 21 POUNDS AND GAINED BACK TEN OF IT! ONLY A TEN POUNDS LOST! NOTHING HAS CHANGED! NOTHING!". I would smile and get my chicken salad sandwich (the only sandwich I happen to like) and just thought about how I was going to make this better, how i was going to fix this, how this wasn't going to happen again.

I made pumpkin cookies, about 70 calories per cookie. Better than the usual 140-160. Two cookies, around 140, a normal, nice dessert, right? Not when you eat 3-4. Kind of gets rid of the purpose. It's part of this, I'm sure. I have to learn restraint. I'm not an animal, I'm a human, and a fat human as well. No need for gluttony. I ate the cream bun, so it's gone. That was my last hurray, but sitting here typing, I feel terribly guilty. Throwing it away would of been better than stuffing it down my throat (even if I scooped out the cream, not that it makes a difference). I don't even want to eat dinner. I feel like I don't deserve it, but I don't go to bed hungry, even if I've been an ass. I'll eat a dinner tonight, cry, and go to bed.

No one to blame but myself..

Well, I'm getting back on the wagon, focusing again. That week and a half made me lax in my efforts, but today, this hour, this second, it ends. I have four months until Japan (can you believe it?). Four months to try and get to 187, the very max for my healthy weight range. I feel...distraught. 211 to 187, hard, 221 to 187...It seems freakishly impossible. But I'll do it. I won't go crazy either. I won't starve myself, I won't take diet pills, I won't work out until I vomit. I'll just get back into the swing of things. I'll work out, eat right, hell, I may even try other sandwiches. I'll only have two pumpkin cookies. I'll lose the weight I gained (hopefully not 10 true pounds) and...just get back on track.

Man, losing weight is draining. I need a nap and some happy pills (or whatever people have to feel good. :/ ).