It's my birthday tomorrow...and I couldn't be anymore depressed about it.

Yes, I'm getting older (the big two one), but that's not it.

I thought I'd be done losing weight by now. I thought I'd be proudly maintaining. Not 50 pounds from my goal. It's disappointing. I feel like tomorrow is marking another one of my goals I couldn't reach. I started this April 2009. And it's good. 130-ish pounds in two years is good. I'm happy to be a 218 instead of 349. I swear that I am. But...Dang, if it has been the whole 183. I would be so much happier.

Or, hell, if I was just out of the dang 200's.

I know stopping won't make it any better, but sometimes...*sigh*

Hopefully I won't be making a similar post when I graduate from college.

This is just one of those weeks...

It's just one of those weeks where you have to sit down and look at where you've been and where you are. I'm still at 218, and I have to just sit down and count the reasons not to throw in the towel.

I've lost over 100 pounds. That's good.

I can sit in a chair without fear of breaking it.

I can wear clothes I could at one point only look at.

I can touch my toes.

I can go out with friends and not feel like the "huge" one (though I still feel like the big one).

I get more jokes/taunts about my height than I do my weight.

I have done something neither my mother or grandmother could do with their surgery.

I have the will to move forward.

There, that'll do it I think. no reason to throw away all of that just because my body's being stubborn. Just have to show it who's boss!

Ugh.

Every have one of those weeks that just don't make sense (weight wise)? I did. I gained two pounds. TWO. I have no idea why or how. I shoveled that week, worked hard, ate well, felt good...until I got on the scale. I'm terrified for this week. It's seriously been making me depressed. I feel fat(er) and just ...blah. Even my hair and skin have been getting to me.

I keep going to the gym, keep trying my best with food, keep trying, but it's hard when you're not only not seeing results, but you're getting the opposite effect! I sometimes wish I just had someone to vent two about this and give me a pat on the back before giving me a kick in the bum to get me to the gym.

*Sigh*

Hopefully it'll be better this week.

Wow. Long time no see. Goodness.

I'm back. It's been a long time, I know. But I'm still here. I had a hell of a summer and a hell of a time transitioning back into school, but I'm back.

Because of what was going on I feel off the wagon. (Bad, Gabby. Bad). I just wasn't focused on it. I wanted any food I could get in my mouth hole to get my mind off...whatever. That food was never a salad as you can tell. I went back up to 219 and was there for a bit just getting myself together. I am happy that I did still go to the gym. I'm sure that saved me. I'm down to 215/216, and I feel that I have enough energy to get myself back on track. Get focused on food. I'm working out, but it's the food, the FOOD that I need to work on. My hour in the gym doesn't do much to cookies, brownies, and the like.

I'm not in the dorm (it's not...my cup of tea), and I'm on the meal plan. It was easy not to buy cookies and brownies, but man is it hard to turn down the fresh baked bastards every lunch AND dinner. I've just allowed one cookie to be my dessert. Sometimes it sneaks into a lunch, but I'm trying to strengthen that will power muscle.

I want to leave the year 2011 at 200 pounds. I gotta get pumped, get in the game! This is my last year as an undergrad. I have to leave at the ~goal~.

Also, I hope you are all doing well! Best believe that I'll be catching up on what everyone's been up to. :)

Long time so see.

Sorry I've been away so long, but life has been rough and didn't leave me with much time to think about blogging.

Anyway, I'm around 206 now, which is three pounds from my before Japan weight and six from the oh so anticipated 200/199. I've been "okay" with eating. The fact that they all buy cakes and cupcakes and other calorie dense things doesn't help. I've tripped up myself. I bought myself some nutella and had to dump it because I didn't have the self control for it. That stuff is delicious and addictive. :)

We moved from the house to an apartment. My mom's a bit upset about it, but I kinda like it (it has a free gym and the air conditioner works, which is important in Arizona). Two more weeks and I get to go home and focus on me without any drama. I'll be living in a dorm since I can't afford the apartment, but it's a small price to pay to go to school. I get a meal plan as well, so more salads and so forth.

