Hey, Do You Remember Me?

Hey, do you remember me?

You should. We were together for, I don't know, almost two decades. Remember how much we cried? Remember how bad we were picked on? I remember. I remember all the crude, stupid names those little kids thought of, all of those names that made us cry so much. I remember crying on the phone to mom in elementary school, telling her tonight would be the night I'd change everything forever. That they'd stop picking on me. This was my last chip, my last piece of candy. Somehow, we always got another piece in the morning, didn't we? Funny how things work out.

Do you remember hiding chips under your pillow at night? Do you remember eating so much that family members would whisper and get your mom to tell you to stop? It happened so many times that you were soon embarrassed to ask for food all together. What if they thought you had eaten to much? Gave you looks? What if they said no? You had to sneak it, eat it alone. Couldn't be judged if you ate it when no one was looking.

Do you remember keeping your head down in the lunch room, looking only at the food? Don't look up, don't let them see you chew or swallow. You'll just be the fat girl stuffing her face. If they can't see it, they can't make fun of it. Never look up when you eat. It's shameful that you still want food, with all your bulk. Never let them see you eat.

Do you remember seeing the other kids is all the "fun" clothes? Remember walking buy the shops, knowing you couldn't fit anything, at all? Remember having to order from the adult plus size's women's magazines, even though you weren't even close to an adult?

Do you remember breaking that chair and trying to blow it off, as if it was the chair's fault it couldn't hold 300+ pounds? Do you remember at all? Do you remember how embarrassed you were? Do you remember when it happened again and how it sat in the hall as a memorial to you obesity, it's broken, crooked leg out there for the world to see?

Do you remember the plans? The quick diet plans? The nutritionist? Do you remember buying clothes that you said you'd fit in to one day, just to hide them at the bottom of your closest, not telling anyone you had even own them? Do you remember saving sites with clothes you wished you could fit, just to be like everyone else?

Do you remember sitting and thinking about the day some magical change would happen? All of the sudden you'd become healthier and just melt away. Just magically, no force on your own?

Do you remember how awful you felt? Do you remember how people on the street felt it was okay to let you know how awful you were, how awful you looked? Do you remember people laughing and you, sometimes behind you back, sometimes to your face. Do you remember all of that?

Do you remember when you finally had enough? What time was it? Maybe...2 or three in the morning. Do you remember how you looked at what you wanted, where you wanted to go, and knew that this weight was literally weighing you down.

Do you remember the first weigh in? That really was something. 349. You cried a lot in that office. You were so embarrassed. You were so upset with yourself. You could of just died.

Do you remember crying later that night? You couldn't stop, could you? You cried for hours, till you couldn't breathe. You just couldn't believe it, you couldn't believe how out of control you really were. You had every right to be upset, and you had every right to be embarrassed. But you kept moving.

Do you remember all the walking we did? Do you remember the days calorie counting? Do you remember the first picture you took? It was an awful, disgusting picture, but you took it. And another, and another. You would see the changes, eventually.

Do you remember the first ten pounds? Do you remember the first 50? Do you remember your first plateau? Oh, you were so frustrated! Two months of that! But you pushed through. You kept going to the gym, you kept up with the food. You kept moving.

Do you remember 100 pounds? Mixed feelings, right? Proud of yourself, of course, you lost 100 pounds, but a bit of shame that you had 100 pounds to lose in the first place, and 87 more pounds to go. You celebrated and kept going.

So...where are we now? Down about in the 210's. That's a lot different than the 340's. How do you feel? Alright? Are people noticing? Oh, they are, are they? Must feel good. To show people what you accomplished day after day. That you stuck with it. From Morbidly Obese (Man, could they have given it a worse title?) to just plain Overweight. That's kind of...normal.

So you're still having your battles. College is full of the thin and "perfect." You want a body like that girl, no wait, that body, no, the one in the magazine, the music video, the tv. That one, that one, that one.

Shake it off. You have your own body. You've abused it. It has reminders. Knocked knees, stretch marks, some saggy skin is starting to show. Don't try and trade it in for a better model. You have the best model. It held 349 pounds, it held you up without breaking, without illness.

Do not sell it short, do you understand me? It carried us from infancy to adolescence, from obesity to where we are now, and it hasn't one given up on you, so don't you stick your nose at it for some other person's body, because it's not tight, straight-legged, perfect. How dare you, you have no right. You did this to your body and it's done nothing but support you, from walking, to weight lifting, to running. How dare you try and tell it it's not good enough. Embrace it and care for it.

You have some more to lose. It'll probably take another year. 56 pounds takes some time. You're not in the 300's anymore, so ten pounds a month isn't likely to happen, but 8 is good, so is six, so is five. You have to make it happen like you made the other pounds happen.

Please don't forget me. Please don't forget what it was like to be me, and how much we had to go through. Please, please, please. Keep me with you, wherever you go. I'll let you cry when you're frustrated, and I'll move you forward. I'll remind you of what you were, what you are, what you'll be. I'll be there. Our bond is the greatest thing we have.

We did this, we can do so many other things. We have that power. We can do this. We can do anything.