I'm Getting Annoyed. :x

Well, my one year anniversary of weight lost passesd(April 1st is what the nurse told me). She's very proud, because she said when I came in last year, she was just hoping for 50, maybe 60 pounds, and that me losing 104 in about a year's time is impressive.

But I'm still peeved.

I know as people get smaller, it gets harder and harder to lose the weight, but my god! It's like my body is just doing it to make me upset now. Once I came off of summer vacation, my new pattern was that I drop a lot one week (five, six pounds) go up again (two or three), go back down to where ever I dropped, and chill out there for a few weeks.

It's annoying!

The nurse says it's fine, because I'm still dropping 5 to six pounds a month, but it's still a shock when I used to be losing double digits. There was no steady decline, I literally got off the plane and my body just betrayed me. All my planning has gone flying out the window. I wanted to be real close to goal weight by January 2011, but now who knows.

I'm actually of thinking of shaving 20 pounds off the goal for Japan and trying to reach 180-ish, so I won't be overweight (that's my highest possible weight). I'll still want to reach 160 of course, but I don't think I'm going from 240 to 160 in 9 months with how my body's acting.I'll just have to wait and see.

In brighter news, I dropped five pounds this week after a month of just "hanging out." I'll problably go back up two or three pounds, chill there for a bit, before dropping agian...Or maybe my body will get it's act together, who knows.

Maybe I Should Get New Jeans...

I mean, this is kind of silly. Want to know what I'm talking about? Here's a picture.

That up there is a picture of me fitting both my legs into one part of my jeans. I was getting dressed after working out and thought, "Theese jeans seem large. Haha, I bet I could fit both my legs in here." I laughed a little and then thought, "Ah, what the hell."

That turned into a picture...How strange. However, I'll probably still hold on to them.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

I don't like it when my family says anything about my body, weight, shape, or anything like that. I feel like it's a backhanded comment and it makes me want to scream.

My aunt today said something about my legs and stomach (I was fully covered, but it seemed that my clothes laid a certain way) and I said in response, "I really don't like you talking about it," and that was that...however, the rest of the time I felt really awkward. Almost naked. When this happens, I always want to scream "I'm still 80 plus pounds over weight! Don't tell me that I look thin or whatever, because we damn sure know that's not the truth! I can't buy what I want, I can sit where I want, and I'm still fat! The people around me at school and in the city make me well aware that I'm not yet good enough for society. So cut the bullsh*t!"

However, the rational side of me knows that this simply can not slip from my lips.

My nutritionist said that, maybe because they've seen me at my worse, it looks a lot different, that it's a shock. I always think that it wouldn't matter, because they've seen me through the whole thing. What's there to be shocked about? Its not like this happened over night, right?

I don't know. I guess because I know the reality of the situation, anything anyone says just feels like snide remark.

I'll have to fix that.

Or get them to shut up, whichever comes first.

Not Sure About This...

Well, I got on the scale this morning (when I woke up, the family was out. :D ) and it came up 240. Now, I'm usually happy to jump on whatever low number I get, but 240? Two weeks ago, I was 245, then I went to 248, and now...240? Now, last week, there was salt and periodness going on, so I didn't think it was a real gain, but losing eight pounds in a week when I've been just walking...seems kind of fishy.

I'm going to work extra hard to make sure it's true if it is. I still want to reach 221 before Arizona after all.

So the college count down shall stay the same this week.

"You Look A Lot Smaller."

I met up with a friend the other day to go to the movies (and eat yummy food) and while we were walking, she asked me, "How's the working out going?" I said it was fine, ranted a little about the gym, and then asked "Why." She said, "You look a lot smaller. I couldn't really see it when we were close, but from far away, you look a lot smaller." I see her maybe every month or every two months, so she's seen me quite a bit. I was really touched to say the least.

I'm still trying to find that spark, that fire again. I'm still counting calories, don't get me wrong, and I'm still working out, but I feel like I need the vigor again. That, "I'm going to do it!" kind of attitude. I feel like I'm stuck in "I'll get it done," kind of mood.

Hopefully this break will kick me back into gear. :)

I am Queen of Fluctuations

I really am. I can lose or gain five pounds at the drop of a hat. I still haven't gotten used to it, since it's, well, annoying, but I'm getting better. I didn't pay much attention to this week's weigh in. I had chinese food (super salty but oh so wonderfully tasty) and I was bunkered down with Aunt Flo who was being a MAJOR pain in the ass. So...Yeah, the three pound gain didn't mean all that much to me.

I remembered in my larger days the doctor telling me my period was irregular due to my weight. I think that’s the only thing I miss about my larger days. Periods were few and far between and they did not cause nearly as much pain. No one tells you that in the before and after stories. :/

Spring Break is coming. Well, it's pretty much here. After tomorrow, I'm free for a whole week. I'm excited, but a little worried about working out. I'll have to find something to help me maintain for that time (or, god forbid, lose something). I get to see friends though. And, yeah, I’m gonna eat while I’m with them. :P I’ll look at calories, but I refuse to be that friend that brings everyone down by going, “That’s fattening, blah blah blah.” I know I don’t want to hear it when I’m with my friends for the first time in months.

