Dear God,

Or whoever is up there, please let me lose weight this week. Please. Please? I want to lose weight. I want to lose .5 lbs. At least. Please? I hope that's not too much to ask. I've been doing my calories corrently. I really have. I'm a good girl! So, just let me see 147 again so I know there's some hope.

If not I will just keep moving on, this is not impossible, just INCREDIBLY annoying. I must keep up hope, motivation, and continue on.

Love,

Anna

Pictures So Far

Okay~ I'm editing these during class before the teacher comes in~
Freshmen Anna brought up taking pictures. I've taken a few, of my face and side gut. Maybe it's progress? I'm not sure. Anyway, you can see if I'm any less fat.

These first pictures were a few weeks in. Maybe...first month or two? It couldn't of been more than 20 pounds. I just remember being very bummed that I wasn't seeing it...But now I'm sure it's been coming from around my organs.
Couple Weeks In:
(Bad hair cut + bad attitude = Bad Picture)


I am so...fat.


These next two were near the end of freshmen year, so this was...maybe month 3-4? I was near 35+ pounds lost...something like that. I felt like I had done something at that time, but even comparing the pictures, it's a very, very, very small difference. I'm glad I didn't spend too much time on it though. I would of gotten sad again.
End Of Freshmen Year:

My face is so pudgy and round! Fatty fat fat face. :0 And look and my tiny old glasses~


Still Quite Fat


Now (I wish is were more dramatic, but I do have a lot to go, so...wait for it.) -78 pounds (about):

I am doing the fat girl pose. The "I'm going to curl myself up as small as possible so no one will notice my fat" pose...but, hey, it's a picture. And I'm also eating lunch and trying not to cover myself in food. <3

I felt I was smaller than this. Lol, guess not. And, without my tiny bras, my boobs are sad. :(



Well, this is all I have for now. I'll try to take one monthly instead of "oh, I wonder what I look like" - ly.

Side Note: I saw my old boss while waiting for food, and, after some small chat, she said I had lost a lot of weight. :D I just said "...yeah. :)" But I was thinking, "-78!" She did see me when I was -38, so I don't know how much another 30 is going to be to her, but I felt good. <3

Love & Peace

Gabby

Oh No...

I always told myself that it wouldn't happen. That I would distance myself from it, keeping the relationship strictly business. I just wouldn't get my feelings involved.

But now...I like exercising! I...I don't know how it happened, when it happened, why it happened, but I just get giddy at the thought of it! I got to go to my school's gym today and I just rocked it! I was running and feeling great! I was doing bicep curls with 55 pounds and I felt awesome! I could do abdominal curls with the best of them! And my legs are a force to be reckoned with!

I sweated through my shirt and felt gross for almost two hours afterwards, but I still felt just great and I was excited to get back to it! I'm actually a little disappointed that I won't get to do it every day! Only three times a week...I want to work out everyday!

Love & Peace

Gabby

...But I Didn't Do Anything Wrong!

Well, today was my first day of school. At the moment, my head is killing me, my stomach hurts, and I already feel overwhelmed and tired. But that's not what this blog is about, so let's get to the good stuff~

My animation class ended early so I took that time to go to the health center and say hi, get weighed in, see how they were doing, update my form...mostly just to get my weight. So, I fill out my health form, wait patiently for my named to be called, until I get called back in.

The lady, of course, is super nice. She just says "wow" over and over as she looks over the previous data to compare it. Being under 300 is pretty nice if I do say so myself. When asked about the last time I weighed in, I proudly say, "Last time I weighed, I was around 271. I'm really hoping for the 260's : sparkle sparkle : " She says, "Well, let's get you weighed~!"

That son of a bitch scale said 275. I was quite content with 271 and going lower! Not gaining! Now, I was frustrated, but I didn't get too upset because I was being praised for my work ethic and the weight loss as a whole (I mean, seriously, how could I bitch during that?). She even said my blood pressure was better. I just had to smile and take it like a girl!

