Unexpected Surpise + Blog

Side note: Guess who got all A's and on B? This chick. Cum Lade, here I come.

Well, I had something happen that showed me I have indeed lose weight. I have a messenger bag that I have just happened to not of worn around since Highschool (probably because it was full of junk). So, I decided to slip the bad boy on and noticed that it was too long. I was confused, because my first thought was, "...did I shrink..." Then it hit me: My strap seemed longer because my stomach was no longer in the way. My stomach's not poking out as far as it used to, so the strap seems longer. I was tickled.

This week has been "okay." I was alone for the holidays, but I did go out to see friends. There has been food (I ordered my first pizza. Did you know that a slice of sausage pizza from Papa Johns is 340 calories? Cause I didn't. Imagine the look on my face when I had two slices). I managed to work out. I did running up the stairs twice because I. Got. Bored. The gym at the apartment isn't the best. There's only one treadmill and a 30 minute time limit, the elliptical is gross and rusty, and there's only one working bike. The stairs seemed better. (And I was T.I.R.E.D.)

Also, I have officially set up my Japan travel blog. Only rule is to keep this blog and that blog separate. :) I don't want my family members trickling into here. I like keeping this sort of "private."

Link: http://japanspring2011.blogspot.com/

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday!

★Merry★* 。 • ˚ ˚ ˛ ˚ ˛ •
•。★Christmas★ 。* 。
° 。 ° ˛˚˛ * _Π_____*。*˚
˚ ˛ •˛•˚ */______/~＼。˚ ˚ ˛
˚ ˛ •˛• ˚ ｜ 田田 ｜門｜ ˚ ♥

My last weigh-in before Japan

Today was it! My last weigh in with my school's help. I weighed in at 209! I was happy. That makes it 140 pounds lost so far. I think it's a good send off, don't you think?

I don't have a scale at home, and I don't know where the scales will be (if any) in Japan. I know they exist in Japan, but I certainly won't be buying on if one isn't provided. Because of that, any updates on this blog will be about trying to continue working out and food. Hope that's okay!

And it's over~

It's all done!
My first semester of junior is done. And three more weeks till my trip. Feels like it's been forever. Is it okay to say I'm excited? After all the paper work and drama (believe me, there was drama), I'm happy that, well...I'm going! To Japan, four months. I've been dreaming about this F-O-R-E-V-E-R. Fat or not, I'm excited!

However! I still need to try and lose some weight. It doesn't stop in Japan after all. I'm been staggering and tripping up, and for at least these last few weeks, I have to take it seriously. I mean, I have been taking it seriously, but I have to put in that last effort before I get on that plane.

I am happy though. I'm really happy that I am not going there at 349. I feel like I would be so much more self conscious than I already am (about height mostly. lol). Though I didn't meet my goal, 130+ is a lot. I'm pretty sure that's the size of one of my friends, and I'm happy to have her off my back.

I've been embarrassed that I've been teetering between the same weight since now and August, I'll admit. I left got on the plane 211, got of the plane at 220, and I'm typing now around 214-211 (yes, it wavers THAT much). I was upset, and I think I'll always be upset that I didn't get that golden number. But I did what I could. I didn't eat huge amounts of junk (hey, we all have our moments...) and I made it a habit to go to the gym (even on the last day of school.^_~ ). I'll just have to keep going and be happy with the body I was able to achieve. (I think I lost 40 pounds this year in total. That's pretty nifty!)


Let's give it that last try!

P.S. I'll be setting up the Japanese travel blog about...a week before I go, and I'll just leave the link in one of the post, so look sharp!

Shaking it off

Thank you all for dealing with my "I suck" post and not slapping me silly. We all have our moments, don't we?

I'm shaking it off though. I have to look at what I did do. I did lose 130+ pounds, and that's a good thing. I won't be going to Japan at 349. I can run more. I'm stronger. And (god willing) I make better choices. No, I'm not svelte, but it'll come with time. All I can do is be grateful for what I did accomplish, and enjoy the hell out of my trip, right? Hell, I bought a new jacket for it any everything. I'm not going to ruin all of my hard work and this trip because of what the scale tells me.

Sorry that posts haven't been more consistent. School has been majorly busy (I've been staying in the labs till 2AM, when they forcefully kick us out). But I have only two more classes left! Trying to get that cum lade!

Also, I will be making a second blog for Japanese travels if you're at all interested. It'll only be three months, but hey, I'm 6ft tall, black, and have an afro. I'm sure I'm gonna have some stories to tell. I just ask that you keep this blog separate. My family doesn't know I have a weight loss blog and I'd like to keep it that way. :)

Thank you! All of you! You are all super amazing!

P.S. Here's the jacket I bought. I just have to show it off because I love the zipper! Jacket
There was a sale. XD I couldn't resist.

I have been defeated.

I've been defeated.

Knocked out.

K.O.

Fatality.

Whatever you want to call it, I lost. I started this all with the goal of going to Japan with an alright weight and I have been utterly crushed my defeat. I am still over 200 pounds (211) and I'm still a large size (14/16).

I am hurt.

I am disappointed.

I really put my all into this and I just feel...down. Empty. A very "what's the point" kind of cloud is hanging over my head. I only work out because I know, without a doubt, that I will gain the moment I stop trying, which will only make the situation all that worse.

349 to 211...So close, but just couldn't make it. So many plateaus, and slip ups, lazy days, and sick days. I am just so upset with myself. I want a cookie...That won't make it feel better, but in the now, I'll at least have something sweet to nibble on while I wallow in my self made misery (isn't this dramatic? Lol).

Let's just hope that this was enough to make my dream trip to Japan a good experience.

Long time no see.

Sorry. I've been busy, very busy. School work came in a flood, as well as setting up the visa for Japan next semester.

...Also a lot of eating.

I've been at 214 for about three weeks now just because of eating. I've fallen into the cycle of "oh, I've have a really bad day, a piece of candy/smoothie/chip/ice cream/soda/ crap I shouldn't have" won't be so bad. I'm trying to get myself back on track though. I have 14 pounds to be below 200, and it would be great if I could go to japan at that weight. Just have to stay ficused I suppose.

I have been going to the gym if that means anything. Well, it does. It's helped me balance instead of gaining a crazy amount. I just really need to get myself together. I'm old now (20), so I should at least be able to feed myself properly.

I feel so guilty, like I'm letting someone (besides myself) down. Whenever someone pays me a comment, I feel like I should say, "No, no, don't say anything. I'm not done yet, and have been eating horribly. Please don't say anything." Ugh. And this is going on my second year and I'm dissappointed in myself. I saw a woman today who lost 200 pounds in 13 months, and I know of another woman who has lost 170-ish pounds in about...17-18 months. I feel like I am just so slow. I just want it to move faster...

In less depressing news, a friend in class is going to help me get my knitting game together. :3 I've made a small cat and scarves in the past, but I plan to bug her to do some major knitting! I hope to learn enough so I have projects for that long, 16 hour flight to the land of the rising sun.

Ran for 30 minutes and got all teary eyed.

Long time no see!

I have been a busy, busy girl these days. Haven't had much time for anything but school work, but I'm getting there. Did want to drop in and say hi. :)

The mini plateau is seemingly over, but I won't say anything until next weak. At 214 now. 14 pounds to go till this Japan goal of mine (Being under 200). I'm about to get older you guys! Next week, the 20th, I'm turning 20! Oh god,there goes the teens. Might as well start making my coffin (lol).

P.S. Miss Haneefa, how was your surgery?

Well, if you're wondering about the title, after getting weighed in today, I went to the gym thinking I'd "push" myself on my cool down Friday (A relaxing work out, no stress and all). I started running at 4.5 MPH at about 5 minutes, and ended at 35 minutes as 5.5. MPH.

