I feel...defeated.

I feel like I have just been going further and further back. I'm at 237. Just touching being less than 100 pounds lost. I mean, I used to be a 209. How did I get this way? My grandmother is suggesting weight loss surgery again and I just feel like I'm going further and further back until I'll wake up back at the start.

My pants are getting tight, bulges are making reappearances. I just feel so gross and so...weak. Why can everyone else seem to do it and I can't? I'm working out six days a week, I count my calories. Yeah, I may make a mistake be...50 calories, but not enough to make me gain so much weight.

These days I just think about it and cry. I'm so embarrassed. When I started this blog, I felt proud and I wanted to share with people, but now I just want to curl up and vanish.

Having one of those days.

Three years.
I have been doing this for three. Damn. Years.

I'm tired.
I know weight loss takes time, but, come on, three years? How much more do I have to do? Shouldn't I be near the goal line by now? Shouldn't I be looking back fondly on the 300's and 200's? Why am I still at this point? Why am I still so stuck? Why am I still so fat? I just want this to be over. I want to be "done" and start maintaining and enjoying the fruits of my labor. I just want to finish all of this.

In lighter news, I did lose two more pounds, but it's been bitter sweet. I'm trying to get out of the obese category again at 230. I was at 209 January last year. You would of think I didn't try. That I wasn't counting calories and working out. I feel like I'm the only one who's failed so miserably at this. And I can't even talk to someone about it.

No one in my family really cares at this point. They're either tired of hearing about it, or are trying to set me up to fail. I'm just so damn tired of being fat.

Very, very happy with that. If I lose two more pounds, I'll be out of those damn 230's, and it'll only be a few more pounds to be out of the "obese" category. Just have to keep moving. I would LOVE to be out of the 200's by the end of the year. That's 32 pounds. I'll be working hard for it!

I have to say, I love the ketosis diet. If anyone is in a rut, I would highly recommend it to people. It's really nice and keeps you full. Yes, you have to say goodbye to a large amount of carbs, but you gain so much more (Like butter!!!!). Also, I would recommend the documentary "Fat Head" for incite on the whole thing. It's available on Hulu.

So, I need to get this off my chest.


IF YOU ARE NOT READY TO WORK OUT, TO GET UP IN THE MORNING AND GET OUT OF THE HOUSE, DON'T FAKE IT.

Just don't do it. If you're not ready, do not make it someone else's responsibility to get you up and out of bed when you know that as soon as that person's gone, you're no longer getting up. I say this, because this person is someone in my family who I love very much, but who I know is not ready for this what so ever. If I forget to wake her up, she's not going. She won't roll herself out of bed and walk over to the gym (it's in the complex. No excuses). She just doesn't want to do it.

And if you're at that place, that is fine. Seriously, it's fine.

Take it one step at a time. If you had come to me three years ago and said, "So, Gabby, you're going to wake up at 10:30 am and go to the gym for an hour, hour and a half after staying up till four in the morning," I would of laughed and rolled over. I had to get to that point myself. Where saying "I don't feel like it" was simply not an answer. Where I will turn away potatoes (my true loves) and be content with that. I had to do it for me. Because once I got to that point, I didn't stop. You're all well aware that I've had large gains and continued to fight it back down (I'm STILL trying to get down to that 209), but working out and putting out that effort is now apart of me, regardless if I have a gym buddy or not.

You need to come to that point on your own. Make it your priority. If you're not ready, try another step. Step back on the pop, etc. But don't try and put that burden on someone else. You have to do this for you.

* Squeal~ *

I don't want to get to excited, but I might actually be losing weight again. It was at 235 from a 237 of last week. I hope this isn't just a fluke and that it'll keep going in that direction. Please, please, PLEASE keep going! It's been such a hard year with all this gaining, please tell me that the birth control was the problem and finally lose! I put so much energy into it, the hours at the gym, the measuring of food. I just want to get out of these damn 200's and into a pair of size 12 jeans. That's not too much to ask, is it? :(

Also, I'm heading into a new frontier. Low carb dieting. It's scary to me since I LOVE potatoes. Like, me and them are bestest buddies. So saying good bye to them is going to be hard, but I think I'm finally ready to take the next step. The thing that really did it was watching the documentary called "Fat Head." A man goes into the myths and truths about what are body really need to survive and maintain a healthy weight. After that, and a bit of research, I have a slew of sites that I think will really help me out. So hopefully you'll see less of me this year!

Here's to a healthy week. :)
Gabby.

It's been a hard few weeks!

Another "long time no see " is due, don't you think? It's been a rough couple of weeks on my part. It's lead me to stop with my birth control I used to control my periods to see if it'll have any effect. Working out six days a week and watching calories should have some affect on weight, don't you think? For now I'll just try a little harder. Can't throw in the towel just yet.

 I've also been looking into Beach Body products again. I don't know if any remembered my time with Insanity. It actually really helped me abroad when I didn't have a gym. I've also heard that PX90 is quite the little work out. If anyone's interested in the Insanity program, please check out this link: http://www.beachbody.com/product/fitness_programs/insanity.do

 Here's looking at a lower number on the scale. Have a good, healthy week. :)

P.S. Since I'm not in college anymore, I should probably change my blog a bit. Lol If anyone has any suggestions, let me know!

Lost 2 Pounds

It was hard to see that 238 up on the scale again, but at least I'm getting back on track. And it's not 240 something. I just have to forget what was once there and just move forward from this point. So, 38 more pounds until I get out of the 200's. Hopefully next week will also bring good news. :)

Long time no see!

It's been awhile. A whole semester. I was just busy and was all over the place and just wasn't thinking about this blog. :(

But I'm back! I've fallen off the wagon with about a 20 pound gain, but it was my last semester of school, and it was certainly something. I had work, stress, and started birth control. But tomorrow I'm getting right back on that wagon. I was eating just plain crazy, and since I'm out of school (and currently unemployed) I can give my weight loss my full attention, as well as give this blog more of my attention.

I would be upset about this gain, but at least I'm stopping it before I'm back in the 250's. Things happen. Life happens. And, well, I'm confronting it and taking responsibility. Tomorrow, I'll be in that gym, and I will be right back on track!

How is everyone by the way? I hope your weightloss has gone better than mine!

Also: There's a new site to help kick start your weightloss!
 http://www.slimkicker.com/users/JaeFuma

It's called slimkicker and while I just started, it looks pretty dang spiffy. Hope to see you one there soon. :)

I'm proud of myself for saying "no!"

To food, saying no to food! I know it sounds dumb, but it's easy for me to cave, especially since I don't have junk in easy to get locations at school. Makes you want to "indulge," if that makes any sense.

Anyway, we were defrosting meat and, since we weren't prepared, it didn't defrost in time. I got up to ask what we're going to do and they say, "We're going to get fried chicken and french fries." I was silent for a moment before I just smiled and said, "You guys enjoy that, but I'm going to make something else." And my they were like, "do you want something else? How about a burger?" and I still said "no." I said I didn't want it, and I just said I'd make something else. And I did.

It was a lean cuisine and a bread roll, and I was fine with it. And they're going to have their food, and that's fine. And I feel good about it. I feel good about me. I have a weigh in tomorrow and I feel good about that. Because I was able to go, "you know what, it's not the end of the world. I'll have my treat tomorrow, or some other day, but not tonight. Not tonight."

And I feel good about it.