When I left, I promptly tried to get in contact with Freshmen Anna and my grandmother, screaming, "I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG! I WALKED! AND I WALKED! AND I COUNTED! AND I COUNTED! AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET! WHY?!" I actually started to tug at my still chunky arms going, "Where is it? Where is it hiding on my body! You can't come back here! Why are you back!"

I'm a drama queen. <.<>.<
I'm rushing against the clock! No time for plateaus~

Love & Peace

Gabby

The Gym

It's really annoying to me, for some reason, when the machine that I am about to go on next is in use. I have my workout planned in my mind. When I go over to use that machine and it is already being used, what else can I do other than change my plan (Nooooo!) or walk around like an idiot. Normally, it's the former, but it's still quite frustrating to me.

This week is busy. Getting ready for college. I'm getting a little nervous about fitting in my lifestyle change to this new environment. I don't really have any other choice, so I must do it! Anyway, I really hope the scale reads something nice for me on Wednesday... if not, oh well. I'm happy here, I'm gonna keep on moving forward. As long as it's not going up, that's all that matters to me--if I keep at it, it will go down regardless. I can't gain weight on 1200-1500 calories, that's for damn sure.

Love,

Anna

Well, I Have No Idea Anymore

So, I've been walking, sweating, all that jazz. Counting my calories, doing the whole lifestyle thing. So, this morning, almost having a panic attack, I go to step on the scale and now I just really, really, really hate it.

I got 269. Hooray, right? Not so much. I step on it again, just to make sure (I always do this) and I get 271...Like, a few times, sometimes even 272, then 270... I hate this scale! If you shift even a bit, BOOM, it's changes to something as radical as the 250's or close to the 280's. At my most stable, it teetered between 271 & 270. God, I wish I was one of those people who could take the lowest weight (right or wrong) and be happy.

I miss my old scale! I can't read this thing! I can't understand it even a little! I can't wait to go back to school just so I have a reliable scale! I'm not weighing myself outside of school anymore because it's just too unreliable and down right nerve racking! Hopefully it will be 269 when I get to the school, or I'm gonna be really peeved. And if its above 271!? Ugh, I seriously might just cry. I just want to know if I'm any less fat! Is that too much to ask!?

It is so ridiculous and frustrating to not know how you're doing! It's like walking around in the dark! Am I eating enough? Too little? Is my exercise working out? Who knows? Your scale sucks! I HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!

If anything, it's less than last week's freak show of a weigh in, so...I guess I went up and then back down? If this is the beginning of a plateau, heads are gonna roll. <.<

Love & (Not So Much) Peace,

Gabby

149, Again

BLAH I just wanna get back down to 147, is this too much to ask, body!? Stop playing with my emotions! I don't want to be in the high 140's anymoreee. Ok, at least it's still the 140's. I just feel like I'm teetering on the edge. GRR!

Love,

Anna

Wonky Scale & Period Pains, But Not Shaken

Well, I got on my grandmother's scale, just as nervous as before and I saw something very outrageous. Previous weight, 271. So, let's see what's happened this week. Have I managed to land with both feet on the ground?

Let's find out...

275. I pee. 276. I move it to flatter ground. 275/278, depending on how balanced I am. I was, at first, shocked and pretty weirded out. But I actually calmed myself into a good mood.

No one gains that much weight in that little time. Even with me going back home, I only missed one day of exercise and with my elliptical, I was working out, enough to actually feel sore. I haven't over eaten, actually, I've under eaten due to jet lag, and I'm on my period. I just can't sit and say to myself "I've gained five pounds." I can't get upset. I just don't think it's true. I really just dn't think I've done anything wrong, at least, wrong enough to make that outrageous of a gain.

Maybe I'm being naive? Silly? Some weird nighttime feast my guilt won't take into consideration? I just don't think so. I'm actually proud of myself for not freaking myself out all day. This isn't going to shake me. I'll keep counting and walking and doing what I need to do to break the 80's (269 or below).

