I've been saying this to myself over and over since the last's week's weigh in. Yes, I know, it wasn't a failure, and it really wasn't, but it was one pound...almost like a warning. "One pound this week, next week, nothing, and after that...BAM, 73 pounds back in the hole." Maybe not that bad, but you know what I mean.
I'm scared. I'm terrified. I know this won't make me quit, but it's shaken me up more than I would of liked. After giving out the advice, I feel foolish seeking it out now. Why am I so scared? What has gone wrong? What could possibly happen?
Well, if there's a gain, it'll be this:
What could happen] Scene 1: I'm scared I'll gain and that I'll be too brain dead to pick myself up off the floor. And I know that if it happens, my mother, who doesn't understand this "diet" but is as sweet as pie, will say, "Well, what did you eat this week? Did you make muffins?" And I, still on the floor will go, "...yes...twice a day...but I was under my calories..." At this moment, that sounds like an excuse. My mother will then say, "Well, for your last few days, we'll work extra hard. No muffins, okay?" And I'll nod, but feel terrible in the inside because I don't want a "diet world," I just want balance. To just tip that scale in my direction, but at the same time, I feel like I'm trying to excuse my gluttony. And after my mother gets me up off the floor, I'll wallow in self misery for the remaining days, running myself on E on the treadmill, and picking up small children to do a couple bicep curls where ever I can.]
What could happen[ Scene 2: I'll gain this weight and, instead of freaking out, I'll take a sigh of relief. I know that the food I was eating was too much, and the food before was too little. I'll be able to figure out my greatest area of success. I'll step off the scale with this knowledge, explain it to my sweet pie of a mother, who will still not understand and still try and "Diet" for me, which will make me smile and make the gain a lot easier to deal with. Hell, I might even get pancakes that night.]
What if I stay the same?
What could happen[ Scene 1: I stare at the scale, shocked, stunned. I'll run into the bathroom and try to force something out, anything, a kidney, my bladder, just something. Then I'll go back and have 276 flashing in my face. I'll put the scale back, go back in my bed, and try to believe it's just a mistake. Then, a little later that morning, I'll wake up again, get the scale, see the numbers, and cry. No if ands or butts about it. I'll cry. Sobbing? No, but a few stray tears will be seen. ]
But...even when going over these scenarios, I'm scared. I don't want those scenarios, but I feel like expecting a 2 pound drop, which I want so badly, is going to lead to disappointment. I'm so scared that I feel like I'll cry if I leave just shot of my goals. I'm working so hard. And I'm doing everything I was told to do and it's a hard pill to swallow that it just doesn't always work out right. I'll continue with my 60 minutes on the treadmill, I'll continue with the weights, I'll continue on the elliptical, but...I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to make it through all the pit falls of dieting. It's just so crushing to me. I feel like a failure, and I really don't want anyone to know that I can control myself or follow a simple diet, that's not even a diet at all.
All my life someone has had the answer for my weight. Doctors, nurses, camps, and none of them worked and I would be blamed for it, for being fat, for staying fat, for wanting to eat the wrong foods, or not enough of the right foods, for just being me. And even if I could see the flaws in their logic, it always came back to me and the waste of money it had beeen. Now it's all on me, and I can't fail again. I just can't do it. I can't blame anyone , just me, and I'm tired of blaming myself.
I'm so scared that it's not going to work and that I've reached my limit when I have so far to go. This...this is turning into the most important weigh in. It could break me and I'm scared of that.
I just want to lose the weight.
I just want proof that I'm working hard.
I just want someone to realize how hard it is, and that I'm really trying.
I want them to know that I haven't done anything wrong
I want them to know that I haven't cheated, or had an off day.
I want them to be proud of me.
I just want it to work out.
Love & Peace,
Gabby
Here, let me fix this:
ReplyDeleteIf you gain: You will say "welp, that didn't work," move on, eat 1600 calories for that day and the rest of the week and reap good results the next week.
If you stay the same: You will say "welp, that didn't work," move on, eat 1600 calories for that day and the rest of the week and reap good results the next week.
Dieting is really hard, I know. But you've come so far already and you are in no way a failure, and you will not be. I believe in you and I believe that you can do this. I've never seen you so strong or proud of yourself before. Just relax, and roll with the punches. You'll be just fine.