I got teary eyed. =_=

Now anything obnoxious, I wasn't crying on the treadmill, but I did get a bit misty. I know you're all thinking, "...Is she on her period? What the hell is she crying for?" Well, in highschool, twice a year we had a mile run. Now, me being as big as I was and a sports hater (as I still am), this obviously wasn't the best part of the year for me. I was always last, I always had the slowest time. I was either pitied (aww, the fat girl's trying so hard!) or just mocked. I usually made jokes at my own expense to get me though it. Didn't work.

Anyways, flash forward to today, I felt that I would of totally destroyed the milerun if it happened today! I can run for 30 minutes...30 minutes! I don't know if this is going to become an everyday thing because I got stomach cramps right after, but that fact is that I can do it, it can be done. I never imagined that it was possible for me because of my tainted history with running. So I got teary eyed. I guess I was proud of myself. I got this way once when I was in the -90lbs area and got overwhelmed with what was going on (in the middle of crunches no less).

I want to hold on to these feelings for those hard days. :)

Also, when I was walking to school, I found a girl's ID on the ground and went to send it to the lost and found. I ended up bumping into her on the way and returned it to her. She said thanks and also said that she and the other girls on the basketball team (Seems she's a member) think that I look great and have been talking about my weight loss (she made sure to say in a good way, how sweet!). I was all tongue tied but managed to say thank you very much and so forth. Since I go to the same gym everyday for almost two years now (and most of the same people are there) I'm easy to "watch." The girl who scans cards also said that I looked great, and some people in offices that I haven't seen in awhile.

Makes me feel self conscious, yes, but also pleased that it's working. :)

A nice video for those who fear being "alone!" : Video
When I have more money, I'm taking myself out to dinner!

Photo Update

I know there hasn't been much change, but I just wanted to get it out there. I'm ill at the moment, so just ignore anything but the size. Bottom one is the ,most recent.






















I look the same. I'll keep on moving though. I'm sick (and I eat A LOT when I'm sick), so I gained two pounds. The nurse isn't worried and I'm too sick to care, so...yeah. See you all next week.

Oh, a weight loss reflection comparison:

News / Weight TV / Pumpkin Cookies

I've been accepted! It's official, I'm going to Japan, land of the rising sun, next semester! I'm so happy. I also lost another pound, but who cares, I'm going to Japan!

Anyway, what's everyone watching on the TV?

Anyone watching Money Hungry? I am (sadly) and...it's really weird to me. It's different from the biggest loser and seems they were picked more on personality than any real weight problems. Sometimes I'm just disgusted by the attitudes...Yeah, I'm going with that.

How about "Too Fat for 15?" This show is depressing. Reminds me of my stay at fat camp...and why I hated it. They criminalize food. I always hated that. Locking the pantry like they're wild beasts. Yeah, some need some control, but just how they talk to them, about them...They're kids, already self conscious, and, yeah, they're "too fat." But be nice!

Here's another, biggest loser is back! I have class during the time, so I taped it (that's right, class till 9:30, make it home about 10...so sad). I hate to say it, but I LOVE this show. I guess it's motivation. I know the truth, believe me. I read the interview and some of the things they tell these people make me want to just roll my eyes, but it's the stories that really get me some time.

So who wants to make pumpkin cookies?

5 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
2 teaspoons baking soda
2 teaspoons cinnamon
1 teaspoon nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon salt
3 cups granulated sugar
1 cup vegetable oil
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 5/8 cups Pumpkin Canned, With Salt
12 ounces chocolate chips
Directions

1. Preheat oven to 350°F.

2. Grease a cookie sheet.

3. Sift together flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg and salt; set aside.

4. Beat sugar, vegetable oil, eggs and vanilla together.

5. Add pumpkin and the dry ingredients alternately to the mixture.

6. Fold in chocolate chips.

7. Drop by teaspoonfuls onto cookie sheet.

8. Bake 10 minutes or until edges are set.


73 calories per cookie.

Now, where I am, there's some strange pumpkin famine going on, so I used sweet potato mix instead. Turned out fine, friends ate them and everything. Just a warning if you're affected by this as well.

Moving on then.

Well, since I've given up the 211 number, I've been much more content with my loss, not just trying to get back to where I was. I'll get there eventually, I know that, just probably in a few weeks.

I lost another 2 pounds, so I'm down to 216. :) The goal for my trip to Japan is going to try to be under 200, so only 16 more pounds to go till I meet that goal. When I come back from Japan, the goal is to be around the 180's, and by my 21st Birthday, I was to be D-O-N-E, done with this. 162-167. I want to start maintaining! And focus more on weight lifting.

I am addicted to yoplait smoothies. Did I say that already? I don't even remember. But they're good. I have one in the morning with toast and it is awesome. I don't even need any stevia to try and sweeten it up! It's just super fantastic. <3

Today I'm going to see a friend and we are going to have a food fest. This is our last outing together till about October when we go on a trip to New York, so we're going to some places we've always wanted to stop by. One is "Sakura Mandarin." As weird as the same is (japanese and chinese in there?) they are supposed to have some fantastic soup dumplings that we just have to try. After that, it's off to the Franklin Fountain. If anyone watches the travel channel (Man vs Food) you might of seen it. We're walking to it to try this supposedly amazing, fantastic, delicious ice cream.

I hope it's good!

Hey, Do You Remember Me?

Hey, do you remember me?

You should. We were together for, I don't know, almost two decades. Remember how much we cried? Remember how bad we were picked on? I remember. I remember all the crude, stupid names those little kids thought of, all of those names that made us cry so much. I remember crying on the phone to mom in elementary school, telling her tonight would be the night I'd change everything forever. That they'd stop picking on me. This was my last chip, my last piece of candy. Somehow, we always got another piece in the morning, didn't we? Funny how things work out.

Do you remember hiding chips under your pillow at night? Do you remember eating so much that family members would whisper and get your mom to tell you to stop? It happened so many times that you were soon embarrassed to ask for food all together. What if they thought you had eaten to much? Gave you looks? What if they said no? You had to sneak it, eat it alone. Couldn't be judged if you ate it when no one was looking.

Do you remember keeping your head down in the lunch room, looking only at the food? Don't look up, don't let them see you chew or swallow. You'll just be the fat girl stuffing her face. If they can't see it, they can't make fun of it. Never look up when you eat. It's shameful that you still want food, with all your bulk. Never let them see you eat.

Do you remember seeing the other kids is all the "fun" clothes? Remember walking buy the shops, knowing you couldn't fit anything, at all? Remember having to order from the adult plus size's women's magazines, even though you weren't even close to an adult?

Do you remember breaking that chair and trying to blow it off, as if it was the chair's fault it couldn't hold 300+ pounds? Do you remember at all? Do you remember how embarrassed you were? Do you remember when it happened again and how it sat in the hall as a memorial to you obesity, it's broken, crooked leg out there for the world to see?

Do you remember the plans? The quick diet plans? The nutritionist? Do you remember buying clothes that you said you'd fit in to one day, just to hide them at the bottom of your closest, not telling anyone you had even own them? Do you remember saving sites with clothes you wished you could fit, just to be like everyone else?

Do you remember sitting and thinking about the day some magical change would happen? All of the sudden you'd become healthier and just melt away. Just magically, no force on your own?

Do you remember how awful you felt? Do you remember how people on the street felt it was okay to let you know how awful you were, how awful you looked? Do you remember people laughing and you, sometimes behind you back, sometimes to your face. Do you remember all of that?

Do you remember when you finally had enough? What time was it? Maybe...2 or three in the morning. Do you remember how you looked at what you wanted, where you wanted to go, and knew that this weight was literally weighing you down.

Do you remember the first weigh in? That really was something. 349. You cried a lot in that office. You were so embarrassed. You were so upset with yourself. You could of just died.

Do you remember crying later that night? You couldn't stop, could you? You cried for hours, till you couldn't breathe. You just couldn't believe it, you couldn't believe how out of control you really were. You had every right to be upset, and you had every right to be embarrassed. But you kept moving.