I'm not upset. I'll just keep moving. It's just...a part of dieting. I'm going to be just fine. :)

Love & Peace

Gabby

Gaining

When you're on a weight-loss journey, the reality of gaining every once in a while is hard to face. I don't really like it. While I knew that the two pound addition to my frame would be a simple reality, not something I could avoid after gorging on food like cheesesteaks and ice cream--sometimes I lie in my bed afterwards and lamet that I wasn't given a good metabolism so that I could eat whatever I wanted like those thin people.

But there is a silver lining to this cloud. I've learned that perhaps even on vacation, I would like to make at least more thoughtful choices. I have the ability--I could have a choice of anything on the menu. I didn't need to eat that ice cream. But why didn't I make the choice? I'm not sure. Being able to enjoy food makes me happy. However, I enjoy food now, even when following my proper choices. Why do I get satisfaction out of eating a cheesesteak when eating a good chicken sandwich would bring me just as much?

Perhaps it's because it's "bad." If something is "bad," I feel like I'm cheating. It's like a naughty satisfaction. Like somehow, I am living and enjoying life more when I pick that Blizzard over a small gelato. I'm trying to know better, though. I need to keep my head about me at all times, because this is a LIFESTYLE change. Making conscious healthy choices for my body is something I should try and do all the time.

On top of that, if I had a metabolism like those skinny people, who don't need to worry about what they eat, then I wouldn't be learning how to eat properly. It'd be a lesson I'd learn much later, perhaps when I'm an overweight mother, which is something I don't want to face. I want to be healthy forever. I want my body to be strong forever. Learning how to eat now is something that is invaluable, not only for my body but for the fact that I get to practice it for a long time.

I'm not going to freak out. I did the right thing by getting on the scale, and the right thing again by measuring out my cereal before I ate it. I'll have a lean cuisine or oatmeal for lunch. I'm going to be fine. I can do this. I'm a third of the way there, and only 5 more pounds until I'm halfway there. 5 more after that and I'm two-thirds done. I can do this.

Speaking of which, I need to go to the gym today. Ugh. Arms. Ok, at least it's my favorite muscle group.

Love,

Anna

My Heart Was Pounding So Hard

I had never been so nervous at a weigh - in! I actually felt like I was going to faint before I got the scale from the bathroom to the kitchen. My heart wasn't just pounding, it was jumping from the bottom of my stomach to the top of my throat. It was what? 4? 5 AM? I had to do this now, or else get no more sleep.

I strip and step on the scale. Even my feet are sweaty! I almost fall off! And then it flashes...
271.

I was speechless and didn't even believe it. I got off, and got on again. Same number. Still 271. I was ecstatic.

I beat my aunt. By more than three pounds! This week in total was a five pound drop, more than I was hoping for. I did it and I'm okay and I'm alive and I feel good, I think my body is okay too and that we're be fine together, even though it's sure to throw this feeling back in my face a couple weeks down the line.

Do I feel silly about my belly aching? Yes, of course, but I won't get rid of those posts. It's a part of my dieting experience. I'm a crazy, paranoid, over reacting person, and this part of my life will always get such emotions from me. If, next week, the same thing happens, buckle up, cause the ride is gonna start all over again.

This Summer:
Mid to late May, I came to my mother's, hoping to lose more weight. About 30 pounds was my rough estimate. I left at -40 pounds (309) and now I am at -78 pounds (271). That's a loss of about 38 pounds, excluding anything I'll lose during these last five days.

I don't care what anyone says, I think that's a success. I've met my summer goal, now...to take on life.

Love & Peace

Gabby.

Calm Down...It's Going To Be Okay...

I've been saying this to myself over and over since the last's week's weigh in. Yes, I know, it wasn't a failure, and it really wasn't, but it was one pound...almost like a warning. "One pound this week, next week, nothing, and after that...BAM, 73 pounds back in the hole." Maybe not that bad, but you know what I mean.

I'm scared. I'm terrified. I know this won't make me quit, but it's shaken me up more than I would of liked. After giving out the advice, I feel foolish seeking it out now. Why am I so scared? What has gone wrong? What could possibly happen?

