I'm proud of myself for saying "no!"

To food, saying no to food! I know it sounds dumb, but it's easy for me to cave, especially since I don't have junk in easy to get locations at school. Makes you want to "indulge," if that makes any sense.

Anyway, we were defrosting meat and, since we weren't prepared, it didn't defrost in time. I got up to ask what we're going to do and they say, "We're going to get fried chicken and french fries." I was silent for a moment before I just smiled and said, "You guys enjoy that, but I'm going to make something else." And my they were like, "do you want something else? How about a burger?" and I still said "no." I said I didn't want it, and I just said I'd make something else. And I did.

It was a lean cuisine and a bread roll, and I was fine with it. And they're going to have their food, and that's fine. And I feel good about it. I feel good about me. I have a weigh in tomorrow and I feel good about that. Because I was able to go, "you know what, it's not the end of the world. I'll have my treat tomorrow, or some other day, but not tonight. Not tonight."

And I feel good about it.

I lost something!!!

Can you believe it? Got on the scale to 216.6. FINALLY. Best Christmas gift ever! Now I just gotta keep my fingers crossed that it'll keep going down. 16.6 pounds and I can say good bye to these dang 200's!

...Kind of getting better?

There was a shift. A small one, but a shit none the less. I'm at 219 now. I'm trying to not get myself depressed over how these last few months of gone. If the number 200 was a person, I'd beat it up. It's such a hard number to get under! This has just been such a hard time for me with weight.

But I just have to keep the goal in site. 199...199...199...

These days, after some recommendations, I'm trying to eat more. Getting up earlier to have some breakfast mostly. I'm hovering around 1600-1700 calories these days instead of 1400-1600. I don't even know what the damage was from last week. I am hoping that it didn't undo the little, teeny, tiny progress I made from the lock on 224 that I've had since October. It would really bring me down to day the least.

Here's looking at 218 or lower. (How come people in the magazines don't say how hard this is? About taking three years to lose the weight. It sucks!)

Today, I am getting myself in gear.

Something has happened. I don't know what it is, or when it happened, but something happened to my body and I started gaining weight and holding on to it. I'm working out, trying to watch my intake, but something has gone wrong.

Whatever it is, it ends today.

I need to stop waiting for whatever it is to work it's self out and get on this myself. Five days a week of working out isn't working. Fine, I'll make it six. Me "trying" to focus on my eating isn't working. Fine. I'll watch it like a hawk. I'll drink more water, I'll make a damn effort. I'm going to figure out what's going on with me before it's too late.

And...I'm obese again.

So I have been at 218 for...forever. At least, that what it seems like. Step on the scale and what do I see?

A six. pound. gain.

I broke down. I just couldn't believe. I could not will myself to believe. Back up to the 30 BMI, back to obesity. I ran so much that I hurt my knee, I counted the calories, I tried my best to keep myself in check. I just could not understand.

Am I the perfect eater? Of course not. Some days are certainly better than other, but months of nothing and then six pounds? Six!? I'm losing my strength. I just can't with this. All this work and it's like I'm falling back. It makes me want to curl up and die. I really felt like quitting and just giving it up.

My mom and nurse are saying it is the birth control that I recently started and it is taking everything in me to believe that. I never thought I'd be obese again. It truly broke my heart, if not my spirit.

It's my birthday tomorrow...and I couldn't be anymore depressed about it.

Yes, I'm getting older (the big two one), but that's not it.

I thought I'd be done losing weight by now. I thought I'd be proudly maintaining. Not 50 pounds from my goal. It's disappointing. I feel like tomorrow is marking another one of my goals I couldn't reach. I started this April 2009. And it's good. 130-ish pounds in two years is good. I'm happy to be a 218 instead of 349. I swear that I am. But...Dang, if it has been the whole 183. I would be so much happier.

Or, hell, if I was just out of the dang 200's.

I know stopping won't make it any better, but sometimes...*sigh*

Hopefully I won't be making a similar post when I graduate from college.

This is just one of those weeks...

It's just one of those weeks where you have to sit down and look at where you've been and where you are. I'm still at 218, and I have to just sit down and count the reasons not to throw in the towel.

I've lost over 100 pounds. That's good.

I can sit in a chair without fear of breaking it.

I can wear clothes I could at one point only look at.

I can touch my toes.

I can go out with friends and not feel like the "huge" one (though I still feel like the big one).

I get more jokes/taunts about my height than I do my weight.

I have done something neither my mother or grandmother could do with their surgery.

I have the will to move forward.

There, that'll do it I think. no reason to throw away all of that just because my body's being stubborn. Just have to show it who's boss!

Ugh.

Every have one of those weeks that just don't make sense (weight wise)? I did. I gained two pounds. TWO. I have no idea why or how. I shoveled that week, worked hard, ate well, felt good...until I got on the scale. I'm terrified for this week. It's seriously been making me depressed. I feel fat(er) and just ...blah. Even my hair and skin have been getting to me.

I keep going to the gym, keep trying my best with food, keep trying, but it's hard when you're not only not seeing results, but you're getting the opposite effect! I sometimes wish I just had someone to vent two about this and give me a pat on the back before giving me a kick in the bum to get me to the gym.

*Sigh*

Hopefully it'll be better this week.