Do you remember all the walking we did? Do you remember the days calorie counting? Do you remember the first picture you took? It was an awful, disgusting picture, but you took it. And another, and another. You would see the changes, eventually.

Do you remember the first ten pounds? Do you remember the first 50? Do you remember your first plateau? Oh, you were so frustrated! Two months of that! But you pushed through. You kept going to the gym, you kept up with the food. You kept moving.

Do you remember 100 pounds? Mixed feelings, right? Proud of yourself, of course, you lost 100 pounds, but a bit of shame that you had 100 pounds to lose in the first place, and 87 more pounds to go. You celebrated and kept going.

So...where are we now? Down about in the 210's. That's a lot different than the 340's. How do you feel? Alright? Are people noticing? Oh, they are, are they? Must feel good. To show people what you accomplished day after day. That you stuck with it. From Morbidly Obese (Man, could they have given it a worse title?) to just plain Overweight. That's kind of...normal.

So you're still having your battles. College is full of the thin and "perfect." You want a body like that girl, no wait, that body, no, the one in the magazine, the music video, the tv. That one, that one, that one.

Shake it off. You have your own body. You've abused it. It has reminders. Knocked knees, stretch marks, some saggy skin is starting to show. Don't try and trade it in for a better model. You have the best model. It held 349 pounds, it held you up without breaking, without illness.

Do not sell it short, do you understand me? It carried us from infancy to adolescence, from obesity to where we are now, and it hasn't one given up on you, so don't you stick your nose at it for some other person's body, because it's not tight, straight-legged, perfect. How dare you, you have no right. You did this to your body and it's done nothing but support you, from walking, to weight lifting, to running. How dare you try and tell it it's not good enough. Embrace it and care for it.

You have some more to lose. It'll probably take another year. 56 pounds takes some time. You're not in the 300's anymore, so ten pounds a month isn't likely to happen, but 8 is good, so is six, so is five. You have to make it happen like you made the other pounds happen.

Please don't forget me. Please don't forget what it was like to be me, and how much we had to go through. Please, please, please. Keep me with you, wherever you go. I'll let you cry when you're frustrated, and I'll move you forward. I'll remind you of what you were, what you are, what you'll be. I'll be there. Our bond is the greatest thing we have.

We did this, we can do so many other things. We have that power. We can do this. We can do anything.

Shaking it off and starting over.

Well, I'm kind of letting go of the 211. It's gone (for now) and I can only work off of where I am right now. Shaking it off, the feeling ugly as well, and just moving forward. Getting ready for Japan, focusing on my classes, and just taking care of business (plus, being all huffy won't make me smarter, do my homework, or make me lose weight). So, putting on my big girl panties and moving on. Down to 218.5 from 221 two weeks ago and that's just fine.

Anyway, little story for you.

I went with a friend to Macy's because I was looking for a swimsuit (what was left of them) and she was...well, I'm not sure what she was doing, but we got separated. After I got my less than awesome purchase (I'm getting good swimsuits in the mail. But I just had to go swimming), I walked by what I thought was a very pretty dress. It was one of those dresses people would wear to "gala" type things. All fancy, with a frilly collar, fitted waist, or in a nut shell, something I'd never wear and probably never will. With my friend gone, I looked at the dress and wondered, "What would happen if I tried this on?" I wasn't in the plus size section, and I have been told that I'm a size 14.

I looked left. I looked right. No friend in sight. I got the 14 off the rack and scurried into the changing room and locked the door. I looked at the price tag. 209 dollars. Yeah, I'd never buy this, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night, but I would try it on. The result?

Now, it doesn't look nice on me, like, at all. I have a dip in my hips, HOWEVER, that is not the point. The point is it fit, quite well. The size 14 fit. It wasn't a struggle, no sucking in. I was able to walk around the little room and look at it without feeling like it was going to bust open and my flab would spill all over the place.

It fit.

Seems this dieting thing is working after all. :)

Every just have an "I'm Ugly" day?

I'm having one of those days. I'm looking myself in the mirror and just picking myself apart. Sometimes I feel like I forgot to even get my cards when they were dealing out the physical cards.

I don't have any of the "black" features body wise. I never did. Even when I was at my largest, I was never curvy. I don't have a large bust, so even now it's pretty much right in line with my gut. I don't have "junk in the trunk." So it also lines up nicely with my thigh fat. I don't have a very visible waist, so I don't have "hips" or the illusion of having some kind of shape.

I'm losing weight, but I really feel more "fat" than ever. And some of me is starting to look like it's "melting." It makes my body...not so cool. I'm the only one who sees it of course, but still...All I really see is that my body is still covered in this nice layer of unattractive fat.

I have strange shade of skin. It's not really brown, but like...a greenish brown (if that makes any sense). I'm envious of anyone with a pretty, even skin tone. Darker or lighter, doesn't matter to me. My whole family has that smooth, chocolaty complexion. I look like mine has gone bad. Plus, nothing really keeps it clear.

I have small eyes that make me look tired, and one missed night of sleep and I look three times my age. I don't think I even look my age. I'd like to look 19/20, but I feel like I'm pushing 28/30. What'll happen when I'm actually that age? My face it's self is long, and rather mannish to me. When I'm by myself, it looks like I'm angry, all the time, even if I'm just sitting around, daydreaming, it looks like I'm going to cut someone.

I'm tall, no biggy, but I have nice knocked-kneed legs. I'm very self conscious of them, which I know only makes it worse, since it'll make people notice.

Ugh. Everyone has something, right?

I like food too much to be thin + Muffin Recipe

I like food too much to be thin.

That's what the magazines tell me anyway. Lose # pounds in # weeks by eating # food. I like food. I like to eat. How come there's never and "eating" diet? =_= I think if someone asked me what I ate for dieting (and didn't know me) they'd be stunned. I mostly eat salads in between meals, rarely as an actual meal because it leaves me hungry unless I bulk it up, and at that point, it's like, "...Can't I just eat a sandwich?"

I like sweets. I like cookies and ice cream and muffins. Don't get me wrong, I don't eat them like I used to, but I do eat them. I like fast food. I like (dun dun dun) processed, nasty, it's-gonna-kill-ya food. My birthday is coming up and I'm already planning on the cake I'm going to buy. Yeah, it's that intense.

I was watching a show with someone who had a weight loss surgery and could no longer eat steak, pasta, or bread, but said it was totally worth it. I believed him, but if that was my life, I'd be banging my head against the wall daily. No steak? Pasta!? BREAD!? Ugh. Thinking of it gives me the willies.

So, I like food too much to be thin. However, I like food just enough to be healthy. :) It made me chuckle a bit when the nurse told me not to do anything drastic or gimmicky to try and lose the weight. I have to admit, diet pills are seductive. Being magically not hungry? Miraculously burning more calories? Sounds pretty sweet. However, I don't want my heart to explode, so the cons outweigh the pros.

P.S. Has anyone notices how girls' toy commercials are all "teen dolls" or baby dolls? Is that all girls can be now a days? A fashion forward "individual" or a mom? What happened to toys that were just...toys? Sock-em-boppers anyone? Le sigh~

Anyway, food time.

RECIPE:

Everyone loves muffins, right? How about strawberries? Strawberry Muffins anyone~?

1	cup whole wheat flour
1	cup all purpose flour
1/2	cup sugar
1 1/2	tsp baking soda
2	eggs
1/2	cup fat free plain yogurt
1/2	cup low fat vanilla yogurt
1/4	cup butter, melted
1	tsp vanilla
1	cup strawberries, chopped

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375F.
   
   
2. In a bowl, mix together flour, sugar and baking soda.
   
   
3. In another bowl, mix eggs, yogurt, butter and vanilla.
   
   
4. Toss strawberries into the flour mixture.
   
   
5. Pour yogurt mixture into flour mixture and stir.
   
   
6. Spoon batter into greased muffin tin.
   
   
7. Bake for 20-25 minutes, or until tops are golden brown.

160 calories per muffin. If I can make them, anyone can. I made two batches (24) just to get rid of four eggs. Awesome, awesome day. I wouldn't recommend eating them fresh out of the oven. Hot strawberries are actually not all that pleasant, to me anyway. I put them in the fridge and just eat them cold. Then again, I like muffins regardless of temperature. :)

Next week I'll post the recipe for Pumpkin Chocolate Chip cookies (Warning, those will be addictive). This recipe can be found on Calorie Count. Happy baking~

Ah...Here we go again...

