Mental Hurdle: Clothes

Warning: This is long. :0

When most people lose weight, new clothes are a right of passage, right? A shopping trip into the "normal" section of clothes, having a single digit pants size (I don't think that's happening with someone of my height and build, but I digress). For some reason, this...bothered me.

For years and years I have bought men's clothes. Usually I'd shop in the plus size men's section at Forman Mills. I had my reasons. For one, I didn't have to worry about jeans "hugging" my form (I'm still a fan of man jeans though...I think they're "boyfriend" jeans now? Why can't they just be "not up your ass" jeans?) I was under the impression that if I covered it up, it didn't exist, simple as that. Also, I could always find something that fit me. Shirts were big and baggy (cause it's hip, yo), so I didn't have to ever encounter something that would expose me and my hidden fat (cause it was hiding so well). Even when I wasn't in stores, online I would head straight for the men's section.

I'm a junior in college now and I've been dressing like that since middle school.

No one ever said anything (though one of my friends did ask why I wore jerseys all the time. Lol), no one made a comment, good or bad, about my clothes. I couldn't tell you how many sizes I've gone down because when I bought jeans and tops I always bought bigger than I actually was. Always.

But it's changing and it's scary.

I've successfully stolen my aunt's jeans (she's in her forties and tried to wear junior's pants, needless to say it didn't work out) and they are, well, form fitting. It took me a long time to not hate how they felt. I felt really...exposed. I felt like everything was just out in the open and going out in them actually made me panic. I felt like everyone was looking at me like, "Wtf, why would she squeeze herself into that?," disregarding the fact that I actually wear a belt with them (hips... ._. ). I recently started wanting some more...form fitting shirts. I did get them (in the "normal" section) and they fit fine, but it was kind of jarring. I feel like I'm truly betraying myself. Like all this new attention on clothes was turning me into a different person. I found something online that articulated it a little better for me and it kind of...woke me up:

"In high-school I saw the people who put effort into their looks as being shallow, brainwashed consumers. It's easy to get sucked into the ideal that worrying about how you look on the outside is a superficial waste of time, and that what's on the inside is more important. It definitely makes you feel better about yourself. Realistically though, what's so bad about wanting to look your best? I appreciate it when other people take the time to look nice for me. " (http://www.succeedsocially.com/lookbetter)

I thought like that for a very long time. To me, taking care of my appearance would make me shallow and a "sheep." Could other people dress nicely? Sure. I wouldn't think twice about someone else looking nice (except high heels to biology...come on people), but the thought of me doing it would mean that I had morphed into some monstrous shallow she-bitch. That all the time of spouting weight loss for health would be tossed away for wanting to "look good." It scares me that I care what's "flattering" or "cute." I'm scared that I'm *gasp* looking at women's clothes and thinking, "...that might be nice on me." It's freaking me out.

You know I'm actually nervous to go back to school because I'm afraid of the response? I'm afraid of what my friends will think of me. I'm nervous of what my classmates will think, the nurse, the nutritionist. Will they think I've become shallow? Will they giggle behind my back? What will people think when they look at me? Will I still be "Gabby" if I wear a cardigan?

This might sound foolish to you, but it's something that is truly freaking me out. I don't have a choice since my mom went nuts and tossed most of my too big clothes and sometimes I do look, dare I say, nice. But that just...scares me.

What will my family say? Will they pat themselves on the back and go, "See? I knew there was a lady under there all this time. Just took some time. She'll be presentable just like everyone else."

Why do I even care so much about what they think?

"When you've taken your share of crap from people for not putting effort into your appearance, even if they're right, the last thing you want to do is listen to what they say. That would feel like letting them 'win'. That would mean conceding that those assholes were right and you were wrong. You can also feel like since the jerks who gave you a hard time care about how they look, then if you start paying attention to your looks, then you're selling out to become like the enemy."

Man, even though he's giving advice to dudes, I was like he was talking right to me. I don't like "losing." I feel like when my grandmother and aunt see me, they'll go, "VICTORY," and I feel like my mom is doing that as we speak. <.<>

I have a post somewhere that says something along the lines of, "Will my style change, probably not," and looking back at it, I can't help but think how wrong I was. It didn't happen over night. One day I just looked at myself and thought that the baggy clothes weren't doing what they used to do. I wanted to look "better," not worse and after a few months I wanted to look "better" enough that I started to change.

I don't know if I'll ever be prancing around in heels, but I don't think I'll shop in the men's section again, at least, not for a long time. I just need to get over my equation that looking nice equals being shallow and superficial.

It's going to be hard.