Well, if there's a gain, it'll be this:
What could happen] Scene 1: I'm scared I'll gain and that I'll be too brain dead to pick myself up off the floor. And I know that if it happens, my mother, who doesn't understand this "diet" but is as sweet as pie, will say, "Well, what did you eat this week? Did you make muffins?" And I, still on the floor will go, "...yes...twice a day...but I was under my calories..." At this moment, that sounds like an excuse. My mother will then say, "Well, for your last few days, we'll work extra hard. No muffins, okay?" And I'll nod, but feel terrible in the inside because I don't want a "diet world," I just want balance. To just tip that scale in my direction, but at the same time, I feel like I'm trying to excuse my gluttony. And after my mother gets me up off the floor, I'll wallow in self misery for the remaining days, running myself on E on the treadmill, and picking up small children to do a couple bicep curls where ever I can.]

What could happen[ Scene 2: I'll gain this weight and, instead of freaking out, I'll take a sigh of relief. I know that the food I was eating was too much, and the food before was too little. I'll be able to figure out my greatest area of success. I'll step off the scale with this knowledge, explain it to my sweet pie of a mother, who will still not understand and still try and "Diet" for me, which will make me smile and make the gain a lot easier to deal with. Hell, I might even get pancakes that night.]

What if I stay the same?

What could happen[ Scene 1: I stare at the scale, shocked, stunned. I'll run into the bathroom and try to force something out, anything, a kidney, my bladder, just something. Then I'll go back and have 276 flashing in my face. I'll put the scale back, go back in my bed, and try to believe it's just a mistake. Then, a little later that morning, I'll wake up again, get the scale, see the numbers, and cry. No if ands or butts about it. I'll cry. Sobbing? No, but a few stray tears will be seen. ]

But...even when going over these scenarios, I'm scared. I don't want those scenarios, but I feel like expecting a 2 pound drop, which I want so badly, is going to lead to disappointment. I'm so scared that I feel like I'll cry if I leave just shot of my goals. I'm working so hard. And I'm doing everything I was told to do and it's a hard pill to swallow that it just doesn't always work out right. I'll continue with my 60 minutes on the treadmill, I'll continue with the weights, I'll continue on the elliptical, but...I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to make it through all the pit falls of dieting. It's just so crushing to me. I feel like a failure, and I really don't want anyone to know that I can control myself or follow a simple diet, that's not even a diet at all.

All my life someone has had the answer for my weight. Doctors, nurses, camps, and none of them worked and I would be blamed for it, for being fat, for staying fat, for wanting to eat the wrong foods, or not enough of the right foods, for just being me. And even if I could see the flaws in their logic, it always came back to me and the waste of money it had beeen. Now it's all on me, and I can't fail again. I just can't do it. I can't blame anyone , just me, and I'm tired of blaming myself.

I'm so scared that it's not going to work and that I've reached my limit when I have so far to go. This...this is turning into the most important weigh in. It could break me and I'm scared of that.

I just want to lose the weight.
I just want proof that I'm working hard.
I just want someone to realize how hard it is, and that I'm really trying.
I want them to know that I haven't done anything wrong
I want them to know that I haven't cheated, or had an off day.
I want them to be proud of me.



I just want it to work out.



Love & Peace,
Gabby

140's

I am in the 140's.

I thought I would never be here again. I have so much strength, control and power that I never realized. I can and WILL do this.

Lift! For The Love Of God, Woman, Lift!

I am tired of hearing people, women and men, say silly, silly things about women lifting weights. "I don't want to get bulky!" "I'll look like a man!" "I don't want to have big muscles!" "I don't want a girl who's bigger than me." "I don't like thick thighs, they're so ugly!" "How can I get rid of these muscles before they get worse!?"

Unless your doctor has declared you the she-man, with testosterone levels that are off the charts, even greater than a man, none of this is going to happen. Ever. People always bring up female body builders. Have you seen them? Do they look normal? Not only do they do specialized work outs to get such results, they usually have a little friend called steroids. No woman just randomly sprouts enormous muscles.