Back to the roller-coaster that is school weigh ins. Only went down to 220. 220! Ugh. I wanted to punch the wall! Did I really gain 10 pounds of 100% fat? Why does this damn weight keep trying to come back and ruin my plans? WHY! I still went to the gym afterwards, even though I was 100% huffy about my weight and embarrassed since I was meeting my nutritionist today with my magic 10 pound gain.

However, there was a silver lining.

During freshmen year, back before I ever got "serious," I went in for a personal training session. I think I did it a few times and promptly quick next semester. The woman/girl who was my personal trainer got promoted, but I saw her around, though we did nothing but smile and nod to each other. However, she came up next to my treadmill and said, "Hey, I think I trained you about two years ago." I nodded of course and smile, " Mrs ####, right?" She nodded and said that she had seen me around and thought that I really looked good. It was a nice pick up that I needed.

My nutritionist was more than nice and didn't hang on the weight thing. Things happen was the feeling I got from her about it. I might actually be losing my nutritionist. D: She brought in a woman who might be her replacement. She was nice enough (she only stayed for a few minutes), but my nutritionist has been with me since the 300's. We're close!

I hope she stays. ;.;

P.S. I'M GOING SWIMMING!

Staying on track...

Staying on track these days is hard. My Satruday "cheat" days are something I kind of count on even though this is just the first week. Everything I put on my mouth just freaks me out because I'm afraid of what the next weigh in will bring. =_= Ugh, I'm terrified. But anyways, these "cheat days" are good since I can put things on the back burner. Like, "I won't have that piece of chocolate today, I'll just have it Sunday." "I won't have that slice of pizza, I'll have it Saturday." I try not to gorge myself on Satruday, but if I want to cook up some fries, or some chicken nuggets (not freakishly high in calories, but salty as all get out), I can. And I can also have that chocolate bar (22o calories, but it's a nice treat).

My classes are so...so hard. During break, people go to get snacks and soda (and offer me some) and I sit there munching on my apple. I do enjoy my apple, but it's still weird with the cookies and such floating around. It makes me think, "Oh...Just one..."

I've been going to the gym like I should though! I am so out of shape! Two weeks off brought me down from 5.0 on the treadmill to 4.5. 5.0 gave me stomach cramps and made me so tired that I almost couldn't finish (beyond the normal tired, but like, "I'm in pain, I need to sit down." I do two songs at 4.5, the third on 5.0 and do that about three times. Not as bad. I'm always covered in sweat and I am just amazed and how weak I go in just a few weeks.

Japan is coming...gotta stay on track...I'm going there at 187...I can see it...I can see it.

Oh, and where I now live, two Onions are almost four dollars and four apples are almost five dollars. I call bullshit on that because a box of chicken nuggets is around 2/3 dollars. I'm very upset with the price of food and fruit around here.

None weight news: My hair is growing. :D

@#$^#&$(#)*

I go to the nurses today and they're so happy. They're saying I look great, blah blah blah, and then I get on the damned scale.

221.

I was floored. I know for a week and a half I wasn't working out and that I was eating, I know that, but TEN POUNDS. Of course I cried. My summer's work, gone, smash, crash, gone in a flash. A week and a half erased almost half of the summer, two months of hard work. I was so upset...

I asked her not to tell the nutritionist. Not because she's mean, but because I was upset, embarrassed, and very disappointed in myself.

I knew it was my fault, but still, ten pounds? I hope that it'll go away, like it did last time (Anyone remember the San Deigo 7?). I get weighed again next Friday. I have about...two weeks to try and get down. When I went to get lunch after, I was getting all kinds of compliments from the people inside, people asking how I lost all that weight, but I had this big, fat, dark cloud of shame hanging over me the entire time, I almost wanted to scream "DON'T YOU GET IT!? I ONLY LOST 21 POUNDS AND GAINED BACK TEN OF IT! ONLY A TEN POUNDS LOST! NOTHING HAS CHANGED! NOTHING!". I would smile and get my chicken salad sandwich (the only sandwich I happen to like) and just thought about how I was going to make this better, how i was going to fix this, how this wasn't going to happen again.

I made pumpkin cookies, about 70 calories per cookie. Better than the usual 140-160. Two cookies, around 140, a normal, nice dessert, right? Not when you eat 3-4. Kind of gets rid of the purpose. It's part of this, I'm sure. I have to learn restraint. I'm not an animal, I'm a human, and a fat human as well. No need for gluttony. I ate the cream bun, so it's gone. That was my last hurray, but sitting here typing, I feel terribly guilty. Throwing it away would of been better than stuffing it down my throat (even if I scooped out the cream, not that it makes a difference). I don't even want to eat dinner. I feel like I don't deserve it, but I don't go to bed hungry, even if I've been an ass. I'll eat a dinner tonight, cry, and go to bed.

No one to blame but myself..

Well, I'm getting back on the wagon, focusing again. That week and a half made me lax in my efforts, but today, this hour, this second, it ends. I have four months until Japan (can you believe it?). Four months to try and get to 187, the very max for my healthy weight range. I feel...distraught. 211 to 187, hard, 221 to 187...It seems freakishly impossible. But I'll do it. I won't go crazy either. I won't starve myself, I won't take diet pills, I won't work out until I vomit. I'll just get back into the swing of things. I'll work out, eat right, hell, I may even try other sandwiches. I'll only have two pumpkin cookies. I'll lose the weight I gained (hopefully not 10 true pounds) and...just get back on track.

Man, losing weight is draining. I need a nap and some happy pills (or whatever people have to feel good. :/ ).

Old Photo

Rummaging around, I found an old vacation photo. I look pretty...pretty bad. Not just the weight, but all over. Ha, from the hair style I can tell that I was actually pretty young (Maybe, middle school?) Comparison time~

My mom said (before she left me D: ) that it looked like my sister. I was just...horrified to be honest.

Alright, now for a confession. I'm...quitting Insanity. ;.; I just hate it so much, it makes me want to cry myself to sleep at night. I remember feeling this way about the bowflex a few years (which I quit about...a week and a half in ). Lasting 3 and a half weeks with something I don't like is a new record. I guess I thought I'd start to like it once I started to slow down or something...That I'd stay pumped.

Didn't happen. I don't know, I don't think forcing myself to do something I hate is all that productive. I don't like going to the gym, running for an hour on the treadmill and weight lift, but I don't hate it like this. I can certainly get up and do it.

So...I'll do some walking for the next...three, four days. Just taking it easy. Walking here and there, doing something to keep me moving. Then get started Monday with my old routine, with more running added, lol.

On to the school year~

I'm back~

Moving is awful. =_=

I have so much stuff, I never even realized it. Even though I moved from a room to a studio, I have a lot of stuffed animals. And a toy chest...I might get rid of them one day, but today is not that day.

I had no internet till last night, so that's the lacking of posts. I didn't do Insanity on Sunday. I had just finished moving in (and the emotional good bye to my mother) and it was 9 when I was done all that. I didn't feel like moving, let alone doing pure cardio. I might tack them on to the end, I might. I did Monday, but no Tuesday. I was up at nine and did the hour and a half trip into the city. 20 minute walk to the bus stop, 20 minute ride, 20 minute walk to the location, plus walking around to any and everywhere we had to go, then the ride back (and running home to try and meet the comcast guy) and then walking back once again to drop my friend off at the bus stop.

Sigh.

My legs were achy. Not really an excuse, but it was 7 when that was over. I had a lean cuisine and just messed around on my lost love, the internet.

