H&M response

I was tired last night and just wanted to share the news, but I actually wanted to make a post. :)

I'm all about following the scale. I'm not focusing on weight lifting like I should, so I'm not gaining any real muscle, so I have no reason not to trust the scale when tracking my progress. However. I have just gotten below 211 (at 209 now) and I was at this point a few months ago in the summer. However, my size was still able to change.

During the summer, I wore an 18/19 or 17/16 (juniors) and, while not cutting off circulation, they were snug. Now I can fit my leg and my arm in the pants leg of a 17/16. I just bought a 15/16 and they fit fine, and I can wear a 14 in regular women's stores. Even though I've gained and then went back to my original weight, I was able to lose some sizes.

I was able to go into stores yesterday and buy things. I went to a store and was able to buy an XL shirt without thinking about it(I had previously bought from the store, so I knew my size). When I went into H&M, I was just looking around with my mom. She asked me to try on this sweater (turned out to be mega ugly) and I took in a shirt I was curious about. The highest they had in the store was a size twelve.

My hands were shaking!

When I try on clothes, I still get the shakes and my heart starts to race, because all I can think about is the clothes not fitting and me having to come out with that nervous smiled saying "...it doesn't fit" or lying and saying that it "didn't look right." Just the thought of me going, "...still have so far to go" makes me stomach turn.

But it fit.

And it wasn't a "...don't breathe...don't move..." sort of fit. It fit. At the H&M store, I can go in and buy a size 12.

Now, I can't go a buy a size twelve in many other stores, because sizing varies from place to place, but...I can go in those stores. I can go in those stores. I used to just glance at them 140 pounds ago, but I can actually go in, flip through the rack and buy something. It might be a 12 one day, a 14 the next, and a 16 the day after, but I can go into those stores.

I'm happy, because I've been able to see changes, even though the scale was barely moving. It's weird, because I've always said I wanted to be a size 10/12 and, for at least that store, it's here. I am that size.

I'm not stopping yet. I still want to get out of the 200's and at a minimum a healthy BMI (that would be in the 180's for me). That's something that excites me. Can I say that I feel sort of...Normal? Happy?

I don't feel defeated anymore. I'm going to Japan with my head held high. I may not be their size, but I worked hard to get where I am and I'm damn proud of it.

That is all. :)