I feel...defeated.

I feel like I have just been going further and further back. I'm at 237. Just touching being less than 100 pounds lost. I mean, I used to be a 209. How did I get this way? My grandmother is suggesting weight loss surgery again and I just feel like I'm going further and further back until I'll wake up back at the start.

My pants are getting tight, bulges are making reappearances. I just feel so gross and so...weak. Why can everyone else seem to do it and I can't? I'm working out six days a week, I count my calories. Yeah, I may make a mistake be...50 calories, but not enough to make me gain so much weight.

These days I just think about it and cry. I'm so embarrassed. When I started this blog, I felt proud and I wanted to share with people, but now I just want to curl up and vanish.

Having one of those days.

Three years.
I have been doing this for three. Damn. Years.

I'm tired.
I know weight loss takes time, but, come on, three years? How much more do I have to do? Shouldn't I be near the goal line by now? Shouldn't I be looking back fondly on the 300's and 200's? Why am I still at this point? Why am I still so stuck? Why am I still so fat? I just want this to be over. I want to be "done" and start maintaining and enjoying the fruits of my labor. I just want to finish all of this.

In lighter news, I did lose two more pounds, but it's been bitter sweet. I'm trying to get out of the obese category again at 230. I was at 209 January last year. You would of think I didn't try. That I wasn't counting calories and working out. I feel like I'm the only one who's failed so miserably at this. And I can't even talk to someone about it.

No one in my family really cares at this point. They're either tired of hearing about it, or are trying to set me up to fail. I'm just so damn tired of being fat.

Very, very happy with that. If I lose two more pounds, I'll be out of those damn 230's, and it'll only be a few more pounds to be out of the "obese" category. Just have to keep moving. I would LOVE to be out of the 200's by the end of the year. That's 32 pounds. I'll be working hard for it!

I have to say, I love the ketosis diet. If anyone is in a rut, I would highly recommend it to people. It's really nice and keeps you full. Yes, you have to say goodbye to a large amount of carbs, but you gain so much more (Like butter!!!!). Also, I would recommend the documentary "Fat Head" for incite on the whole thing. It's available on Hulu.

So, I need to get this off my chest.


IF YOU ARE NOT READY TO WORK OUT, TO GET UP IN THE MORNING AND GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, DON'T FAKE IT.

Just don't do it. If you're not ready, do not make it someone else's responsibility to get you up and out of bed when you know that as soon as that person's gone, you're no longer getting up. I say this, because this person is someone in my family who I love very much, but who I know is not ready for this what so ever. If I forget to wake her up, she's not going. She won't roll herself out of bed and walk over to the gym (it's in the complex. No excuses). She just doesn't want to do it.

And if you're at that place, that is fine. Seriously, it's fine.

Take it one step at a time. If you had come to me three years ago and said, "So, Gabby, you're going to wake up at 10:30 am and go to the gym for an hour, hour and a half after staying up till four in the morning," I would of laughed and rolled over. I had to get to that point myself. Where saying "I don't feel like it" was simply not an answer. Where I will turn away potatoes (my true loves) and be content with that. I had to do it for me. Because once I got to that point, I didn't stop. You're all well aware that I've had large gains and continued to fight it back down (I'm STILL trying to get down to that 209), but working out and putting out that effort is now apart of me, regardless if I have a gym buddy or not.

You need to come to that point on your own. Make it your priority. If you're not ready, try another step. Step back on the pop, etc. But don't try and put that burden on someone else. You have to do this for you.

* Squeal~ *

I don't want to get to excited, but I might actually be losing weight again. It was at 235 from a 237 of last week. I hope this isn't just a fluke and that it'll keep going in that direction. Please, please, PLEASE keep going! It's been such a hard year with all this gaining, please tell me that the birth control was the problem and finally lose! I put so much energy into it, the hours at the gym, the measuring of food. I just want to get out of these damn 200's and into a pair of size 12 jeans. That's not too much to ask, is it? :(

Also, I'm heading into a new frontier. Low carb dieting. It's scary to me since I LOVE potatoes. Like, me and them are bestest buddies. So saying good bye to them is going to be hard, but I think I'm finally ready to take the next step. The thing that really did it was watching the documentary called "Fat Head." A man goes into the myths and truths about what are body really need to survive and maintain a healthy weight. After that, and a bit of research, I have a slew of sites that I think will really help me out. So hopefully you'll see less of me this year!