Well, I didn't get weighed last Saturday (busy moving) and I won't be weighed this Saturday for lack of scale, but I am happy for that. Why? From Wednesday to Sunday, I ate! Oh it was so good. Pancakes, burgers, cheese fries, a cheese steak (well, half of one). It was fantastic! I didn't feel all that bad since I won't be eating food like that again till...This christmas, maybe? I have no car, so walking to burger king is ridiculous to me. I barely want to walk to the market in this heat.

So that's my list of reasons/excuses. I'll be doing insanity today (it's only cardio recovery, so it's nice and slow :P ). I'll also start entering breakfast back into my diet. During the summer, I wake up for lunch, have dinner, and eat my breakfast calories at night. Now I have to get that breakfast in! Or I'll eat my classmates. D: Breakfast is important!

P.S. I am terrified of my gas stove. =_=

Now workout blues.

Well, it's about two hours before the shuttle comes to take me to the airport to fly back home, so why am I posting?

Guilt.

Okay, worked out yesterday, no problem. Today, not so much. I woke up around 1:30 (normal for the summer) and by that time I had to collect the cats so we could put them in a kennel (my mom is going back with me, therefore can't watch the cats). When we came back, thinking about it, I had, like, two hours of nothing...I could of gotten off my ass and gone to the gym for at least 30-40 minutes.

Tomorrow (today), I'll be in the air for most of the day. I'm not doing squats in the airport, just not that into it.

Thursday, we pick up the keys and we're going shopping for house things...maybe I can sneak in a work out in the morning? ...I doubt it... When I was home, I'd drive to a track and do a run. I'm not sure if I'll have car access...

Friday, more house and food buying...I might actually have time. It shouldn't take ALL day, right? If it does...well...I guess I won't.

Saturday, well, I don't do crap on Saturday anyway, and that's move-in day.

Sunday, it's my "off" day from all this. The school gym is closed on Sunday until school starts, so I should be able to start up Insanity again and not feel so bad.

Ugh. Not working out makes me feel so guilty and lazy. I feel like all the posts I'm reading are about how people are always making excuses to not work out and be fit, and even though I kind of feel like I have actual reasons, I still keep thinking, "...I should at least run or something..."

Maybe I'll feel better after Sunday and can get back into the swing of things.

I JUST FEEL SO DAMN GUILTY. Is that normal?

Taking a break from Insanity

I'm taking an INSANITY break. And it's not because I'm lazy or making excuses, Mr. Shaun T.

Tomorrow, I'm breaking in my mom's new pool. I haven't swam in YEARS (I don't even have a swim suit that fits, not that I care), so I will be in that pool for a long, long time. That counts as a work out in my book. Second, I'm going back home this week, on Wednesday, and moving into my own apartment ( Excited. ). I have to pack, help my mother pack, and get my stuff together. I will be busy.

And, quite frankly, I'm getting a bit tired of it. I mean, really, just plain upset with it. Having hissy fits when I had to do it, not wanting to do the warm up. I'll quit if I have to force myself to do it and then feel bad as soon as it's over for not doing a "real" job. I'd rather take a break and come back fresh then half a$$ two days this week, take a break, and all that jazz. Seems like a waste and unneeded torture. I'll start back up next week when everything is settled, no doubt about it, but I think I'd like a week to goof around in the pool, get my apartment in order, and just do some normal mindless exercise before I force Insanity back on myself.

Seriously people, do what you love and what makes you feel good. I still dream of finding that perfect work out. *sigh* Someday soon.

Oh, found out I'm a size 14 today. Go figure. Lose a little more weight and I won't be able to shop at the Layne Bryant anymore for my lady pants.

Lady Pants: A term I use for "adult," "Grown up" pants, mostly called slacks, that I wear once or twice a year for presentations that I have to do at school when jeans are not allowed.

Lost "just" a pound

Why am I always so disappointed when I lose "only" a pound? A pound is a good thing, isn't it? Some people would pray for a pound I'm sure, and if it was a pound in another way, I would be freaking out, so how come a pound in the right direction doesn't have the opposite effect? One of happiness and joy and what not? It's always an, "...Oh...okay...at least its lower" kind of response. If it was -2, I'd over joyed. Hell, anyone over two and this post would be in all caps. Seriously, all caps.

This is also officially my last week with my mother. I go back home Wednesday. I wanted to come back under 200, but it seems 211 is what I'll be going back as, maybe 210 when I actually get back to school. I started around 232, so...21 pounds isn't bad for the summer...right? Not going to lie, I'm disappointed, and a little embarrassed. :( I get weighed at my health center, so I feel like I'm going to come back with "failure" stamped on my forehead.

Sigh.

Weight loss just isn't a perfect science.

INSANITY Day 20: Plyo Cardio Circuit

Day 20: Plyo Cardio Circuit

Ah, the end of the week. Needed it because I was done with insanity. D.O.N.E. Come back to me Sunday. :D

The suicides make my back hurt. :/ I'm 19, it's not exactly nice to feel all these aches and pains (like my knees that sound like potato chips). Along with stretchmarks and skin, these will probably always be my reminders for what I've done to myself. *sigh* At least I started now, right?

I made dinner two days in a row all by myself. :D Tonight was steak~ I'm a beef freak, so I was happy. Next week, I'm moving into my own apartment. :0 So I'll be cooking by myself forever more. Won't that be exciting?

Day 20/ 40 days to go

INSANITY Day 19. Cardio Power & Resistance

Day 19: Cardio Power & Reisitance

I think I figured out why I'm kind of "ugh" about Insanity! I started it because I didn't want to go to the gym, but after a week and a half, I had to go for at least 30 minutes to get the weight a shiftin'. So a part of me is like, "Um...this is insane...but I'm not really losing without regular old running." And also...I'm not seeing any changes. ._. This is getting to the end of week three, almost to week four...How can I post a before and after if I don't have an after, ya know? No lost inches, just lost the two pounds...Maybe it's because my body's still covered in a nice layer of fat that I can't see anything?

Oh well, just gotta see it through to the end.

The iced tea was alright. Might try a different flavor. I'll keep trying. :)

Also, I missed my little bench mark. D: I was "following" a woman to lost 175 pounds in 16 months, can you believe it? I was on track for awhile, but with plateaus here and there, I'm...I'm at month 17! Only 137, how unfair! Maybe I'll finish before next April? Fingers crossed I don't leave Japan with weight to lose!

Day 19/41 to go

INSANITY Day 18: Cardio Recovery

Day 18: Cardio Recovery

A nice, slow day. The running was easier because the day was relaxed and slow. Felt like it took a long time. Not excited about tomorrow because I'm just feeling lazy.

Oh well.

I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with Sobe Life water zero. Says there's no artificial sweeteners...I don't believe them. I'll have to keep searching. I'm making my first batch of iced tea tonight. Wish me luck.

Day 18/42 Days to go

INSANITY Day 17: Pure Cardio & Cardio ABS

Day 17: Pure Cardio & Cardio ABS

I hate this day the most because it had two sections. :( No fair, I say, no fair! When I was done, I was truly starving, but the pantry is pretty empty. I had a frozen dinner and just dealt with it.

I started my no soda policy and now I'm watching soda commercials like they're porn. :/ I need to find a good replacement, stat.

Day 17/ 43 Days to go

INSANITY Day 16: Cardio Circuit

Day 16: Cardio Circuit

Well, the second day of week three and the "newness" of INSANITY has certainly worn off. I woke up this morning and had as close to a temper tantrum I can have at 19, because I just didn't want to do it. For the first rotation of the work out, I was just going through the motions, because my body didn't want to move and neither did I. :(

I got through it though, all 40 or so minutes, and I'll get up and do it tomorrow, and the next day...and the next day...Till I get to the end. I probably will never do this again afterwards. I'm not sure why, but the power to "dig deeper" left me in woosh. Maybe it'll come back in the next few days? Maybe it's not INSANITY? I'm not exactly "thrilled" to get up and go to the gym either.