I'll try to update with the next weigh in. Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their summer.

* Grumble Grumble *

Oh, this summer is just all types of terrible. :/

Fitness wise, it sucks. I'm going to go down the list of why to get it out there.

1. No free gym anymore.

Now, this is the case for a lot of people, but for me, it was something I had completely forgotten about. I signed up for kick boxing, but that's only three times a week, and it's so hot out here that the time I get the energy to work out (mid-afternoon) it's so hot that people can't go outside unless they want to pass out. So that leaves super early in the morning (I've done that...twice) or late at night, when people are out and I don't want to be there. I applied for work, but that hasn't pulled through, so I don't even have money for a gym membership!

2. Food

Sucks. It just sucks. It's like my household hates me. Cake, pizza, fried chicken, you name it, they buy it. Potatoes? Nah. Salad? Nah. Why should they? They don't have anything to worry about. While they're overweight, they're not worried about losing weight, which is fine, but for christ's sake. It sometimes feels like they want me to gain weight.

3. Weight Loss

Since I've been here, I've only lost eight pounds. Summer is usually my time to shine. To focus and just kick start my weight lost for the next semester. But, nope, it hasn't worked out that way. Sucky food choices, lack of a real gym, and my sucky will power have left me feeling chunky and miserable.

People, go to your gym and give them a hug. Kiss your baked chicken and carrots, because not everyone gets to have them!

This is going to be a looooooong summer.

It's been a hard first month here. I know this isn't the blog for this, but I am so ready to go home. The house is covered in pigeon that wake up with the sun, so I don't get much rest. My mom moved her sister and mother in and, while I am very fond of my grandmother, I can't say the same for my aunt. She's very loud, picks on me for everything, and just makes me, ugh, angry. She also is the source of another problem...

Food wise, the situation is terrible. I was able to control what I ate, if I had a treat, I had to buy it right then and there, and I was well aware of it. I could control it. NOW, there are pies (seriously, pie?), cupcakes, pizza, late night fast food runs, the works. I feel like the house(my aunt really) is against diet wise. I know it's not true, and that they don't mean it, but man, I feel like I am under food assault. When you get the munchies and you have an array for treats, it's hard to say no. Doable, but hard.

However, no one is making me eat it, and there are other things in this house to eat. So, while it's not the ideal situation, it is something I can deal with and live with. I don't like it, but I only have till August.

Working out is...annoying. I signed up for martial arts classes & their kick boxing class and I just can't stand how the place is run. Kids running around, people not taking it seriously, it just burns me up. Classes have been canceled without me being informed and I just...Other than the kick boxing, I just hate it. Even the kick boxing has the problem of people brining their little kids, or their teen kids who bring gaggles of boys to look at them through the window while we do the not so flattering workout. Needless to say, once my 30 days are over, I'll be finding a normal, kid free gym.

I'm down to 215, so that's something. I have about three months to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to leave this place at 200 or lower. It's gonna be hard, but it's not impossible. Hope everyone else is having a better summer.

Hello again!

Goodness, I've been busy. All the essays and projects. I'm tired. I still have one more class, but I have a month to finish the project, so it's doable.

Weight has plateaued about. It's at 221 still, but at least it's no 228, right? The goal for this summer is to get back down and, eventually, under 200. I'd be sooooo happy. It's going to be tough. My mom lost her job (and moved from her apartment) so the gym isn't available anymore. I'm back to doing Insanity for lack of anything else. I gotta do something after all. I have been looking at a martial arts place though. I'm going in for a test run on Monday (then can make a payment plan later). I really just need to get this weight off (I can't believe I was at 209 and messed it all up in Japan. Yeesh).

I hope everyone is doing well and is having a good start to the summer. :)