And...I'm obese again.

So I have been at 218 for...forever. At least, that what it seems like. Step on the scale and what do I see?

A six. pound. gain.

I broke down. I just couldn't believe. I could not will myself to believe. Back up to the 30 BMI, back to obesity. I ran so much that I hurt my knee, I counted the calories, I tried my best to keep myself in check. I just could not understand.

Am I the perfect eater? Of course not. Some days are certainly better than other, but months of nothing and then six pounds? Six!? I'm losing my strength. I just can't with this. All this work and it's like I'm falling back. It makes me want to curl up and die. I really felt like quitting and just giving it up.

My mom and nurse are saying it is the birth control that I recently started and it is taking everything in me to believe that. I never thought I'd be obese again. It truly broke my heart, if not my spirit.

It's my birthday tomorrow...and I couldn't be anymore depressed about it.

Yes, I'm getting older (the big two one), but that's not it.

I thought I'd be done losing weight by now. I thought I'd be proudly maintaining. Not 50 pounds from my goal. It's disappointing. I feel like tomorrow is marking another one of my goals I couldn't reach. I started this April 2009. And it's good. 130-ish pounds in two years is good. I'm happy to be a 218 instead of 349. I swear that I am. But...Dang, if it has been the whole 183. I would be so much happier.

Or, hell, if I was just out of the dang 200's.

I know stopping won't make it any better, but sometimes...*sigh*

Hopefully I won't be making a similar post when I graduate from college.

This is just one of those weeks...

It's just one of those weeks where you have to sit down and look at where you've been and where you are. I'm still at 218, and I have to just sit down and count the reasons not to throw in the towel.

I've lost over 100 pounds. That's good.

I can sit in a chair without fear of breaking it.

I can wear clothes I could at one point only look at.

I can touch my toes.

I can go out with friends and not feel like the "huge" one (though I still feel like the big one).

I get more jokes/taunts about my height than I do my weight.

I have done something neither my mother or grandmother could do with their surgery.

I have the will to move forward.

There, that'll do it I think. no reason to throw away all of that just because my body's being stubborn. Just have to show it who's boss!

Ugh.

Every have one of those weeks that just don't make sense (weight wise)? I did. I gained two pounds. TWO. I have no idea why or how. I shoveled that week, worked hard, ate well, felt good...until I got on the scale. I'm terrified for this week. It's seriously been making me depressed. I feel fat(er) and just ...blah. Even my hair and skin have been getting to me.

I keep going to the gym, keep trying my best with food, keep trying, but it's hard when you're not only not seeing results, but you're getting the opposite effect! I sometimes wish I just had someone to vent two about this and give me a pat on the back before giving me a kick in the bum to get me to the gym.

*Sigh*

Hopefully it'll be better this week.