If you start lifting, not only will your metabolism speed up (since a pound of muscle burns more than a pound of fat), you will look leaner, healthier, and be a lot stronger than women who simply run.

Now a days, people want to tone up, right? That six pack, those toned legs, those lean arms. Guess what...you're going to need weight training. Losing weight does not reveal an Adonis like body underneath. It has to be created. If you want to simply be thin, by all means, run. It's perfectly fine. But if you want that "toned body" that you see in the commercials or even at the beach, you're going to need some heavy lifting, and be able to ignore the BS.

So, no women, a year of lifting will not turn you into a monstrous she-hulk, stomping through the mall, your uterus falling on the floor along with anything else remotely feminine about you. You'll be fine, trust me. If not me, Stumptuous.

Love & Peace,

Gabby

Skinny

I don't know why, but today I was almost enchanted with the idea of skinnyness. Maybe it was all the searching about thinsporation I did the other day. And today. The videos of women, with their pencil-thin legs and itty bitty wrists, and inverted stomachs, hip-bones poking out like bayonets of soldiers ready to attack... I don't know. Something about it was quite mesmerizing. And the messages that this was beautiful, that this was perfection had me nearly hypnotized.

I can only thank someone, or something, that I didn't find these when I was at my weakest. Those were days when I might have eaten 700 calories at the most. I have only done this a couple of weeks during my life, but I feel like I would have done it more had I found the proper support by these "ana" communities. What saddens me is that these girls are deeply, deeply ill, and in love with their disease. They love Ana. Who wouldn't? It's a friendly name. It's my name. And Ana will give you happiness if you just obey her commands.

On the same level, I love food. I mean, I really LOVE food. How else did I get to this point, anyway? Not by accident, that's for damn sure. And more recently, I have become much more enchanted with becoming healthy. And doing things the right way. And getting strong. When I do a 30 lb bicep curl, maybe it's not a lot, but man do I feel really strong. Oh, and when I do squats!! I feel really good when I do that too. I want to start running. I wrote down some of my goals last night in a Sigma journal that was given to me by my big sister. I won't post them here, I want to see if I can reach any of them, first. I know I'll keep working at it.

My main question is, though, why IS there so much pressure to be skinny? Why do young women feel that they must be skinny to be beautiful, or even healthy? And why if a woman like Gabrielle Anwar is on television (you can clearly see the vertebrae in her back and her ribs clearly in many shots--I unprofessionally calculated her BMI to be 16.2) there are no qualms, and she's even "real sexy," but all this fuss is made about America Ferrera and how inspiring she is and "good for her," and blahblahblah. I don't know. Both are slightly outside what is the "norm" in Hollywood, but one is slightly more touted than the other. I personally believe Gabrielle Anwar is far more unhealthy than America Ferrera, but whatever.

What I'm trying to say is that I have tried, and am tried, harder than I ever have to love my body. Not just be content and say "Well if I just lost 10 more lbs..." but really, honestly LOVE it. I want to care for it and make it happy, I want to exercise so it becomes even stronger. I don't want to look at myself and say, "Ugh, what big legs I have," I wanna say, "DAMN, what big legs I have!" And for the first time in my life, I'm doing it. I don't stare in the mirror and pick out the stuff I hate. I look at the stuff I like. I've never been so content and carefree about my body before, and I've never felt so much longing for someone who didn't feel that way to feel the same.

I hope I can hold onto this feeling forever.

Love,

Anna

"Failures"

What is a weight "failure?" Usually, it's anything that's a gain, right? Well, not in my world.