Here's to a healthy week. :)
Gabby.

It's been a hard few weeks!

Another "long time no see " is due, don't you think? It's been a rough couple of weeks on my part. It's lead me to stop with my birth control I used to control my periods to see if it'll have any effect. Working out six days a week and watching calories should have some affect on weight, don't you think? For now I'll just try a little harder. Can't throw in the towel just yet.

 I've also been looking into Beach Body products again. I don't know if any remembered my time with Insanity. It actually really helped me abroad when I didn't have a gym. I've also heard that PX90 is quite the little work out. If anyone's interested in the Insanity program, please check out this link: http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/insanity.do

 Here's looking at a lower number on the scale. Have a good, healthy week. :)

P.S. Since I'm not in college anymore, I should probably change my blog a bit. Lol If anyone has any suggestions, let me know!

Lost 2 Pounds

It was hard to see that 238 up on the scale again, but at least I'm getting back on track. And it's not 240 something. I just have to forget what was once there and just move forward from this point. So, 38 more pounds until I get out of the 200's. Hopefully next week will also bring good news. :)

Long time no see!

It's been awhile. A whole semester. I was just busy and was all over the place and just wasn't thinking about this blog. :(

But I'm back! I've fallen off the wagon with about a 20 pound gain, but it was my last semester of school, and it was certainly something. I had work, stress, and started birth control. But tomorrow I'm getting right back on that wagon. I was eating just plain crazy, and since I'm out of school (and currently unemployed) I can give my weight loss my full attention, as well as give this blog more of my attention.

I would be upset about this gain, but at least I'm stopping it before I'm back in the 250's. Things happen. Life happens. And, well, I'm confronting it and taking responsibility. Tomorrow, I'll be in that gym, and I will be right back on track!

How is everyone by the way? I hope your weightloss has gone better than mine!

Also: There's a new site to help kick start your weightloss!
 http://www.slimkicker.com/users/JaeFuma

It's called slimkicker and while I just started, it looks pretty dang spiffy. Hope to see you one there soon. :)

I'm proud of myself for saying "no!"

To food, saying no to food! I know it sounds dumb, but it's easy for me to cave, especially since I don't have junk in easy to get locations at school. Makes you want to "indulge," if that makes any sense.

Anyway, we were defrosting meat and, since we weren't prepared, it didn't defrost in time. I got up to ask what we're going to do and they say, "We're going to get fried chicken and french fries." I was silent for a moment before I just smiled and said, "You guys enjoy that, but I'm going to make something else." And my they were like, "do you want something else? How about a burger?" and I still said "no." I said I didn't want it, and I just said I'd make something else. And I did.

It was a lean cuisine and a bread roll, and I was fine with it. And they're going to have their food, and that's fine. And I feel good about it. I feel good about me. I have a weigh in tomorrow and I feel good about that. Because I was able to go, "you know what, it's not the end of the world. I'll have my treat tomorrow, or some other day, but not tonight. Not tonight."

And I feel good about it.

I lost something!!!

Can you believe it? Got on the scale to 216.6. FINALLY. Best Christmas gift ever! Now I just gotta keep my fingers crossed that it'll keep going down. 16.6 pounds and I can say good bye to these dang 200's!

...Kind of getting better?

There was a shift. A small one, but a shit none the less. I'm at 219 now. I'm trying to not get myself depressed over how these last few months of gone. If the number 200 was a person, I'd beat it up. It's such a hard number to get under! This has just been such a hard time for me with weight.

But I just have to keep the goal in site. 199...199...199...

These days, after some recommendations, I'm trying to eat more. Getting up earlier to have some breakfast mostly. I'm hovering around 1600-1700 calories these days instead of 1400-1600. I don't even know what the damage was from last week. I am hoping that it didn't undo the little, teeny, tiny progress I made from the lock on 224 that I've had since October. It would really bring me down to day the least.

Here's looking at 218 or lower. (How come people in the magazines don't say how hard this is? About taking three years to lose the weight. It sucks!)

Today, I am getting myself in gear.

Something has happened. I don't know what it is, or when it happened, but something happened to my body and I started gaining weight and holding on to it. I'm working out, trying to watch my intake, but something has gone wrong.

Whatever it is, it ends today.