Today was the first day in a month or two that I was on a spin bike (I stopped once school started because that gym costs money I don't really have). It was kind of fun. Lol. I made up my own little routine with the music that was playing and "pushed" myself. I was sweating like no body's business, and some people were looking at me like, "...relax..." But I felt/feel great! I don't know, but something about a great, sweat filled work out just makes me feel cleansed, relaxed. Usually hungry as well, but relaxed. My body always feels all loose, and my clothes (that aren’t soaked in sweat) feel extra fuzzy and soft.

Oh I could just be insane and hungry, who knows.

I really, really, really want to hit 221 or below before I leave for Arizona (Two months away. It’s a pretty lofty goal, but it’s out in the open now). Like, bad. Really, really bad. Really, really, REALLY, bad. That’s the line when I am no longer obese and just regular overweight. And it would be great, because then I could spend all summer just trying to get below 200. I know that the lower I get, the slower it goes, but I have almost four months there…20 pounds in four months isn’t impossible if I get my head in the game.

Japan is fast approaching, and I want to be as close to my goal weight as possible. I just gotta stay focused. If I come back below 200, I’ll have about 40-ish pounds to lose in about 4 ½ months. Very hard goal, but if I can get to around 20 pounds of my goal, I would consider that a pretty good success for about a year and half of hard work.
But, we’ll just have to see how it goes.

P.S. Is it so hard to give me an A-? I just want a 3.6! 3.56 is like…teasing me! I’m gonna fight for my right to have cum lade. O_O

100 Pounds: Picture Update

I've been lazy with the pictures, but I have something special today. I have images from when I was 16, 17, 18, and 19 (today). I have old ID's and such, and realized they were kind of old. And I was FINALLY able to see a huge difference. After 100 pound loss, I was started to get annoyed to say the least. But here's the time line. :)

I feel that I look a little younger now than before, but it could be wishful thinking on my part. Lol. The "16th Year" scares me to death. In that picture, I look ridiculously huge, and I never noticed it. Well, I noticed it, but in the back of my head, I kind of wanted to believe that, though huge, I wasn't that bad.

However, I was that bad. Now on to the comparisons~

260's:

240's:

Tunnel of Oppression

Well, at my college, they have “unity week” and a tunnel of oppression was the finale of it all. It’s a hall (tunnel) with different rooms sectioned off towards different oppressions. People who don’t have water, hate crimes, religion, freedom of speech, body image, persecution, and ended with hope (and, omg, brownies~ But I was too upset to have one at the time *w*).

Since this is a weight loss site, I’ll just share the body image one, since I thought it was interesting. :P

So, the room had some funky mirrors, and little word bubbles on the mirrors that said things like, “Nothing taste as good as skinny feels,” “I wish people would accept the real me,” and things like that, on both sides of the spectrum.

When I was walking through there, I felt that it was so hypocritical. Because, all of these positive things, they rarely come out of people’s mouths when I’m out and about. Before I’m “Gabby”, before I’m “Black”, before I’m “19”, before I’m “Female,” before I’m “tall”, I always feel “fat.” Now, I know this is in part is how I decide to describe myself or label myself, but when I was younger, and now, I don’t get any comments on anything else. I would love to be a “tall bitch” instead of a fat one. :P I always told my mom, “I could be tall, I could be brown/black/blue/purple, but I just wish people wouldn’t judge me for fat. Why can’t they judge me for me?”

It also showed a lot of images about what was “normal” or what was “healthy,” and showed people plus sized, obese, skinny, and in-between. I actually felt…relieved. There were so many pictures, good and bad. I was like, “Damn, I’m not a freak of nature! Fat people, rejoice!”

Near the end, I saw a picture of Marylyn Monroe (in that pretty white bathing suit of hers. :P) and I said, “If I lived in the 50’s, I might have been hot, because I don’t look like that” (I pointed to a picture they had of a recent starlet who was maybe…-0. And the woman(or girl, it’s college, I can’t tell) just said, “Oh, stop it,” and patted me on the back. And for some reason, I thought, “You know what, I will.”

At the end of that room, I decided that I’m not going to be a number or a size; I’m going to be happy. At the moment, I am not happy at my weight. It scares me because of health risks, and it limits what I want to do, that’s why I want to lose weight, but I will not let it affect my happiness. I will be happy big or small, and while I may not be happy with my weight, I’m sure as hell going to be happy with me.

That’s my new year’s resolution. *w*

If you want to know why I was too upset to eat the brownie:

I got emotional talking about the hate crimes because they portrayed violent acts towards gay people; most of them murder in horrible, horrible ways. I was telling them how much it scares me because, though I’m not homosexual, I have homosexual friends, and it would destroy me if I found out one of them was killed or even hurt just because they’re homosexual. I was overwhelmed, because I realized I cannot follow them everywhere. I cannot always protect them. I really can’t do anything. And more than just the homosexuals have to fight for rights; we all have to do something.

Needless to say, I got the whole room crying! :P



P.S. I think she just became my most favorite body every. :0 Look as those hips!