Last weekend, I woke up early, my heart all a flutter, eagerly making my way to the bathroom scale with a mixture of dread and excitement growing in my chest. I was going to do it. I was going to be 275. I was going to beat my aunt. Haven't heard about my aunt? Side story time~

My Aunt, The Side Story: My aunt, in short, thinks she's the shit. She feel's she is the prettiest, smartest, thinnest, "hippest," and all around best person in the family. She 40, or 41, I can't remember, wears clothes meant for teenagers, and is obese. Now, this isn't public, but I've always wanted to at least be thinner than her. I'm already smarter ('Cause I'm in college, lolz), but she's still very, very superficial. I need her to know! To see it everytime she looks at me! Last time I heard of her weight, she was 275. I left for my mother's and I started this secret battle. Now back to the main issue.

So, I strip (pleasant image, right?) and step on the scale. Here it comes. Here it comes! 277 will now be 275! I have met my goal with one week to spare! I am all mighty, I am all powerful, I am Go-...What? 276? 276!?

I was, to be blunt, pissed. I ran more than I ever ran that week, trying to get two pounds down. I watched my food like a hawk. No calorie slipped by me, not a one. And this is my reward? One messily pound? What have I done to deserve this? Was I a goat thief in a past life? Is this my punishment?

Well, after a day of ranting and raving and wallowing in my own self pity, I really looked at what had happened. Hey. A pound is a pound. At least it didn't say 278! I did lose. I also took this as a sign to really look at what I was doing food wise, since I could of been eating too little, but we'll find out this weekend.

So, the point of all this?

Weight loss just isn't a perfect science. Your body doesn't care about how long you slaved over a calculator, punching in numbers for calories to figure out the perfect equation. It doesn't care how long you worked out. Hell, it doesn't even care how you use your calories. It's going to react how it's going to react. Most of the time, it's right on board with the plan, but sometimes it backfires. Sometimes you don't lose a thing. Sometimes you gain. But if you get trying, you'll find it to really be worth the fight.

As long as you keep trying, there really is no failure. A one pound week isn't a failure, though it's hard for me to accept this. Even a gain isn't a failure, especially if you're a chick, cause we hold water like no body's business.

I have to learn this lesson. I have to be content with any loss. I'm not going to have 3lb+ weeks all the time, I might never have them again, but I have to keep trying. I can't get discouraged, or it'll beat me again.

I'm going to slay this fat covered dragon.

Love & Peace,

Gabby

Inspiration? Motivation? Idolization? Or...Obsession!?

When dieting, I feel that it's hard to separate these three little devils before it becomes the fourth. I'm going to try to break it down, more to myself than the few floaters around this blog of ours.

Inspiration: Now, leaving out all the art that usually comes in with the word, try and think of your body's inspiration. Who do you want to look similar to in the end? Did you know this had a term? "Thinspiration." YouTube it, you'll see. Now, you see this body, and you like it, and it inspires you to want to do more for your own body. So a little inspiration seems good. But does it motivate you?

Motivation: Okay, you're now inspired. You saw the body and you wanted it. Now you find yourself doing things to achieve it. You've been motivated to take action. To bring yourself to your goal. Since, in this case, it is a body, you're eating right, working out, really going at it, but, even as you grow closer and closer to your goal, the original is doing/done it better. They're almost like your...idol.

Idolization: "Idolization, (verb: to idolize): as an excessive admiration, devotion, envy or attachment to a person or thing." You follow their body regiments to the letter, you admire their strength and their banging body. You devote yourself to getting to that level, maybe even becoming envious. What have you missed? What has gone wrong? You do what they have done, but it's not working. You're not the same. You have to keep looking, but you're not obsessed.

Obsession: Okay. At this point, just stop. Stop. Bodies are different for us all. If you're staring at a photo on the wall amongst photos of the same person, you've become obsessed with that body and image. 9/10, You don't achieve it. It's just not possible. We're not cookie cutter people. Can you create a more healthy you? Of course, but will you be the next greasy ho to be in a transformers movie? I doubt it.

I struggle with these things myself. I even have my own "thinspirtation" (Enter: Behka). She's a short little Korean girl with curves and is seen as a fat ass. I love her, but I don't know anything about her other than what she looks like and how she sounds. But does that motivate me? A little. I mean, going to the gym knowing that that level of hotness could be in my future does help me lace up the shoes on those more difficult mornings. Is she my idol? Nah.