I need to stop waiting for whatever it is to work it's self out and get on this myself. Five days a week of working out isn't working. Fine, I'll make it six. Me "trying" to focus on my eating isn't working. Fine. I'll watch it like a hawk. I'll drink more water, I'll make a damn effort. I'm going to figure out what's going on with me before it's too late.

And...I'm obese again.

So I have been at 218 for...forever. At least, that what it seems like. Step on the scale and what do I see?

A six. pound. gain.

I broke down. I just couldn't believe. I could not will myself to believe. Back up to the 30 BMI, back to obesity. I ran so much that I hurt my knee, I counted the calories, I tried my best to keep myself in check. I just could not understand.

Am I the perfect eater? Of course not. Some days are certainly better than other, but months of nothing and then six pounds? Six!? I'm losing my strength. I just can't with this. All this work and it's like I'm falling back. It makes me want to curl up and die. I really felt like quitting and just giving it up.

My mom and nurse are saying it is the birth control that I recently started and it is taking everything in me to believe that. I never thought I'd be obese again. It truly broke my heart, if not my spirit.

It's my birthday tomorrow...and I couldn't be anymore depressed about it.

Yes, I'm getting older (the big two one), but that's not it.

I thought I'd be done losing weight by now. I thought I'd be proudly maintaining. Not 50 pounds from my goal. It's disappointing. I feel like tomorrow is marking another one of my goals I couldn't reach. I started this April 2009. And it's good. 130-ish pounds in two years is good. I'm happy to be a 218 instead of 349. I swear that I am. But...Dang, if it has been the whole 183. I would be so much happier.

Or, hell, if I was just out of the dang 200's.

I know stopping won't make it any better, but sometimes...*sigh*

Hopefully I won't be making a similar post when I graduate from college.

This is just one of those weeks...

It's just one of those weeks where you have to sit down and look at where you've been and where you are. I'm still at 218, and I have to just sit down and count the reasons not to throw in the towel.

I've lost over 100 pounds. That's good.

I can sit in a chair without fear of breaking it.

I can wear clothes I could at one point only look at.

I can touch my toes.

I can go out with friends and not feel like the "huge" one (though I still feel like the big one).

I get more jokes/taunts about my height than I do my weight.

I have done something neither my mother or grandmother could do with their surgery.

I have the will to move forward.

There, that'll do it I think. no reason to throw away all of that just because my body's being stubborn. Just have to show it who's boss!

Ugh.

Every have one of those weeks that just don't make sense (weight wise)? I did. I gained two pounds. TWO. I have no idea why or how. I shoveled that week, worked hard, ate well, felt good...until I got on the scale. I'm terrified for this week. It's seriously been making me depressed. I feel fat(er) and just ...blah. Even my hair and skin have been getting to me.

I keep going to the gym, keep trying my best with food, keep trying, but it's hard when you're not only not seeing results, but you're getting the opposite effect! I sometimes wish I just had someone to vent two about this and give me a pat on the back before giving me a kick in the bum to get me to the gym.

*Sigh*

Hopefully it'll be better this week.

Wow. Long time no see. Goodness.

I'm back. It's been a long time, I know. But I'm still here. I had a hell of a summer and a hell of a time transitioning back into school, but I'm back.

Because of what was going on I feel off the wagon. (Bad, Gabby. Bad). I just wasn't focused on it. I wanted any food I could get in my mouth hole to get my mind off...whatever. That food was never a salad as you can tell. I went back up to 219 and was there for a bit just getting myself together. I am happy that I did still go to the gym. I'm sure that saved me. I'm down to 215/216, and I feel that I have enough energy to get myself back on track. Get focused on food. I'm working out, but it's the food, the FOOD that I need to work on. My hour in the gym doesn't do much to cookies, brownies, and the like.

I'm not in the dorm (it's not...my cup of tea), and I'm on the meal plan. It was easy not to buy cookies and brownies, but man is it hard to turn down the fresh baked bastards every lunch AND dinner. I've just allowed one cookie to be my dessert. Sometimes it sneaks into a lunch, but I'm trying to strengthen that will power muscle.

I want to leave the year 2011 at 200 pounds. I gotta get pumped, get in the game! This is my last year as an undergrad. I have to leave at the ~goal~.

Also, I hope you are all doing well! Best believe that I'll be catching up on what everyone's been up to. :)

Long time so see.

Sorry I've been away so long, but life has been rough and didn't leave me with much time to think about blogging.