I wish I could find some activity that doesn't make me want to pull my teeth out after a few weeks. That's my wish...I just gotta find out what that is.

Day 16/ 44 Days to go

INSANITY Day 15: Fit Test

Day 15: Fit Test

Back to the old fit test. I tried to push myself to at least go above whatever I had.

The first and most resent results:

Switch Kicks: 80 / 90

Power Jacks: 30 / 39

Power Knees: 70 / 87

Power Jumps: 17 / 27

Globe Jumps: 6 / 9

Suicide Jumps: 7 / 10

Push-Up Jacks: 16 / 25

Low Plank Oblique: 29 / 39

I think that's a pretty good improvement, don't you? Now I'm going to sit and try to get the energy to go to the gym. Gotta lose that weight!

I'm also starting my no soda policy. I usually drink 2-3 diet sodas a days (one with lunch, one with dinner, and maybe one with a salty snack), but I've been reading all these comments about aspartame that I either said I was going to drink the real stuff, or nothing at all, and since I don't like drinking my calories, it seems water and sweetened teas (with maybe stevia) is what I'll be drinking.

I do like flavored beverages every once in awhile, so if anyone has any recipes to slightly sweeten water, let me know!

Day 15 / 45 days to go

Finally lost!

Down 2 pounds!

Finally! When I saw 212 on the scale, I was like, "Thank god." However, that does mean that I'll have to continue running in the gym, but at least it's only 30 minutes. :x I have two more weeks with my mom, so I'd like to leave 209 or below, the 140 mark. I'd like to be under 200 by the end of August, but we can only hope.

Also, yay for a rest day!

INSANITY Day 13: Pure Cardio & Cardio ABS

Day 12: Pure Cardio & Cardio abs

Ugh, today was a double. I'm not going to lie, I really don't feel like I pushed myself hard enough. Yeah, there was sweat, but more times I was just worn out. I wonder if this is how everyone feels at the end of the week. Plus, my right knee sounded like broken potato chips. It was unsettling.

Cardio abs isn't bad, but it hurts me. The "c position" they have you in hurts my tailbone. I'll probably have to sit on a pillow or something to do it right. It's better than crunches though.

Here's to week three!

Day 13/ 47 to go

P.S. How are you liking the new look? Does it look more college like? :)

INSANITY Day 12: Cardio Power & Resistance

Day 12: Cardio Power & Resistance

Almost forgot to post. :x

Today was hard, not gonna lie. During the warm up, I was like, "Ugh, I wanna take a nap...get some lunch...So tired." But I got through it, ending all damp and sweaty. Tomorrow will be the end of week two.

And it's a double tomorrow. Pure Cardio and Cardio abs. FYI: Not a fan of ab work. Poo.

I got in my extra 30 minutes on the treadmill. Makes my thighs hurt, but it's only 30 minutes.

Day 12/48 to go

INSANITY Day 11: Cardio Recovery

Day 11: Cardio Recovery

Man, I had a mental break down this morning, crying and what not, and I really, REALLY didn't feel like doing it, but this afternoon I got up off my butt and went to work.

I think I'm going to add 30 minutes of cardio to my Insanity work out. I'm not sure how I'll get through it, since the main days are more than a little bit tiring. But it has to be done or I just won't lost this weight.

Gotta do what I gotta do I suppose.

Day 11/49 to go

INSANITY Day 10: Cardio Circuit

Day 10: Cardio Circuit

Damn, almost forget to post.

I'm still trying to push myself harder, but it's hard. Sometimes it's like, "ugh, I can't tell if I'm tired tired, or just lazy tired." I have started to wait about an hour or so after I've woken up before I start the work out so I'm not all drowsy so I can try and push myself more.

I got sweat in my eyes and it burns. :/

I'm happy for cardio recovery. I need a break.

Day 10/50 days to go

Mental Hurdle: Clothes

Warning: This is long. :0

When most people lose weight, new clothes are a right of passage, right? A shopping trip into the "normal" section of clothes, having a single digit pants size (I don't think that's happening with someone of my height and build, but I digress). For some reason, this...bothered me.

For years and years I have bought men's clothes. Usually I'd shop in the plus size men's section at Forman Mills. I had my reasons. For one, I didn't have to worry about jeans "hugging" my form (I'm still a fan of man jeans though...I think they're "boyfriend" jeans now? Why can't they just be "not up your ass" jeans?) I was under the impression that if I covered it up, it didn't exist, simple as that. Also, I could always find something that fit me. Shirts were big and baggy (cause it's hip, yo), so I didn't have to ever encounter something that would expose me and my hidden fat (cause it was hiding so well). Even when I wasn't in stores, online I would head straight for the men's section.

I'm a junior in college now and I've been dressing like that since middle school.

No one ever said anything (though one of my friends did ask why I wore jerseys all the time. Lol), no one made a comment, good or bad, about my clothes. I couldn't tell you how many sizes I've gone down because when I bought jeans and tops I always bought bigger than I actually was. Always.

But it's changing and it's scary.

I've successfully stolen my aunt's jeans (she's in her forties and tried to wear junior's pants, needless to say it didn't work out) and they are, well, form fitting. It took me a long time to not hate how they felt. I felt really...exposed. I felt like everything was just out in the open and going out in them actually made me panic. I felt like everyone was looking at me like, "Wtf, why would she squeeze herself into that?," disregarding the fact that I actually wear a belt with them (hips... ._. ). I recently started wanting some more...form fitting shirts. I did get them (in the "normal" section) and they fit fine, but it was kind of jarring. I feel like I'm truly betraying myself. Like all this new attention on clothes was turning me into a different person. I found something online that articulated it a little better for me and it kind of...woke me up:

"In high-school I saw the people who put effort into their looks as being shallow, brainwashed consumers. It's easy to get sucked into the ideal that worrying about how you look on the outside is a superficial waste of time, and that what's on the inside is more important. It definitely makes you feel better about yourself. Realistically though, what's so bad about wanting to look your best? I appreciate it when other people take the time to look nice for me. " (http://www.succeedsocially.com/lookbetter)

I thought like that for a very long time. To me, taking care of my appearance would make me shallow and a "sheep." Could other people dress nicely? Sure. I wouldn't think twice about someone else looking nice (except high heels to biology...come on people), but the thought of me doing it would mean that I had morphed into some monstrous shallow she-bitch. That all the time of spouting weight loss for health would be tossed away for wanting to "look good." It scares me that I care what's "flattering" or "cute." I'm scared that I'm *gasp* looking at women's clothes and thinking, "...that might be nice on me." It's freaking me out.

You know I'm actually nervous to go back to school because I'm afraid of the response? I'm afraid of what my friends will think of me. I'm nervous of what my classmates will think, the nurse, the nutritionist. Will they think I've become shallow? Will they giggle behind my back? What will people think when they look at me? Will I still be "Gabby" if I wear a cardigan?

This might sound foolish to you, but it's something that is truly freaking me out. I don't have a choice since my mom went nuts and tossed most of my too big clothes and sometimes I do look, dare I say, nice. But that just...scares me.

What will my family say? Will they pat themselves on the back and go, "See? I knew there was a lady under there all this time. Just took some time. She'll be presentable just like everyone else."

Why do I even care so much about what they think?

"When you've taken your share of crap from people for not putting effort into your appearance, even if they're right, the last thing you want to do is listen to what they say. That would feel like letting them 'win'. That would mean conceding that those assholes were right and you were wrong. You can also feel like since the jerks who gave you a hard time care about how they look, then if you start paying attention to your looks, then you're selling out to become like the enemy."

Man, even though he's giving advice to dudes, I was like he was talking right to me. I don't like "losing." I feel like when my grandmother and aunt see me, they'll go, "VICTORY," and I feel like my mom is doing that as we speak. <.<>

I have a post somewhere that says something along the lines of, "Will my style change, probably not," and looking back at it, I can't help but think how wrong I was. It didn't happen over night. One day I just looked at myself and thought that the baggy clothes weren't doing what they used to do. I wanted to look "better," not worse and after a few months I wanted to look "better" enough that I started to change.