Now, there is a woman on CC(calorie count) that is my idol. Lost 175 pounds in 16 months. She is my idol and motivation. I want that kind of loss and to look that way (healthy, normal, not bony, drained) at the end. Am I obsessed with her? Nope. I rarely even come in contact with her on the site, though I am friends with her. Other than that, we're on two different planets. And that's how I think it should be.

It's hard to not idolize and want a certain person's body without taking it overboard. It takes balance and an understanding of one's self to know when enough is enough.

Do I know? Well, come back to me when I'm starting going under my goal weight. :)

Love & Peace

Gabby

Rats, Cats, Fat Faces, Food

So yesterday, since I had only had about 400 calories all day and was afraid of starvation mode, I went out and got myself a Oreo McFlurry. I got my wisdom teeth out and eating anything not soft and easy was pretty much impossible all day due to the numbness, and etc. Today, I feel less numb, more in pain. Haven't turned to vicodin yet though, I wanna see how long I can go without it.

I'm disappointed because there is a Lean Cuisine pizza in the fridge just for me, yet I can't eat it due to my condition. OH, WOE is me!!

I have to do some exercise today too--I'm thinking that I'll just crank up Brian Kest's Power Yoga DVD I ordered and do that in the comfort of my own home, since, honestly, I don't feel like doing any sort of cardio, or having anyone see my big fat swollen face. Unfortunately, that can't happen until the cleaners leave, which won't be for another... billion hours, probably.

My rats don't run away at the sight of me all the time, now. They spend time outisde their hut, climbing around. They are starting to take food from my hand. The next step is to use yogurt (they can't steal yogurt away) and get them to eat while I pet them so they associate my hand with nice things.

My cat, Lucky, is getting old. He's 10 and looks it. He's had a long life, constantly getting into fights with other animals, getting hit by a car, all while outside... and yet he's just the mellowest guy at home. Just chills out, otherwise. He's so dirty and brown, he needs to clean himself but I guess he's too old and lazy to do it? His fur clumps up. He used to be bright white and fluffy. Sigh. Old cats, I guess.

I really want that pizza... I guess oatmeal will have to do.

Love, Anna

Fat Acceptance Movement

"The fat acceptance movement, also known as the size acceptance movement, fat liberation movement or fat power, is a grassroots effort to change societal attitudes towards individuals who are fat"

I personally think it's a load of crap, but I see the reason behind it. After reading over Wikipedia's little page of info (found here), I see it more as a point to make people feel more comfortable about their current weight, not to abstain from exercise or change. People seem to think that "fat acceptance" is going to lead to a future of morbidly obese people waddling around the earth, not willing or wanting to change because the stigma around their weight is no longer talked about. I don't think that'll ever happen, but I can see the concern. As Americans grow bigger and bigger, more and more people are going to ask for acceptance. Should they have it? Well...

I think that stigma, that awkwardness that comes with being overweight is a nice fire burning under the asses of the morbidly obese, including myself. If the world let me be this weight (minus the health problems) and clothes fit, chairs were big enough, etc., would I want to change? Maybe, but I doubt it. I wouldn't have a reason to. But how big is this movement?

Enter: More To Love. This show is,in a nut shell, about a chubby chaser. People like to show this as fat acceptance leaking to the media. That this'll show the world that it's okay to be fat, that you cane even be loved!

Again, I think that's crap. The fact that they're separated is enough to show that there really isn't any acceptance going on for these real(fat) women. I don't think there will ever be true fat acceptance and, quite frankly, I don't want there to be. I don't want people to be treated poorly, but being over weight is unhealthy and I don't think people should feel that it's okay to put their body through all that.

Fat Acceptance Verdict: Don't make fun of us, but don't coddle us either.

Love & Peace,

Gabby

The Second Freshmen: Anna

I've been at this weight-loss game for a long time--since I was 12, in fact, and it's only come to my attention now that playing games gets me absolutely nowhere. I've been the chubby girl, 20 pounds down, 40 pounds up, 30 pounds down, 30 pounds up again. Now, I'm 8.5 pounds down, leaving me here, at 151 pounds.