Anyway, I'm around 206 now, which is three pounds from my before Japan weight and six from the oh so anticipated 200/199. I've been "okay" with eating. The fact that they all buy cakes and cupcakes and other calorie dense things doesn't help. I've tripped up myself. I bought myself some nutella and had to dump it because I didn't have the self control for it. That stuff is delicious and addictive. :)

We moved from the house to an apartment. My mom's a bit upset about it, but I kinda like it (it has a free gym and the air conditioner works, which is important in Arizona). Two more weeks and I get to go home and focus on me without any drama. I'll be living in a dorm since I can't afford the apartment, but it's a small price to pay to go to school. I get a meal plan as well, so more salads and so forth.

I'll try to update with the next weigh in. Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying their summer.

* Grumble Grumble *

Oh, this summer is just all types of terrible. :/

Fitness wise, it sucks. I'm going to go down the list of why to get it out there.

1. No free gym anymore.

Now, this is the case for a lot of people, but for me, it was something I had completely forgotten about. I signed up for kick boxing, but that's only three times a week, and it's so hot out here that the time I get the energy to work out (mid-afternoon) it's so hot that people can't go outside unless they want to pass out. So that leaves super early in the morning (I've done that...twice) or late at night, when people are out and I don't want to be there. I applied for work, but that hasn't pulled through, so I don't even have money for a gym membership!

2. Food

Sucks. It just sucks. It's like my household hates me. Cake, pizza, fried chicken, you name it, they buy it. Potatoes? Nah. Salad? Nah. Why should they? They don't have anything to worry about. While they're overweight, they're not worried about losing weight, which is fine, but for christ's sake. It sometimes feels like they want me to gain weight.

3. Weight Loss

Since I've been here, I've only lost eight pounds. Summer is usually my time to shine. To focus and just kick start my weight lost for the next semester. But, nope, it hasn't worked out that way. Sucky food choices, lack of a real gym, and my sucky will power have left me feeling chunky and miserable.

People, go to your gym and give them a hug. Kiss your baked chicken and carrots, because not everyone gets to have them!

This is going to be a looooooong summer.

It's been a hard first month here. I know this isn't the blog for this, but I am so ready to go home. The house is covered in pigeon that wake up with the sun, so I don't get much rest. My mom moved her sister and mother in and, while I am very fond of my grandmother, I can't say the same for my aunt. She's very loud, picks on me for everything, and just makes me, ugh, angry. She also is the source of another problem...

Food wise, the situation is terrible. I was able to control what I ate, if I had a treat, I had to buy it right then and there, and I was well aware of it. I could control it. NOW, there are pies (seriously, pie?), cupcakes, pizza, late night fast food runs, the works. I feel like the house(my aunt really) is against diet wise. I know it's not true, and that they don't mean it, but man, I feel like I am under food assault. When you get the munchies and you have an array for treats, it's hard to say no. Doable, but hard.

However, no one is making me eat it, and there are other things in this house to eat. So, while it's not the ideal situation, it is something I can deal with and live with. I don't like it, but I only have till August.

Working out is...annoying. I signed up for martial arts classes & their kick boxing class and I just can't stand how the place is run. Kids running around, people not taking it seriously, it just burns me up. Classes have been canceled without me being informed and I just...Other than the kick boxing, I just hate it. Even the kick boxing has the problem of people brining their little kids, or their teen kids who bring gaggles of boys to look at them through the window while we do the not so flattering workout. Needless to say, once my 30 days are over, I'll be finding a normal, kid free gym.

I'm down to 215, so that's something. I have about three months to lose 15 pounds. I'd like to leave this place at 200 or lower. It's gonna be hard, but it's not impossible. Hope everyone else is having a better summer.

Hello again!

Goodness, I've been busy. All the essays and projects. I'm tired. I still have one more class, but I have a month to finish the project, so it's doable.

Weight has plateaued about. It's at 221 still, but at least it's no 228, right? The goal for this summer is to get back down and, eventually, under 200. I'd be sooooo happy. It's going to be tough. My mom lost her job (and moved from her apartment) so the gym isn't available anymore. I'm back to doing Insanity for lack of anything else. I gotta do something after all. I have been looking at a martial arts place though. I'm going in for a test run on Monday (then can make a payment plan later). I really just need to get this weight off (I can't believe I was at 209 and messed it all up in Japan. Yeesh).

I hope everyone is doing well and is having a good start to the summer. :)