I don't know if I'll ever be prancing around in heels, but I don't think I'll shop in the men's section again, at least, not for a long time. I just need to get over my equation that looking nice equals being shallow and superficial.

It's going to be hard.

INSANITY Day 9: Pure Cardio

Day 9: Pure Cardio

I am trying really hard to push myself. I don't want to see 214 anymore on that scale. I have three weeks before I go home, and maybe four, five weeks in total before I return to campus. I want to be as close to 200 as possible. Then it's only...What, four months until Japan? I changed my goal to the 180's since there's no way I can lose 40 pounds in four months (10 pounds a month...pfft, I wish). I will not waste my time. I'm not going to Japan as that "fat" or "big" girl. Tall. Yes. Black. Yes. But I'm not going to spend a semester in a country just to be fat somewhere else.

I refuse.

I will be sweating and digging deeper, dammit!

Day 9/51 to go

INSANITY Day 8: Cardio Power & Resistance

Day 8: Cardio Power & Resistance

Man, Sundays are going to be hard. I do this one early in the morning (Like...3 AM, 4 AM) because I can't work out if I feel like my mom is going to wander out and see it. <<

I found out I'm going to miss some days in week four. :( I'll probably move them in to the next week (my rest week. :/ So unfair). I'll be moving into my own place. Won't that be fun? I'm going to try and be all healthy and junk with my food. :)

I'm also going to try and quit soda...But that won't be till the end of the summer. Lol.

Well, let's keep going with INSANITY. I'm going to push myself harder and try and lose some pounds!

Day 8/52 to go

Back to normal.

Well, I was 221 last week, and I'm back to 214. I'm thinking that a pound or something from last week was, well, an actual gain. Either way, I'm back. I was upset, because I'm like, "Ugh, I've wasted, like two weeks." I'm still going to go with INSANITY. Hopefully I'll lose some weight...fingers crossed.

Is anyone else kind of...antsy when they over eat now-a-days? I mean, today I knew I was going to have a high-calorie dinner, but now I'm kind of...upset about it. Depressed and such. I know it's just one day and that I'll forget about it soon and that it probably won't have any effect...but it's...<< 1400 calories (probably more). I haven't eaten today, but...it's hard to waste that much.

Oh well, that's what Saturday is for I suppose.

INSANITY Day 6. Plyo Cardio Circuit

Day 6: Plyo Cardio Circuit

Ta~Da~
The end of week one of Insanity~

Today was hard, just throwing that out there. I was tired for some reason (before the work out) and it made the work out extra hard. I was annoyed and huffy because the work out was, duh, still hard. You might find me weak, but near the end, I just wanted to lay down and cry cause I truly felt defeated. I was just thinking, "I'm still tired, I feel worse, ugh, I wanna take a nap."

BUT THAT'S NOW DIGGING DEEPER!

So tomorrow and rest and get myself together for week two. Fingers crossed for a good weigh in. <3

Day 6/54 to go.

INSANITY Day 5: Pure Cardio

Day 5: Pure Cardio

Man, it's only 38 minutes, but it is tough. I was dizzy once again. Swaying and what not. It was ridiculous.

The first ten minutes or so is warm up, and then some stretching. I think there's about 20 minutes of the actual work out. During the stretches, he's says things like, "You guys scared about what's coming? I'm scared." Now, I understand it's all part of the gimmick, but I'm not really comforted by the person who made the work out being afraid of the work out. Just saying.

Pure cardio is just what it says, pure cardio. No breaks until the end. I was tired. And guess what? The people in the video were tired, even some chick named "Tammy" who is usually bouncing around with the best of them. Almost everyone got sent off the floor at least once to get some water and to just take a break.

And I was right there with them.

When I first heard of insanity, I foolishly thought it was something to "beef up" my workout. That I'd do it, and then have to do some running on the treadmill or something like that...I can't even get myself up into the kitchen or sit on the toilet, there's no way in hell I'm going to the gym, not this week anyway.

Oh, when calculating my whole work out, for some reason, I forgot the month of August. I thought I was going to finish up in October for some reason. If all goes to plan, I should finish in September. :D (Late September, but September none the less).

I'm going to a convention in October, so I'm happy.

Day 5/55 Days to go

INSANITY Day 4: Cardio Recovery

Day 4: Cardio Recovery

Ah, I woke up, all excited, thinking this would be so super easy. Just a bit of stretching, frolicking and such. Well, I waddled over to my clothes (a strange part of my upper calf was sore, which made it awkward to walk) and got ready for my recovery~

Man, this was bull.

Now, I wasn't pouring buckets of sweat, but half way through the stretches, but legs would start the shake. I had to stop a few times because my legs were just burning. Even on the recovery day, there was a bit of jumping, so there's no escaping. :)

I am scared of the pure cardio. Keep me in your thoughts?

Mini Rant:

Ugh, why does my mom keep bringing this crap in the house!?
This weekend, she was all upset because I gained and said she would help be get back, and lower, and that she was sorry, blah, blah, blah, so yesterday, a Tuesday, she brings home a bag of fried chicken.

Seriously, wtf mom. <.<

Day 4/56 to go

INSANITY Day 3. Cardio Power & Resistance

Day 3: Cardio Power & Resistance

Well, this morning, again, I was sore and very stiff. I waddled out of bed to get ready, more than a little reluctant. I still had the "I'm too sore to do this" thoughts running through my head, but I got up and did it anyway. Yay me.

Well, the warm up had me winded. I can't wait till it actually feels like a warm up. By the end of the stretch, I didn't feel the soreness, just that I was tired...and scared. :)

This was very hard for me. One of the main reasons was shoulder and tricep work. I have a terrible, terrible upper body. The only thing that is "okay" are my biceps, everything else fits the stereotype of delicate ladies at the gym. No power what soever. And I also CAN NOT do push ups. I certainly did try my best though, but it's just something I can't do (yet). Ugh, horrible memories from gym class...

Anyway.

By the end of this, I wasn't too sore, but I was extremely tired, even a little dizzy. This one was just tough for me, but I got through it. INSANITY will certainly push your limits. I was thinking that I can't wait till it gets easier, but I don't think it will, or that I'll allow it to. I'll just have to push harder and harder.

Yay sweat stains.

Day 3/57 to go

INSANITY Day 2: Plyo Cardio Circuit

Day 2: Plyo Cardio Circuit

Well, first off, when I woke up it felt like someone was punching my legs all night. They hurt, as did my sides. I actually stayed in bed for a little longer because I wasn't sure I could get through the warm up, let alone whatever else he had to do.

If this happens to you, I recommend just doing it. Once I got started, I didn't notice the soreness as much and it was only really apparent during the stretches.

Now for the work out:

This man is insane. I'm insane. Whoever has this, has lost their mind. He really did "flip" the intervals. I was always waiting, pleading for a break, and he'd just keep going. When the breaks happened, the only thing I was focused on was water so it wasn't like I got a chance to really breathe. I haven't felt this out of shape since I first started going to the gym (and that was 135 pounds ago. D: )!

He's a great motivator though. If you don't look right at the screen, all that "push, push" really moves you forward. I know my neighbors must think I'm crazy. By the end of it, I was pretty much chanting, "I will get through this, I will get through this." I'm no where near perfect, and there was some times where I would just stand still and breathe, but "digging deeper" really helps you feel like you've done something at the end of this.

My favorite move is the "123-123." Feels fun. I hate everything else pretty much. Something about it just makes you want to keep going. Even though I'm tired, sweaty, and starving, I am pumped to do it again. Also, the idea that your body will transform really makes me a try to stick to form.