So, I only have about 21 lbs to go until my journey is "complete" in terms of weight loss, but I realize that there's another big part that I have to face, a part that is scary and a part that so many people can't bring themselves to embark on: MAINTAINENCE.

The thought of being lost to food forever scares me. Well, not so much lost, but somedays I get frustrated that I can only eat 1300 calories. This past week, I indulged a little too much, and I lost nothing. Didn't gain, true, but lost nothing. That's still a victory, and I'll be patient, but sometimes I think the hardest thing about this "marathon" is imagining my old pants fitting me, thinking about one of my favorites dresses slipping on, or even my smaller underwear getting around my booty--and not being able to do any one of those things.

There are days, like today, where I feel a little hopeless, and a lot scared for what's to come: that is, college. But, I can't make excuses, I can't complain, I can't even whine. That won't make the weight come off any faster or stay off any longer. What will? My constant and honest effort. I'm blogging to see myself evolve, and I hope throughout this blog, I am able to come to terms not only with my childish fears and insecurities, but also love myself more than I do.

SW: 159.5

CW: 151

GW: 130

I can do this thing.

Presenting The First Freshmen: Gabby

Hello all. :) I'm Gabby. I'm six feet tall (no, no basketball), 18 and very, very fat. After years of being fat, and being called more names than one can imagine, you must find it strange that I decided to start now, so late in the teenager game, instead of sooner or simply not at all. Well, I'll tell you what my kick in the ass was. <3

Early March, 2009: While I was watching a weight loss show (that will remain nameless), they showed a man who was going to get surgery. This man had never worked out, ate constantly, and was very, very large. This surgery was to save his life. For three days before the surgery, he had to stay on a liquid diet. Water, broths, the works. However, one night, he recorded his self crying because his family was cooking hamburgers...HAMBURGERS!? The horror! Anyway. Now, I don't mean he was sitting around thinking, "Hmm...I'd enjoy one, too bad I can't", he was really upset. Crying, sobbing, saying he wasn't ready to say good bye to food, the works. Watching this, I felt pity and a little disgusted. I thought, in all of my open mindedness, "It's just food. Get over it!" Then another thought hit me. "How am I any different?" I used to eat like I was a starving day laborer all the time and then complain about my weight mid-bite. Right then and there, I said I quit. I quit being that fat girl, that fat friend, that statistic. I quit.

April 1st, 2009: I finally weighed myself. I had started the change, sure. I was eating better, getting daily walks. But I just didn't want to face the scale. I knew it would crush me. And it did. Hard. Like, boulder hard. I weighed in at a whooping 349. I cried in the nurse's office at college, and I cried that night for hours. I couldn't believe it. The biggest in my family. That was me. But I didn't give up. I couldn't be attached to that damn number for another second.

Today, July 29th, 2009: Today, I am pleased to say that I've lost about 72 pounds. I'm under 300 for the first time in years and I love it. I weigh in now at a solid 277. It's still a big number, but it's so much less than I used to be and knowing how far I've come, I know I can only get better and better. I go to the gym 6 days a week and have learned to at least tolerate it. I don't diet. I eat what I want. Ice cream, a hamburger, if I really want it, it's going down. What's the difference? Calorie counting. I'm responsible for what goes in my mouth and can decide if I want a 500 calorie hamburger and nothing else for the day because I ate breakfast, or if I want something healthier, for filling and, nine times out of ten, tastier. All about choices.

I want want to share my story because I want to keep myself accountable. I need to know that someone, even one person, is watching. I won't disappoint. I'm going to do this and emerge with a whole new body. Will my clothes change? My personality? My life? Will I be more outgoing?...I doubt it, but I'll be happier with myself, and that's all that matters.

SW: 349

CW: 277

Goal: 162

It's gonna be a bumpy ride. <3

Love & Peace,

Gabby