Also, seeing people passed out and taking breaks as well doesn't make you feel too bad for doing it yourself. :)

This really was a way to dive into the experience. If you don't like this, I would assume you wouldn't like anything else. It totally destroyed my normal hour on the treadmill. Again, be careful of the knees. I was getting slight twinges in my knee, as well as my ankle. Watch the proper form and take it easy when needed.

Day 2/ 58 to go

INSANITY Day 1: Fit Test

Alright, before I start, a few precautions.

If you have bad knees or knee problems, seriously think before buying this! There is a lot of jumping and kicking and just general knee activity. You have been warned!

Now to the fun stuff. :D

Day 1: Fit Test

Well, the warm-up alone kicked my bum. It was hard. The whole fit test was hard. There were a lot of times where I yelled out, "What the hell!?" However, I kept going...kinda. I just hope to get better! So, here are the starting stats.

Switch Kicks: 80 - I have a feeling that these were in terrible, terrible form. If I could do 20 in perfect form, that would be an improvement for me.

Power Jacks: 30

Power Knees: 70

Power Jumps: 17

Globe Jumps: 6

Suicide Jumps: 7

Push-Up Jacks: 16

Low Plank Oblique: 29

Obviously, some are better than others. A little window to how hard it was for me: By the last stretch, my legs almost gave out.

Starting pictures:

Starting Measurements:

Bust: 38/39

Waist: 32.5

Hips: 41.5

Right & Left Thigh: 24

Well, let's get this party started! Wish me luck.

Day 1/ 59 to go

...Well, gotta keep it moving.

The scale read 221 this morning. I was floored.

I knew I was not on my best behavior this week, but goddamn, seven..SEVEN POUNDS!?

I took a deep breath and tried to talk myself off of the cliff.

1. I ate this week. 'nuff said.

2. The food I ate had high sodium content. I am holding water.

3. I am on my period. More extra weight.

4. It will go back to normal.

I said that over and over so I'm finally calmed down enough. I'll work this week and that's that.

In other news...

That's right, I'm doing INSANITY. All sixty days. I'll be starting on a Sunday (I want Saturday as my break), so tomorrow is D-day (or...I-day?). I will try to post all 60 days to explain how it is, and such. I'll even do pictures at the beginning, half way, and at the end. (With my clothes on. Lol. )

Wish me luck. I'll post after Day 1: The fitness test.

Disappinted...

Well, I recently bought a little outfit to go to a convention to. It had a 32 inch waste. I measured myself, between 31-33 depending on if I ate alot. Skirt fit fine. Then came the top.

This top didn't even come close to buttoning.

I feel down. Every now and then something just comes and hits me like, "Wow, I'm still really big. 135 pounds down, and I still have so much to go." I get all excited and kind of start to see it, and then it just, poof, vanishes, gone.

Wake up, fatty, dream's over. You're still fat, now keep it moving.

Sucks.

Road Trip :D

Going to San Diego~ Just for two days. Still, it's gonna be nice.

Lost two pounds. Still have 51.8 to go, but at least it's moving down, down, down.

Happy weekend.

Ah...So that's a binge...

Please, please, PLEASE, don't undereat. I know that, when trying to lose weight, it's thought that the lower the better, but please don't. I was experimenting with lowering my calorie intake. I think my daily BMR is around 2800, so -1000 is 1800. I've been eating between 1300-1500.

It'll just lead to a binge.

There are emotional binges of course, but some just come from your body being so damn hungry it says, "screw this, we're eating something, now." It's hard to fight against.

At first I had a chicken cutlet (with honey mustard cause it's awesome)...then a cookie...and then ice cream that I ate with a knife (no clean dishes). Washed it all down with coke zero. This put me in the 2000 calorie area, above my normal calorie limit.

Just don't do it.

And if you do binge, don't try and torture yourself the next day. Don't work out extra hard, don't eat really little, because there's no need to punish yourself. Things just happen. Stress, stupid "experiments..."

Just don't do it. Please don't make this journey any hard it than it is.

P.S. This binge gave me the toots.

Sugar Doll & Breyers

MissHaneefa @ BlackGirlGetsFit gave me a Sugar Doll award. :D She's been doing awesome with her weight loss. Thank you Miss Haneefa!

The rules are:

•Thank the recipient

•Link back to the giver

•Reveal 10 things about me

Here we go:

1. I have more stuffed animals then I know what to do with.

2. I'm terrified of needles. Like, freak out, total panic attack, barely get through it kind of fear.

3. Running makes me have gas. ( - . - ) So stand back.

4. I've made dating rules with myself. When I was younger I said I wouldn't date till college, now I don't plan on starting to date till after college, a few months into a job.

5. I am a major grade freak. I will stalk my teachers online until I get my grades.

6. I have an angry face. Don't know why, just do.

7. Though I don't wear earrings often, 90% of them are animals. I have lizards and turtles and pandas to name a few. :)

8. My dream is to adopt the old, large cats that aren't "cute" anymore when I get older. :) One of them will be named "Mr. Bumble."

9. I suck at typography and color theory.

10. My pinkies can not fully straighten. :) Also, all of my fingers are slightly crocked.

I tag anyone who reads this. :D

P.S. I found a great, great, great dessert!

Bryers "Smooth & Dreamy" Ice cream sandwiches. :D

They're so good! I usually don't like ice cream sandwiches because the soft "bread" makes me sick to my stomach, but having hard "cookies" was a pleasant treat! And I love cookie dough. They also have a caramel chip, chocolate dipped one that is awesome (it's an ice cream bar, not a sandwich). I highly recommend! I don't like their brownie one though, but my mom does, so to each their own.

This gets an A from me. :)

Damn. Exactly the same.

216, again. Ugh, I always hate when this happens because I feel like a wasted a week, but what else could I have done? I worked out for an hour, ate my calorie limit, not much else I could of done. I'm hoping that it's just leveling out. (244 to 218 to 220 to 216, week two at 216).

I'm running out of time. D: I have a little less than two months to lose 16 pounds for my summer goal. ;.;
I have to keep it moving. Go on, weight, get outta here!

"Stickk" with it!

I wanted to share a little site with you called "Stickk.com." It's tag line is "put a contract on yourself." And that's exactly what you do. You pick a type of goal (mine was weight loss. :P) and set up a contract on yourself. A time frame, goal weight, you can even put money on yourself. It can go to an anti-charity, friend, foe, etc. It's a cute little motivator.

I made one to get to 200 pounds by August 25 (school starts somewhere in this area, but I am honestly not 100% sure). I can't put money against myself because I don't have a credit card, but you don't need it. You can even make friends your referee and have supporters. It's cute.

For weight loss, it tell you your targeted weight loss per week and where you are and, as you continue, tells your pace and what you're on pace to weigh. I actually enjoy posting on it.

I just wanted to share a little motivator. Maybe it'll help give you that extra push.

Photo Update

Well, time for the image update. I'm trying to keep up with this to have something impressive for the end of it all. :)

Anyway, Recap:

The beginning:

Last Update:

New Pictures (My mom's mirror is so gross. XD ) :

Picture 1

Picture 2

That's all for now image wise.

Question:

When people ask you or talk to you about weight loss, but you know they don't want to do anything, does it make you feel awkward?

Example 1: My grandmother is always talking about weight loss. She's going to start with yogurt or shakes, or something like that (nothing anyone can do more than a diet period). I always feel awkward because I'm younger than her ( so that equals me not knowing diddly) and I know she's going to "fail." She's had the lap band, and that didn't help, so it's like, "Now you're going to starve yourself with yogurt? :/ "

Example 2: My mom (also a lap band patient) often says, "I need to lose weight." She knows what she needs to do. She needs some sort of exercise (nothing like I do, just something). She actually doesn't eat very much (from what I've seen) she just doesn't move. She's obese, but she's like, "If I just lost 20 pounds...or 30, I'd be happy, I would." But I feel like if I tell her what she needs to do, she'll either blow it off or think I'm being an ass about it.

So, do you ever feel awkward talking about weight loss with people who, at the end of the day, really aren't interested? How do you get around it? Do you just avoid it?